Food Therapy

Like a Bunch of Random Boulders

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What Rose Forgot is a novel by Nevada Barr. Rose, the main character, is struggling with mental illness and memory loss brought on by some unseemly characters in her family. Her granddaughter helps her through the dilemma that she finds herself in. But one line early in the novel stuck out – memories fell into her head like random boulders from a bucket high up all jumbled with no relationship to each other.

Cheryl’s conversation, especially in the evening, is much like that. Kathy came to visit her today and I noticed that her conversation and memories are like that during the day also. Kathy ignored any incongruities if she knew they where there. Had I been sitting near Cheryl I would have had to correct her memory of people and events. It is really, really difficult for me to not jump in to the conversation to fix things.

But I am getting better at it.

I am not certain that I got the quote right but the image is there. Random chunks of memory come into Cheryl’s head. It makes me sad. Sometimes she realizes that this is happening.

Tonight when we came back from getting ice cream at our favorite ice cream store, she went off looking for her Mom in our condo. I did not stop her or correct her impression. And, to her, perhaps, Elaine was there.

I am in pursuit of her calmness of mind. And I admit it makes me anxious.

Carpe Diem

Pieces of a Life

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Cheryl has in her office files a phenomenal amount of random keepings of the pieces of her life and ours together. In her current state of Parkinson she will look through, take out, put back and reorganize these as she sees fit on certain days.

Pieces can come out of the office and land on the dinning room table for perusal and examination. A few days ago a real estate listing for our previous house appeared on the table papercliped to a receipt for home owners insurance for the first month that we lived there in 1980. If only I had been more interested in preserving the history of our small family I might be able to help her with discussions that begin “remember when… ?” I am disappointed in myself when I cannot help her. Much of that, for me, is lost in a fog of work, kids, school events, soccer games, parental worry, ( et al. ) none of which was collected in my memory with great detail.

I was adult then. Why can I not recall details like she can even through the mist of Parkinson? – although she has lost other memories.

Yesterday we went on one of our trips to a new place for lunch. She seemed to be doing well mentally and physically.

Tuesday we visited with her neurologist (MDS) which meant that Monday night through Tuesday morning she slept little. She was anxious to not miss the appointment. The rest of Tuesday and much of Wednesday was used up with recovery from lack of sleep, showtime for the NP, meds adjustments, pizza Tuesday with extra participants and simply mental fatigue.

These days her mind seems to have focused on Easter, so, much of our luncheon conversation centered on hard-boiled eggs, jellybeans, artificial grass and other items associated with Easter and Easter egg hunts. She ate her usual BLT and I had another sandwich with fires. We shared the fries. The Mason Grill was one of my favorite lunch places when I worked in my other career as engineer and Mr. Industrial Fixit guy. She remarked as we ate that she used to bring her Mom to this place and her Mom liked it. She reminisced about her mother and taking her to lunch when her mom was in assisted living.

Last evening she went to bed at the normal time and got up a few minutes later because her mind was racing around Easter services at our parish. She is unwilling to accept my premise that I will not let her miss anything important. I tell her this often. (In the background she recognizes that presence at church gatherings is not a high priority for me.) She sat at the dinning room table which has lately become her center of operations and read the church bulletin. She was very still staring at the bulletin for December 22, 2022. (I imagine inside her head her brain was struggling with Christmas : Easter : Christmas : Easter in a parkie way.) Words, dates and times lose their meaning in the evening.

I read my book for awhile longer and we went to bed at 11:15 or so.

Today I could not arouse her until 10AM. She was in the same position that she started in at 11:15 the previous night.

Another day passed.

Carpe Diem

More Food Therapy

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The trips to restaurants continue.

On Wednesday March first which is the first day of Spring in my mind and always will be, we went to Ruth’s Parkside Cafe.

At 2PM in the afternoon there is little activity. There were a couple other gray hairs there enjoying the nice weather. The weather has been pretty mild this winter. There is a line in the “Bob hearts Abishola” show on CBS where Bob blames global warming on Al Gore because before him we were just enjoying the really mild winters in Detroit. It makes me laugh but I kind of agree.

