My search for grace and meaning after a former care partnering life with a wife who suffered from Parkinson's disease and dementia giving her a confused and disorienting world.
That is the thought that jumped into my head as I pondered life’s choices and what we make of them when we make them.
The young man yesterday morning who in his zeal to get through the intersection on the Yellow traffic signal even though it was obvious that he had no chance of clearing the intersection before the Red because the service truck before him was also in the intersection blocking it chose to ignore his surroundings and become an asshat. (Was that judgmental of me? I chose to be judgmental just then.) I praised him for his eagerness to get his workplace twenty milliseconds faster as the rest of us became 20 minutes late while I waited to turn left through his driver-side door.
The Rule of Lines: The other line always moves faster.
1st corollary: Switching lines (a choice) removes the delay in the queue you entered originally
2nd corollary: Switching back (a second choice) much like Schrodinger’s cat screws it up for everyone.
Choices have consequences. Own them and learn from them.
All the time I am writing this and thinking about these I have stalled my original task I set for myself of going to the grocery store. Sometimes choices that need to be made are distasteful. Today for me that is pushing a grocery cart.
Cheryl taught me to make a list before entering the store. Mom just went to see what interested her. Her attraction to Sam’s Club was the idea that one could snack their way around the store. This idea was adopted by the Thriftway store that I would take her to when she had coerced me into doing it. I have found that Cheryl’s list method works well along side of Mom’s spontaneous want method for me.
It appears that I am fretting before doing. This attitude will keep one at home idling while the rest of the world moves on.
Two days ago I tripped over this recipe from the New York Times for an apple tahini tart. I wondered what tahini could possibly be. That thought led me down the rabbit hole of reading and cooking. It is my favorite sort of hole to fall into. I can be lost for hours.
Tahini is merely toasted sesame seeds and some oil. I found a recipe and method for making my own from scratch. When I was finished the product had the consistency of peanut butter and a similar albeit milder flavor. I should back up a bit. After reading the entire NYT recipe and how to create my own tahini, I looked through my larder. Low and behold I had everything except for apples. (Apples generally do not last long in my house.) Off to the store for more on Sunday morning I went.
I made the tahini on Saturday and refrigerated it overnight. On Sunday I made the pastry and placed it in the refrigerator as directed to rest a couple hours while I went to the grocery store to find apples. IGA had Pink Lady apples just as I had hoped for when reading the recipe. (I become ecstatic when I can find all the exact ingredients to make a new recipe the first time.)
When I made the tahini sauce by mixing the tahini with the other ingredients I covered it with a piece of waxed paper to keep out any small fliers that seem to appear when I bring in tomatoes from the small garden we have. I asked Cheryl (I could feel her nearby.) where did you put the rubber bands? I could use one to put around the top of this container of sauce. I found the Rubbermaid leftover tubful of rubber bands that I had recovered from her office several months ago and carried it from my office into the kitchen. When I opened it to find a suitable elastic band I found also a note from Cheryl.
A yellow post it note was wrapped around a flash-drive with the message “Sr. Pat” and a crossed out phone number. The flash-drive contained a video file that our grandson Max had put together some time ago. That video is a collection of early Christmas videos that his Dad made twenty years ago. I could not watch it all the way through until today when I could give myself time to react to the memories.
October is tomorrow and this is the time of year when Cheryl would start agitating to decorate for Christmas and I would resist (because I did not share her enthusiasm.) She sent me a message. “Christmas will be here before you know it!” she would say (and was saying this time.) I would argue that it is ONLY October. Thanksgiving has not happened yet! Today I argued that I had to finish this tart first!
This will be the first Christmas without her. I miss this discussion. I wonder how I will react to that fact in a few weeks. I wonder how I will react to the first Christmas without her in a few months.
Yesterday I put the flash-drive aside to finish assembling the the tart. Here is the end result.
I took it to my son’s house to consume after the football game. I will keep this recipe to do again with other fillings.
Tahini Apple Tart By Andy Baraghani Published in NYT website Sept. 16, 2024
For the dough
1½ cups all-purpose flour, plus more as needed
1 tablespoon sugar
1¼ teaspoons kosher salt (such as Diamond Crystal)
¾ cup/170 grams unsalted butter, cut into small cubes, chilled
Ice water, as needed
For the tahini spread
⅓ cup tahini
3 tablespoons sugar
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 large egg
¼ teaspoon kosher salt
Assembly and filling
2 pounds crisp, tart apples such as Honeycrisp or Pink Lady (about 6 medium apples)
1 tablespoon cider vinegar or lemon juice
3 tablespoons sugar, plus more for sprinkling
1 teaspoon ground cardamom
Heavy cream, for brushing
1 to 2 tablespoons white sesame seeds
Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream or crème fraîche, for serving
For the Dough: Whisk together the flour, sugar and salt in a large bowl. Dump in the cold butter and toss until coated in the flour mixture, separating any pieces that stick together. Use your fingers to smush and flatten each piece once.
