Conversational Receptiveness and Dementia

Communicative processes used to discover what is needed or desired by others in business or other walks of life work well with loved ones experiencing dementia and related memory issues. And while the single most important concept to remember is that short term memory loss affects every conversation, short term memory loss greatly affects attention span. Keep it short, keep it kind and keep it simple.

Here are some tips from an article in Psychology Today’ website:

  1. Consider the timing and mood of your recipient.
  2. Check your own emotional level.
  3. Be responsible for delivering clear communication.
  4. Consider using I-messages to avoid blaming or putting others on the defensive.
  5. Be a good listener (attentive) when receiving a communication.

And here are more from the Social Care Institute for Excellence website in UK:

Their focus is providing professional care to Alzheimer’s patients and those dealing with other sources of dementia. Their techniques are good to understand for non-professional care givers. I use this list to think about and discern how better to help Cheryl.

  • Minimize background noise
  • Relax
  • Think about how the person may be feeling
  • Always introduce yourself
  • Greetings or ‘verbal handshake’
  • Physical approach
  • Be aware of emotions and touch
  • Identify the emotional state of the response
  • Don’t be shy from tears or laughter
  • Say what you think the other feels
  • Keep it simple
  • Use the person’s name often
  • Use visual aids and prompts
  • Confirm understanding

Minimize background noise – I have noticed that Cheryl is easily distracted by almost anything that passes into her line of sight. I have noticed that Cheryl is unable to do two things simultaneously such as talk to someone and keep walking. I have noticed that Cheryl is unable to follow a conversation if two people talk animatedly about some topic in rapid succession or over the top of each other. I have noticed that Cheryl is unable to interpret words spoken with a different lilt or accent other than Midwest Cincinnati. I have noticed that she no longer watches any of her favorite shows on TV. With all of this considered if I want to gain her full attention, I remove all distractions.

Relax – I struggle with relaxing and letting go for a bit if she is out of my sight. As her disease progresses and I see her falter with balance issues, stumbling gait and postural difficulties, my anxiety about her future (and mine) often comes through in my voice. I may say things or express opinions that can easily interpreted as rude, pedantic and egotistical. For those times I apologize to her and you.

Think about how the person may be feeling – I do not do this enough. It is easy from the outside to forget that the person is not the disease. Parkinson seems to make this harder because in one moment she will be “fine” and in the next she will be “off” – not necessarily physically off, mentally off and physically fine. I find this confusing and my default is not “she’s confused – help her”. My default tends toward preachy pedantic lecture.

Always introduce yourself – Most of the time I do not need to do this. I can understand that it may be important for a professional to do this. Occasionally Cheryl is unsure of who I am. Mostly this occurs in the evening if she experiencing a bit of Sundowning. (Sometimes I am “that guy who brings the pills”) Sometimes I tell who I am if I think she will accept it. Sometimes I leave it alone. The important thing is to not be insistent that she is wrong about who I am.

Physical approach – I have noticed that Cheryl startles much more easily than she did before Parkinson (bP). This comes in many forms visually and audibly but the important thing is to not surprise her. Surprises often lead to backing up and falling down which is her usual method of falling. She will move away suddenly from the perceived surprise.

Be aware of emotions and touch; identify the emotional state of the response; do not be shy of tears or laughter – I think these fit together as emotional response to conversation. Sometimes to me it is surprising that she will have tears about telling you that Laurencia is going to Ohio State University. I can understand that talking about her deceased mother will cause tears. Nevertheless it is important to understand that a person suffering with Parkinson may have her emotions very close to the surface. Try to remain calm but it is okay to “have a moment” and be with her. One memory often elicits another more tender memory and things tumble downhill quickly.