The daffodils in the back are in full bloom. They are early this year.

Cheryl had a BLT bagel. I had a red bean burrito. The Cafe has an eclectic menu. For dessert the waitress was apologetic because they were out of pie so I selected gooey butter cake and two forks. I have linked a recipe that I found for this delightful dessert. It was the highlight of our day. Cheryl talked about the cake all the way home.

Carpe the restaurant Diem.

A New Idea – Restaurant(ing)

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A week and a half ago we stopped at an old Dixie Highway landmark called the Greyhound Tavern. We had passed it several times going to and fro when visiting her cousin Gerry in hospice. On our way home from our last visit with Gerry we stopped there at about prime gray hair eating time.

The reason was made up but we had a good time. Sherri had asked in conversation whether I thought the fried chicken at Greyhound Tavern was as good or better than the Purple Poulet where we had eaten a few weeks before. Well, everyone has their own personal likes and dislikes about comfort food. Cheryl’s mother made fried chicken and we ate it cold on a picnic in June in 1969. It was delightful. My aunt Johanna made fried chicken along with a lot of other stuff for Sunday dinner at her farm in Indiana. It was delightful. Long ago we had the KFC’s original recipe at the first place that Colonel Harland David Sanders opened in Corbin Kentucky. It has a little museum attached. It was delightful. (I have always liked original recipe.) But while I thought that the fried chicken at Greyhound was good, the chicken at the Purple Poulet was excellent.

While we were awaiting the arrival of our meal, we split the chicken since neither of us can eat half a chicken anymore, Cheryl said that we could visit various restaurants in Cincinnati and the surrounding area and eat lunch there. This is an excellent idea I replied. Let’s do it.

Today we did. Today’s choice was the Sweet Heart Cafe in Colerain township. We have been there before but it has been a year or so. There are actually about three stores operating out of this store front – a bakery, a cafe/diner, a clothing shop. It has a very unique ambiance and they make their own jams and preserves.

We brought home pie for dessert tonight or maybe the whole dinner.

A good list to start with.

Carpe – the diner – Diem.

Chicken Vegetable Soup

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After our great time at the Purple Poulet a couple days ago, we brought home a lot of chicken. I wrote earlier that it was the best chicken I have had for some time. Leftovers do not keep forever, however, so with 4+ inches of snow on the ground and Cincinnati playing Buffalo again, it seems like a good day to use the last of the chicken for soup.

I called our neighbor and friend Jan and explained my plan. She came over at halftime. She is a bigger football fan than I am. We left the TV on through grace. The Lord will understand.

Jane’s back was bugging her and has been for some time. She left early to lay on her own floor and stretch and do leg lifts while watching the football game. (She did not want my yoga mat.)

The soup turned out great. And except for Jane’s back stealing the show, it was a good evening.

Carpe Diem.

Pizza Tuesday

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An old tradition of ours is pizza Tuesday. I know. I know it is supposed to be taco Tuesday but neither of us are super huge fans of tacos. Although if we wind up at a Mexican restaurant and there are some very good ones in the Cincinnati area, Cheryl will order tacos. Some of the Hello Fresh meals are Latin American in flavors. Neither of us grew up with that but the La Rosa family has been in business for sometime and some scenes from the Rain Man use Pompellio’s as back drop. Sorry I have digressed again.

We used to frequent a small pizza joint nearby (run by a family of German dissent or Latvian if the spelling is different) that we liked. We tried several nights during the week and ultimately landed on Tuesday as the least crowded. It stuck. Over time it became “Anything Goes Pizza Tuesday” because sometimes one would rather have a hoagie or a hero sandwich or a calzone or maybe just a salad. Cheryl did not care as long as there was pepperoni somewhere. The only exception being a steak hoagie sandwich reminiscent of Pasquale’s. Sadly, the Pasquale’s of our childhood is no longer.