Keep it simple; use the person’s name often or the other person’s name if telling a story; use visual aids and prompts – pictures of children; confirm understanding – I have noticed that Cheryl may lose the thread of any story or conversation easily. She will not indicate in any way that she has lost track of what you are telling her. You may detect that she has lost it by some response that she makes. Simply reiterate some part of the story to help her recall. Do not get bogged down in correcting her mistaken thinking. Do not raise your voice to emphasize the correct story, time of day, holidays coming up, time of the year or who is coming to dinner. She will not remember but she will think that you are frustrated, angry or disappointed and respond with – I’m sorry.

Finishing– Just as you prepared to start a visit and conversation, so you must think about how you will bring it to a close. I do this many times a day. (For visits) When you are leaving the our home, make sure you say goodbye. Cheryl may think that you are still here, perhaps in another room. This may cause confusion or anxiety later. Ensure you have her attention, smile, and let her know you enjoyed your time together and the conversation. Shaking her hand or hugging her is a common gesture which gives her a strong clue you are leaving. Leave her reassured and let her know you look forward to talking again.

https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/after-diagnosis/communication/conversation.asp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-sexual-trauma/202008/5-essential-strategies-effective-communication

I spend a lot of time reading articles and searching for useful ideas to help Cheryl. This post is a sort of summary of two of those and how I think I can better communicate with her.

I am still not good at that.

Carpe Diem.

Christmas and Parkinson

Cheryl has it in her head that Christmas is any minute now. The calendar fact that Halloween is next week does not dissuade her vision of the immediate future. Often when she makes comments almost daily now about cards, cookies, toys and generally shopping for the grand kiddos, I correct her and point out that we have about eight weeks to go before we need to worry.

We have only one grand child under the age of fifteen. My secret grand plan was to give every kid money and let them go find something that they covet. Zachary is only five so shopping for him takes us back to when the parents were that small. Good memories and fun times were had by all and I admit I like to shop for little people. (Maybe I should tell my soon to be fifty year old daughter that her mom is getting her a Raggedy Ann for Christmas. Be surprised and delighted. Is Raggedy Ann still around?)

So why are men so obstinate? Why am I stuck on correcting her delusion about the calendar time? I am not going to let her miss anything. She seems to not be disappointed when she indicates Christmas is next week and I say, no it is the week after or some such other baloney to satisfy her that the perceived need is not urgent. She wants to put up some Christmasy decorations. Why not? What is the harm if it satisfies her that all is in readiness?

Cookies

Two days ago like many days previous she wanted to make cookies for Christmas. Yesterday early in the day I put together the dough in preparation. It was our intention to make the cookies after we came home from dinner last evening. It did not happen as we became distracted with watching a couple PBS shows that are our favorites. I promised today after exercise class we would make cookies.

After a little lunch we got started on the cookies. In my maleness I sort of bossed her out of the way to start the process. Why I did that I am still discerning. Maybe in another life I will know why or not. She wanted to make the dough balls for the snicker doodles. I reluctantly backed off shifted into check-on-her mode.

Music

I once worked for a small company that had a six hour loop tape of Christmas music that played on the hold line of the office phone. One of the partners had read a book about how office workers liked to hear and were more efficient with music playing. He piped the hold music into the overhead speakers. It was like working in an elevator that was stuck on the wrong floor. It was agony.

She said to me, “Get your music machine out and turn on Christmas music.” She means Alexa. I cringed when she told to do that. I think I grumped a little too and then I went to get the hockey puck I move around to listen to music. A Christmas song or two in among others is okay. WARM 98’s idea of solid Christmas music, old, new, good, bad, chipmunks, Benedictine monks, rock and roll, country-western, some group of nuns, Bing Crosby, etc. a few years ago lost me as a listener. That was not a big deal to them since I rarely listened to their station. Five weeks of Christmas music is agony to my ear. I feared the worst was going to happen – Christmas carols from Halloween to Christmas. There would be no “Monster Mash”. I said loudly, “Alexa, play Christmas music!”

Christmas music always makes Cheryl nostalgic. She remembers the olden days when she was a child. Nostalgia makes people tear up. Cheryl is no different. With her version of Parkinson, her emotions are on her sleeve. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” started coming from Alexa. Bing was doing he usual great job. Cheryl was five when this movie became a favorite in the post war ‘50s. In the middle of scooping cookie dough into one inch balls she started to cry. There is nothing I can say to assuage her nostalgia and longing for her childhood. Those are most of the only clear memories that she has. A runny nose and drippy eyes are not useful for rolling cookie dough into balls for snicker-doodles so I eased her out of the way into a chair while I finished rolling the cookies.

I suppose we will do cards another day. Why are men so obstinate?

Carpe Diem.

Decision Making is Hard

In Cheryl’s case,  decisions can be remarkably difficult. They are made worse by deadlines. Lack of understanding of the day or next event add on difficulty. The decision to day is – what to wear?

Parkinson is a big enough trial when it is only a mobility issue.  When cognitive function is affected. It is just plain harder. You as a care partner can help with calmness or not. That thought sent me off into mindfulness and discernment about how to help by not emphasizing the time.

Today is the date of the Sunflower Rev it up for Parkinson’s symposium.  It is an information and exercise presentation by UC Health in Cincinnati.  And we are getting a late start.

Although we had talked about it last night before bed and I had emphasized getting to bed on time, so that we could get up on time. Admittedly this morning I cared little about going to the symposium but it is a useful thing to Cheryl and occasionally I learn something new. When the alarm went off she awakened but showed little interest in getting up. After some reluctance I encouraged her to get up and have some cereal to get started.

The wild enthusiasm for life, a better life with Parkinson can be intimidating to those of us who through our new duties of care partner and might have been hoping for a more relaxed environment in later life. So when Cheryl started hinting at not feeling up to going I seized on it but perhaps a little to enthusiastically because she changed her mind with little time to spare and we left. But not before I gained the opportunity to point out the lateness of the hour.

Thank God for the great science interspersed between the impromptu exercise. The lecture portion is familiar and reminiscent of many college courses from my earlier years. Bliss.

In a presentation about new chemicals and old standard chemicals I notice that most have the same set of side effects.  The side benefits seem to alternate between diarrhea and constipation, insomnia and narcolepsy, yadda yadda yadda. Of course the doctors and scientists would prefer that patients not focus on the side benefits but those are still there whether you ignore them or not.

A gentleman told his personal story about PD and his journey. Being an ex-football player and wrestler in college he was attracted by the various boxing style PD programs. Rock Steady Boxing was founded in 2006 to empower people with Parkinson’s disease (PD) to fight back through a non-contact, boxing-style fitness regimen and emotional support. The program started in a tiny gym in Indianapolis, Indiana. His coach told him – If it is to be, it is up to me. (Inspirational) He and some others have formed a group – Romeo (retired old men eating out).  Social gatherings are important . One can never give up.

There are things you can do that will make things easier like, no button down shirts.

There’s no hope without data reported Kim who is a research scientist. I like the science. I hate the disease. I do not know where my attitude is today. Perhaps it is still in bed thinking about a Saturday sleep in and then a visit to my son’s house for the fantasy football draft festivities.

But it was worthwhile going.

Carpe Diem.

Order, Routine and Chaos

I have heard said that a police officer’s career is days of pure boredom punctuated with fifteen minutes of shear terror. As a caregiver to one with a chronic disease that tends toward dementia, the experience is similar.

This is a long story and I am not a hero to Cheryl. I let her down.

I lost it

It is August 26, 2022. Yesterday was a good day. At least it began that way. Cheryl slept a little later. I helped her get up at about 8:30 am.

Just a regular day was beginning. She had exercise class at noon. We came home to a leftover pizza lunch as was the plan.

She had been telling me about getting a new hanging plant at Pipkin’s which is a place that neighbor Jane talks about often. She also told me she needed new socks. I proposed we go do a little shopping in the afternoon and she agreed.

A trip to J. C. Penney ensued and we returned home via Pipkin’s garden store on Cooper Rd. As we pulled into the parking lot at home my pocket began sounding the alarm for her 4PM meds. She had been telling me that she was tired and wanted to lay down. I suggested she take her meds and rest for a bit.