Lately we have moved Anything-Goes-Pizza-Tuesday to a newer use of an old italian restaurant near where we live. They opened just before the pandemonium and we supported them with carry out orders during the shutdown.

Pizza Tuesday has developed into a social affair with friends and neighbors. Sometimes Cheryl’s family shows up. Sometimes anything goes.

On this particular night Cheryl’s cousin Donna showed up. We had been trying to get together and on a whim I called her and invited her to Strong’s Brick Oven Pizzeria. She came. My cousin’s widow, Linda showed up. We had a great conversation. We got home later than we usually did. Sadly, we had no leftovers and that is too bad.

It was a time to connect and make new connections. The pizza Tuesday reminder list is getting longer. Cheryl had a good time and told stories.

Carpe pizza Tuesday Diem.

New Year’s Day

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We had a great visit from all the kids and many of the grandkids. On New Year’s Eve I spontaneously asked our children if they had anything special planned for New Year’s Day. I asked if not would they like to gather around our table for a meal in the afternoon. I suggested about 4-ish. They all said yes.

I stole this idea from Frank C. Church. Thank you, Frank for a spontaneously good time.

Who can tell? Maybe a new family tradition? Traditions have to start somewhere. They are kept up if everyone has a good time participating. Zachary certainly had a good time. He had not seen grandma’s marble race before so Mom and Gavin helped him put it together.

Most importantly Cheryl got to have everyone at her house. She smiled and laughed at the conversation and activity. It was simply wonderful to see her smile.

Her smile and laughter are less as we head on our journey of Parkinson. Yesterday was very special to her and to me.

Carpe Diem. And don’t forget to connect!

A Nice Dinner

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We went to one of our favorite places to eat dinner tonight. Friday night with my girlfriend, best friend, lover, mother of our children and life companion. It was a good time. Christmas decorations are everywhere. People are visiting and gathering for the holidays. Bacall’s Cafe was loud. It was full of us old people chatting and eating and drinking and gathering. We were all catching up with each other and the world.

It seems to me that the smaller local restaurants have better service. Those restaurants seem to provide employment to the youngsters in the neighborhood.

Friday night has a special atmosphere. It always has for us. When we were younger and still working full time for others, it marks the end of commitments for the week. Often Cheryl and I would meet for a quiet dinner somewhere. Just us and our conversation was a special time to relax and take stock of things. When the kids were small Friday was often chaos. But those years passed by too fast and it was just us again.

These days I think that it is important to stay with her in her remembrances. If she wants to talk about long ago I try to stay with it. But I also try to gently steer her to the present if she has strayed far off the road. As we were driving to the cafe she asked me where I wanted to celebrate my birthday next week. — Her deceased father’s birthday is next week and her brothers had been talking about meeting for dinner somewhere to commemorate that event.

I am still on a learning curve with this sort of conversation but I calmly reminded her who I am and reiterated the conversation about celebrating her dad’s birthday. I switched the conversation to where do you think we should go? She switched it back to I wonder where Dad would go if he was here. And we went down that road for a bit until we arrived at the cafe.

AHA: Preserve any routines you can. Embrace any memories she has. Calmly help her find her way back to the here and now. Emphasis on calmly and watch the pitch and tenor of your voice.

Date nights are not always for the young. We had a long wandering conversation about the place we were eating. We talked about other places we have been. We talked about family. She had a coke. Years ago it would have been a glass of rose or white zinfandel. I had a gin and tonic. Years ago it might have been a nice single malt scotch. As we have aged we both like sweeter things. It was a good time.

As we were getting into the car for the drive home, one of her old time friends, Donna, called my phone. I almost did not answer. Robo-calls are annoying. Donna had gotten my number from one of Cheryl’s friends that she had met in church. She called to get together for lunch one day after the holidays. A new conversation about Donna happened on the way home. We will have lunch somewhere in a couple weeks.

Carpe date night Diem.