There are too many distractions for a parkie in our condo-minimum. Cheryl first needs to check for messages on the phone (routine). These days only Hoxworth blood center leaves messages. Sometimes one of the Scam Likely folks will make a mistake and tell me how to save money with Visa, Discover and MasterCard or how to get better Medicare coverage. I am uninterested but Cheryl is worried someone might need her. The meds are ignored while messages are checked. The phone and message retrieval is an overwhelming puzzle to her. She winds up looking at her computer which is off. This leads her to notice the pile of old birthday and note cards on her desk from times past when she was organizing them. She remembers little of this so they are a new discovery. I reminder of her meds from the other room.

As I look back at this little episode I realize that it occurs often when we are home in the afternoon. She acknowledges the alarm on her phone and ignores the meds as she goes back to whatever distraction she has selected (order). I remind her to take her meds and hang out until I see her do it. She comes into the kitchen in response to my entreaty to take her meds. With that done I retrieved two frozen pork chops from the freezer to thaw for dinner. I explained that I intended to make pork chops, some roasted potatoes and broccoli for dinner. Perhaps I would make some tomato chopped salad also. She agreed that would be good and maybe we could eat on the porch.

I reminded her that she had wanted to lay down for a bit and retreated to the porch to read my book for awhile and let the chops thaw. I told Alexa to set a reminder for 5PM and continued with the adventures of Detective Sergeant McAvoy.

Alexa reminded me at five o’clock to get up out of the chair and prepare dinner. Coming in I heard Cheryl’s phone alarm reminding her to take her 5PM meds which is a blood pressure medication. When I entered the kitchen I saw that she had emptied the silverware drawer onto the counter and had several glasses of water set up on the other end of the counter. I wrongfully admonished her for getting at the silverware out and asked why she had done that. As she launched into her to meaningless explanation I should have calmed down and accepted it but I did not. I lost it which generated some rage in both of us. (chaos). I put the silverware drawer back together and began to prepare dinner.

She asked what she could do to help and I said that she could set the table outside on the porch. I reminded her that she wanted to sit out on the porch. She responded okay and went off to do something else. Since I was chopping potatoes and breading pork chops I quit paying attention to her while I was doing that. I realized eventually that she was going to set the table in the dining area and when I asked about that she told me that she would set both tables. She insisted that we would need more room for the kids. I must have been smoldering in the background because I flared up again.

The kids are not coming. No kids live with us. I said with louder than normal anxiety in my voice. And besides I only cooked enough for you and me. I put out place mats and plates and silverware and asked her to please sit down. The dinner was ready to come out of the oven and did she want water or a coke with dinner.

I busied myself with getting the food out of the oven and onto serving plates and bowls. When I started putting things onto the table she had wandered off to look on the back porch. She said David was here and I replied that he was not with more volume than was needed. We eventually sat down to the inside table. She served herself ½ a pork chop, some potatoes and broccoli. After she had put some gravy on her plate she started to get up holding the gravy boat. I took it from her and asked where she was going again. She was going to take some gravy to the kids. And I insisted that there were no extra people, kids or otherwise.

She became angry with me and left to get help. I sat for a minute or so and listened for the outside door to slam. It did not so I went looking for her. She had gone upstairs in the front hallway and I think became confused when she did not recognize the upstairs of our old house. I coaxed her down without her falling face first down the steps and suggested we go to the ice cream parlor for dessert. We ate dinner and I cleaned up the dishes.

Aglamesis’s for ice cream was a big hit. There were several little people there as always making swift work of their ice cream cones. She had chocolate chip and I had a two-fer dutch chocolate with choclate sauce and nuts and whipped cream. (I know but it was great.)

We went home and TV for a bit. And later as she became tired she was still agitated and worried about David. She kept looking for David. I suggested that we call David on the phone and we did. I did not give David any preamble but I did explain to him with Cheryl sitting there that she was concerned about his well-being. He talked to her for a bit and assured her that all was well.

After we hung up she said, “David is staying with David and Melissa? Well I guess they have plenty of room.”

Today that is all gone past but she did express a slight confusion about David staying with David and Melissa. Somewhere in the back of her mind was a mindfulness of her confusion and to her it was/is scary.

Sometimes it is very hard for the care partner to remain calm. I am still learning this.

Carpe Diem (even if you do not want to seize it.)

Tonight it is Chicken Fried Rice

I did not know that fried rice recipes are intended to use up left over rice from the previous day or two until I looked for recipes for (something) fried rice to make tonight for dinner.

Yesterday when Cheryl was making me nervous in the kitchen that is what she kept talking about, fried rice. So last night after I apologized profusely I told her tonight we would make fried rice together. We did. She did some of the chopping and egg scrambling. I did the frying over the hot part of the stove. It worked and it was pretty darn good.

In preparation last night I cooked some rice and put into the fridge. I took some frozen chicken out of the freezer and put it in the fridge to thaw. Tonight we chopped and fried and stirred and cooked.

The general activity:

  • 1 chicken breast – pounded, salt and peppered, chopped into thin strips
  • 3 large eggs – scrambled with a little water
  • 1 C. frozen mixed veggies, pick out the big green beans and chop them smaller. My package has peas, carrots, corn and green beans
  • 1 medium size yellow onion chopped
  • 1/2 tsp. of garlic pepper. I was out of garlic cloves. I usually have some. Use two if you have some.
  • 2-3 tsp. of sesame oil
  • 2-3 tsp of soy sauce (plain old LaChoy)
  • salt and pepper
  • vegetable oil for frying

I don’t own a wok. I used to own a wok. I am more familiar with a 12 inch cast iron skillet that I own. It works fine for this kind of stuff. We have had it for fifty years or so so it is well seasoned.

Fry the eggs after Cheryl turns them into scrambled mix. I add a little water to them like the Frugal Gourmet taught me years ago. (Remember him? Sad. He has some good recipes though. I kept his books.) Fry the eggs with about a tsp. of vegetable oil. remove them to a plate and chop them into pieces you will add them back later. After marinating the chicken chopped into thin strips for a bit in sesame oil and salt and pepper (I also pounded it out into a flat shape as though I was going to make chicken-fried-chicken ala Cracker Barrel) add a tablespoon or so of vegetable oil in the skillet and cook the chicken to golden brown. (Gently you can go too far.) Toss in the onion and garlic. Keep frying. Toss in the frozen veggies. (At some point you may feel the need to add more vegetable oil. Be careful.) Keep frying. Dump in the pre-cooked rice. Keep frying. Add a little sesame oil and taste it. Keep frying. when you are ready add the soy sauce. I guessed two tablespoons or so, but I do not measure at this point. I taste. It might need a little salt or more soy sauce. — Probably 30 minutes from beginning to the end and eating.

I should have taken a picture but we ate most of it before I thought to do that. I gotta get more Tik Tok. I rarely think to photograph foods that I am preparing unless I have impressed myself.

Carpe Diem.

She wants to Cook

Cheryl wants to cook something and I am afraid that she will harm herself. I cannot get past that.

Yesterday after our doctor appointment in the early afternoon, we stopped at Dewey’s pizza for a late lunch. Somehow the white pizza showed up with red sauce on it but mistakes happen and the pizza was good, just not what we had ordered. (That is the second time in a week that the incorrect pizza showed up at our table. Perhaps we need to expand our cuisine. ) Nevertheless, lunch was good and we returned home to do nothing for a bit. Cheryl lapsed into one of her punding/do something modes and began futzing with making something in the kitchen for dinner at 3 in the afternoon.

It made me nervous and I suppose what I should have done was sit in the kitchen to read my book and keep an eye on things. But I did not. I just popped in to check occasionally and point out that we did not need dinner for awhile as we had had lunch at 2:30 pm.