Easy Life with Grace

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It occurred to me this morning (early afternoon) as I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes that often we want our friends, lovers, significant others to be on our schedule. This is especially true if they rely on us for help. Cheryl has not been on my schedule for a long time. She is on parkie time.

Her dementia seems to have added a special aspect to her conception of time and place. Following instructions in a linear fashion is very hard for her to do. Even if you are not interested in doing what she has decided that she wants to do, it is simply easier to go along. It is actually able to steer the activity if you plan a little bit.

There are three things on Cheryl’s agenda for today; Christmas cards, snicker doodle cookies and a list of complaints for the doctor when we see him next week. For me it is merely laundry day. (But these are all things I will do in some part.)

I got up on my typical schedule at about 7:15 am or so. I figured out the Wordle but used up all of my guesses and got a “whew” for my effort. The morning news was not keeping my attention so I printed the address labels for the Christmas cards and placed them in a prominent spot on the dining room table. I made a boo-boo. More about this later.

At 9 am or so I finally encouraged Cheryl to get out of bed. She had gone to bed at 10 pm but I could hear her moving around while I was learning how to align the address information with the Avery labels that I had selected earlier in the day. I came to bed about 11:30 pm. She was up once after that.

Even though I was making every attempt I could think of without a direct command to get her interested in making the cookies, nothing happened. I gave in and finished the cookies.

The labels however was a businesslike activity and she selected that. All was well until she became confused. I had duplicated a page of the labels when I printed them. UGH! The silver-lining was that she recognized the error. She merely did not know how to react to it. (sad face here) In an earlier life she would have said, “Hey you duplicated a page we need to print the missing page.” (She might have added “dummy” as a tease.)

She discovered this just as I was leaving to take a walk and Cindy had come to sit with her. I took the offending page out of the rotation and suggested that she continue with the rest while I took my walk. While I was gone she just stopped. She was unable to continue. It did not occur to her that she could do the page of labels that was unduplicated. And my suggestion that she do that did not register in her mind.

Later in the afternoon I stayed nearby and repeatedly showed her what to do. She finished one more sheet of labels. We have only thirty to go. Last evening I wrote a small newsy letter to put inside of the cards. I had the cards and envelopes pre-printed with our names and return address.

It is becoming a long and disappointing road.

Carpe Diem.

Thanks

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Surrounded by Friends full of grace

In the Autumn of 2021, I found out through no fault of my own that we are surrounded by good friends willing to step up and help out with Cheryl’s care. I wrote this note of thank-you sometime ago but on this Thanksgiving Day of 2022 I am revisiting these thoughts of gratitude for all that you have done for Cheryl and me.

I appreciate everyone’s help whether it is a small thing or a big thing. Sometimes it is a phone call. Sometimes it is merely joining us for dinner after church or “Pizza Tuesday”. Sometimes it is taking the roll of care partner for a couple hours. Sometimes it is staying with mom while dad goes somewhere for an hour or a week. Sometimes it is merely holding the door for Grandma. I love you all. Thanks so much for helping.

Cindy

Cheryl’s cousin’s wife Cindy began coming over to sit with Cheryl or take her to one of her exercise classes once a week for a couple hours. I am free to do whatever. (Thanks, Cindy.) These days in the warm summer Ohio air, I often go ride my bike somewhere. Cindy surprised me in Autumn a year ago by asking me what I did for exercise after a discussion about Cheryl’s exercise classes. One of Cheryl’s instructors was a friend of Cindy’s. Cindy spontaneously offered to come and be with Cheryl while I did something else other than care give. It took me several weeks to figure out what to do with my new found freedom and now I look forward to it.

Cindy often comes over on Thursday which works best for her and her work schedule. This week of course Thursday is Thanksgiving day so she said she can come tomorrow. She is a gift to me that I find hard to put into words.