Family dynamics are hard to break. Before Parkinson she did most of the cooking and I stuck to my baking hobby out of the way at the other end of the kitchen. I stayed out of the way when she was cooking. My opinion was not solicited nor encouraged in our old house. Cheryl was a good cook and in my new duties as cook among other things I have tried to duplicate many of our old favorite recipes. Sometimes I would botch them up but most times they turned out the same. (Thanks, Betty Crocker.) These days when she gets in a mood to cook, things can turn out badly, but, more importantly, she has fallen in the kitchen as often as anywhere else and I worry that she will put her hand on a burner or fall into the hot oven.

When I could not gently steer her away from her “cooking” – she was boiling two eggs – I became angry and upset and tried to explain the danger to someone who sees none.

And last night she slept poorly. I blame me for that. Lot’s of emotion swirling around in her head as she tried to sleep left her fidgety and awake until almost four am. Even the big new bed did not help.

Carpe sad Diem. An opportunity to make a memory was lost to anxiety and anger. But tonight we will make something together. I will do better this time.

She is sleeping late today.

Carpe Diem … again.

Weighing Future Options

Cheryl’s Parkinson’s disease interlaced with dementia has taken a turn to the negative over the past three months. It is tough but necessary for us to explore extra help and other options to our living situation.

I feel a sense of sadness. It is not exactly that I have failed because I recognize in my heart that her disease has a progression. I suppose it is a progression that I had not anticipated.

I also feel a sense of relief, an acceptance of the fact that I cannot do it all alone anymore. I recognize that we have to do something different. That first recognition came when I decided to buy a new bed and change our sleeping arrangements. At least, I thought a split king would keep us from awakening each other at night.

We drifted off to bed about 10 PM after watching a couple of her favorite shows on television and visiting with her sister for a couple hours. We probably eventually fell asleep about 10:30. Overnight I got up to go to the toilet twice and the second time around 3 AM she got up with me and seemed as though she wanted to stay up. I had prepared to sleep on the sofa bed we had and then she came out looking for me. We had our often discussion about church and I suggested we lay down for two more hours and then get up. She got up at quarter til noon.

I got up around 8:30. It was bliss.

I took the time to call the assisted living facility nearby that had housed both of our mothers at the end of their life. I still refuse to believe that we are here yet BUT it does not hurt to find out about various options to move forward from here.

I also set up a couple doctor appointments. She is having problems hearing occasionally. And I wonder about a UTI.

Carpe Diem.

More steps on the journey

Complaints

Today it occurred to me as I cleaned the Kleenex lint from the washer and dryer for the nth time, it was doing no good for me to lodge a complaint with Cheryl about putting tissues in her pocket. It also occurred to me that although I beat myself up about missing the tissues in her pocket, I will probably often miss one once in awhile.

Dementia is not a specific disease but is rather a general term for the impaired ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interferes with doing everyday activities. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type of dementia. Though dementia mostly affects older adults, it is not a part of normal aging. (from the CDC)

Drat and alas. Drat, she cannot remember to do it. She cannot remember my complaint either but will detect the disappointment in my voice and probably interpret it as anger. And alas, I will occasionally forget to look in all the pockets.

I will forgo the complaint process. It is not useful anyway. I merely causes us to pick at each other. (Forgo was the answer to the Wordle a couple days ago.)

Carpe tissue Diem.

Always Learning

One can always learn new things if you open your heart to the experience.

Recently we met with a dementia specialist. It was not intended on my part to be one on one but as it turned out it was. She had several key points to deescalate frustration and anger. Like many things that happen these days with Cheryl and me, I often forget which people and services I have investigated before. Theresa Youngstrom is a nurse and a dementia specialist. In a previous post I quoted these points from her website.

From Theresa’s website;

  • Always approach from the front.
  • Watch your body language and tone in addition to the words you use.
  • Smile and wait until they acknowledge your presence before touching them.
  • Validate their point when they are upset even if they are wrong.
  • Say you are sorry at the first sign of their frustration to keep situations at a minimum.

After we talked for a bit the other day, I realized that I had already learned a lot from her about deescalation of frustrating and angry situations.

I am sure there is more to learn.

Carpe Diem.

A Good Friend is Dying

It produces a reaction in me close to anger. I do not understand why. Anger is not quite right. Disappointment and some sadness with a little depression mixed in is a better description of the emotional mix. The only constant in life is change. However, that does not mean we have to like it.

In Matthew’s Gospel 21 (28-32) there is a story (parable) and I thought of it as I reacted to Cheryl’s idea. The parable in Matthew is about a owner of a vineyard who had two sons. He asked (told) his first son to work in the family business. He replied that yes he would go but he did not. When Dad talked to the second son the kid replied, nope, not today. I am hanging with the boys. He later relented and went to work for his father. It had not been more than a couple of weeks since it was read at mass.

That second son’s reaction was much like mine when Cheryl told me a confused story about Dan and Lynette. She though that Dan was a the Hospice of Cincinnati facility visiting with Lynette who was dying. He was not but I did not talk to him as I should have. My first reaction was similar to the second son. Nope. Ain’t doin’ it. I have no good memories of that hospice facility that is where my father died.

I gave in and took her to see Dan and Lynette. I put whatever little dinner preparation I had started back into the refrigerator for later. I made the five minute drive to the Hospice facility.

Cheryl was having a good day. We ran some errands and took a walk in the park. We had lunch at one of our favorite lunch diners. Our activities were all spontaneous. It was one of those sixty-five degree early March days. It would have been perfect if there no breeze at all but it was an okay breeze of five knots or less. It was very sunny. When we returned I told her about Dan’s call on Saturday. She did not return with the hostility that I expected as I had not told her right away. (This kind of news makes her upset for days.) She did react by calling Dan back to talk and find out what was going on.

When we got to Lynette’s room and I realized that Dan was not there I called him. In our conversation Dan explained that Cheryl kept asking where he was and did not seem to understand he was not there at Hospice. I asked him if he wanted to come. He does not see well and does not drive at night. He said yes he would like to do that and maybe we could get something to eat.

We drove across town, picked him up and came back to visit Lynette. She was unresponsive when he was there as she had been when we were there forty-five minutes earlier. Dan is a pretty quiet guy but he was a little beside himself. After a short visit watching Lynette’s irregular breathing we went to get something to eat. Dan insisted on paying for dinner.

We talked a lot while we were eating pizza at one of our local pizzerias. Comfort for a friend is something for which one must always find time. I have no explanation about my initial reaction other than it was about me. I had planned dinner and had comfortably settled into my chair to read before I had to get up to make dinner. I had no intention of comforting someone who was grieving that evening. Cheryl had been very upbeat and happy all afternoon. I was feeling pretty good myself.

Kindness to others earns grace. If only life was easy. This occurred on Monday. Late Tuesday since I had heard no more from Dan, I sent him a text and asked how things were and if I could help.


This is Wednesday and Lynette is deceased. Dan called late last evening to tell me that Lynette had passed on today. It is a sad moment for us both. Cheryl was asleep. I did not wake her with bad news last evening. This morning as I was going through my litany of what was happening today, I told her about Dan’s call. She was confused for a bit. She will ask me about it later.

One of life’s little twists just happened. Fate/karma/luck/the angel Gabriel – whatever brought me back into their lives on the last day of Lynette’s. Time for a little meditation and maybe prayer and reflection.

Cater was the answer to Wordle today. I am a little sad today. Lynette was good people. The only person I knew who knew how to tat lace. She had lots of crafty talent. She was an executive chef and a good cook. Dan is retired away from the “front of the house” in restaurant parlance. The restaurant business is where they met. Lynette was a very special person and I think I am better for knowing her in life.

May Lynette rest in peace without pain and dementia. Carpe Diem.