Jane

Our next door neighbor, Jane, comes on Mondays typically to sit with Cheryl for a bit while I go ride my bike around somewhere or merely grocery shop. Cheryl sometimes walks across the hallway to visit with Jane. She is a good friend and close. Often Jane goes with us on “anything goes pizza Tuesday”. She reacts to Cheryl’s discussion much like Nancy does. Over the years Jane has had issues with her health and Cheryl’s first thought is to see how Jane is doing. Jane has pointed out things to me that she notices about Cheryl and has suggested solutions for those without any judgement. (Thanks, Jane.)

Jane is celebrating today with her family in north central Ohio. Safe travels, Jane. You are a blessing to me.

Linda

My cousin’s widow, Linda sits with Cheryl while I go do something else. Last May I signed myself up for a caregiver’s class to find out about other services that were available. Linda came over fairly early in the morning so that I could attend this class. I found the class itself very useful. It was primarily oriented towards care partner health and well-being. (Thanks, Linda.)

She has encountered some tragedy in her life. Her sister Diana recently pasted from this life but today she is spending her Thanksgiving with her daughter, warm, in California. Safe travels, Linda.

Mary Jo

A few months back Mary Jo sent an email to me to remind Cheryl (and me) of a commitment she had made during a chance meeting at our parish first Lenten fish fry since the Covid pandemonium closed the world. Mary Jo indicated that she would like to come and visit with Cheryl occasionally. She comes on the third Wednesday of the month to visit. (See Jane’s organization below.)

Mary Jo’s visit seems simple and innocuous but social interaction no matter how small is helpful to Cheryl. Each time Mary Jo visits she is a new acquaintance to Cheryl. Cheryl shows her pictures to Mary Jo and tells her about our children and grandchildren. Thanks, Mary Jo, for sitting and listening to Cheryl’s remembrances.

Nancy

Last evening we had dinner with Cheryl’s sister Nancy. We have been doing this more and more. It is helpful to me in a couple ways that Nancy might not think about. Nancy, firstly, is not dealing with any dementia. Her conversation goes in a straight line. That fact by itself often provides relief to me. Over the course of my working career I traveled to other countries and many of these did not have English as their base language. It was always a great relief to hear American English from the people around you waiting for an airplane back to the states. Cheryl’s mingled conversation is much like trying to make sense of a foreign language with little preparation.

The second thing is that when Nancy talks to Cheryl she is accepting of whatever Cheryl might say. Cheryl tells her about the children in our house, their sister Janice and other thoughts as they occur. Nancy does not correct or suggest anything different. Sometimes she will ask for clarification if Cheryl has mixed up names or dates. Cheryl recognizes that she does mix things up but she does not have the stress of keeping the story straight when conversing with Nancy. That is stressful to her, saying the right thing; giving the right answer; not offending anyone. She learned those from her mother and they are deeply ingrained in her personality. When talking to Nancy she relaxes. Thanks, Nancy.

Nancy has a new person in her life, Gene. Cheryl and I a grateful that she has his companionship.

Family – Sons and Daughter

My son David and his wife Melissa have a wonderful patio and a big green backyard. Many times with little warning over the summer, I have asked to come visit for a bit with Cheryl. Cheryl likes to visit her children and see how they are doing. Sitting on their patio in the sun brightens her mood. It gets us out of our little condo and does not require a lot of preparation by me. It is a sort of little day trip for her and I can chat with my son who is a fellow engineer.

They have always responded with yes. (One time they were out of town on a spontaneous getaway weekend.) Thanks, David and Melissa. We are very grateful to you and Melissa for allowing us to intrude in your life.

My son Scott sits with his mom while I go to my stock-club meeting once a month. Thanks, Scott.

In 1984 several of us engineers decided to make ourselves rich by speculating in the stock market. We started meeting in March of that year. The markets have soared and ebbed. We languished through “black Friday”. We bought gold mining companies. We sold gold mining companies. We drank a lot of beer discussing and criticizing corporate management. We have won big (ABBV) and lost big (F). Good friends and lots of beer with dinner in the back room of the bar makes for a fun evening. Thanks again, Scott. We are grateful to you and Mavis for letting us intrude in your lives. I have also parked Cheryl at Scott and Mavis’s house near us so that I could ride my new ebike around our old neighborhood. Cheryl could see Zachary – the newest grandchild – run around while I was riding. Thanks, Zachary.

My daughter Anna visits with her mom and in the summertime when her high school is on break takes her mom to exercise class. Last year Anna stayed with her mom for a week while I went to visit my sister on the west coast and Joyce and I attended my nephew’s wedding. Jeff and Stephanie have a new baby girl. Thanks, Anna.

Anna also calls her Mom randomly just to see how Cheryl is doing. (Anna you cannot see how your mom’s face lights up when I tell her it is you on the phone.) These are really simple things that your mom and I appreciate. We are grateful to have you as our daughter and Eric as our son-in-law.

Anna is cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. She sent out her list of what everyone else is bringing. My job is rolls or bread. I broke my forty-year-old dough hook yesterday starting these rolls. Today I kneaded dough by hand. I have not done that for awhile but I am thankful that I had the opportunity. Thanks Anna and Eric for hosting the great collection of family today. It will be crowded and fun.

Allison

Allison comes once every six weeks or so to trim and shape Cheryl’s hair. Before she started coming to our condo I took Cheryl to the Salon Named Desire every few weeks to have her hair cut. The salon is located on the second floor of an old building in the business district of the suburb of Pleasant Ridge.

Overtime it became harder and harder for Cheryl to negotiate the stairs. When Cheryl had foot surgery I asked her through the salon if she would be willing to come to our condo to cut Cheryl’s hair. She did and as I discussed it with her she said she had several clients that she visited at home.

Cheryl’s foot healed and we went back to me driving her to the salon but eventually it became an issue. We adapted and so did Allison. When she leaves I vacuum the large bathroom floor. Thanks, Allison.

Natalie

Natalie comes every other week to clean our little condo more thoroughly than I would. And this visit usually aligns with Allison’s hair visit. She is our niece and has developed her own little cleaning service. She is a godsend. She sees and cleans and dusts and vacuums. When she leaves everything is shinny and clean. The appliances have no splats and splashes and dribbles and fingerprints. We usually go out to a local diner/bar for dinner when she comes to preserve the clean for just a couple more hours.

Yesterday the furnace guy came to do his yearly tune-up. He remarked as he took out the filter to blow it out and clean it, “You guys keep this place awfully clean. There’s no dust on this.” Thanks, Natalie. I am pretty sure this is all you.

This week one of her kiddos is ill. Get well soon, Charlotte.

Jane’s Organization

Cheryl has a wonderful bunch of friends with whom she used to play bridge, decorate church and other activities. Our neighbor and long-time friend Jane has organized several of these women to come visit Cheryl on a regular basis. On various Wednesdays of the month Cathy or Kathy or Marg will appear for a visit. On the third Thursday Carren and Nancy (different Nancy) come to visit. Barb has come on the last Thursday to take Cheryl to lunch. Thanks to all of you for spending time with Cheryl.

Cheryl needs social interaction more and more as we travel this Parkinson road.

Clementines

This group of women went to grade school together (St. Clement hence the Clementines) and have kept in touch throughout their lives. Kathy, Jeri, Kathy, Anne, Mary, Barb, Mary Pat, Marilyn, (I missed someone) you are a great group of friends she has had since grade school and she really enjoys your company. Thanks to all of you for being part of Cheryl’s life.

Thanks specially to Kathy and Marilyn for talking to Cheryl over the phone when she her confused mind has decided there is a Clementines emergency.

These are really just a few of the things, people and experiences that I am thankful for today. Cheryl has told me several times over the past week that Easter is next week. Last night she did not believe that Thanksgiving was tomorrow. This morning she seems unsure of our activity and remarked that it will be a busy day. Somewhere in her confusion she knows today is special. To all of you who help us no matter how small, thank you for all you do and have done.

Time to shape the rolls.

Carpe Diem.