Drizzle ¼ cup ice water over the flour mixture. Repeatedly run your fingers through the mixture, as if rummaging through a drawer, until combined. The dough will start out looking dry then become very shaggy. Transfer to a clean work surface and use your palms to knead the dough together, forming a ball with no dry spots. You may need an additional tablespoon or two of ice water to help the dough come together, but even then it will be shaggy, not smooth or shiny.
Wrap the dough with plastic wrap and use your hands to flatten it into a round disc about 1-inch thick. Chill for 2 hours or up to 3 days.
Lightly dust a clean work surface with flour and roll out the dough, turning it to prevent it from sticking between rolls, into a 14-inch round. Gently gather both ends of the dough and transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet. Refrigerate the dough while you make the sesame spread and apple filling.
For the sesame spread: Whisk the tahini, sugar, butter, egg and salt together in a medium bowl until smooth. (You can make the sesame spread 5 days ahead; just bring to room temperature before using, so it spreads easily.) [Ask Cheryl where the rubber bands are located.]
For the filling: Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Peel, core and thinly slice the apples (see Tip). Toss the apple slices, vinegar, sugar and the cardamom together in a large bowl until the sugar feels like it has dissolved.
Remove the dough from the fridge and plop the sesame spread in the center. Use the back of a spoon to evenly distribute the sesame spread, leaving a 2-inch border. Arrange the apples on top in whatever manner you like. Fold the edges of the dough over the apples to form the crust, then brush the dough with heavy cream and sprinkle with sesame seeds and more sugar.
Bake on the bottom rack for 40 to 50 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through, until the crust is deeply golden brown and the apples are tender. Let cool for 20 minutes before slicing and serving with the topping of your choice.
I often bake bread in a convection bake and I started this tart in a convection oven. I got used to doing this in our old house. The temperature is uniform in a convection oven. After the first twenty minutes or so I rotated the cookie sheet that I had put the tart onto. I also changed the oven setting to bake from convection bake. I gave it a few minutes over the allotted time. As you can see from the photo it needed perhaps a short time under the broiler to get that golden brown color. I chose not to burn it.
There are special people in your life that unbeknownst to you are looking out for your welfare.
A wonderful thing happened to me last evening. A friend – I thought Cheryl’s friend – asked me in a text message if I was still going to a favorite pizza place on Tuesday evenings. I am not.
This was something that Cheryl and I started many years ago as a reason to have some time out of the house and enjoy each other’s company without the distraction of other things. We started the pizza tradition on a Friday night twenty or so years ago. Her Parkinson was non-existent. Our favorite pizza store at the time became very crowded on Friday and over time we tried different days until we landed on Tuesday for no other reason than it was not crowded on Tuesday. “Anything goes Pizza Tuesday” was born.
It is amusing as to how little family traditions are born. Our pizza Tuesday was born this way. On some Tuesdays we would try a different pizza store but it was always pizza. Sometimes Cheryl wanted a calzone. On those occasions I would get a hoagie sandwich. But Tuesday was sacrosanct and pepperoni was king. If it did not have pepperoni on it, it did not count as a pizza. It was merely flatbread with stuff on it.
As Cheryl’s disease progressed I kept up our outings for pizza. I invited our good friend and neighbor to come with us. I invited other friends and family. Some nights we had a crowd. Some nights it was Cheryl and me. During the pandemic pandemonium I carried out from our favorite pizza store and we ate around our dining table with our neighbors.
I kept this going for longer than was probably necessary. The last few times we went on a Tuesday evening Cheryl had little mobility and I would push her around in her transfer chair.
But I have digressed a bit. When Mary Jo texted me and asked about pizza Tuesday, I asked her what did she have in mind. After a few exchanges we settled on a time and she and her husband would pick me up. Two days ago, Cheryl had been mostly sleeping away the day as a result of all her activity on Monday. After our chat with Dr. Y she had three visitors in succession. That sort of thing tires her out. Sundowner Syndrome is annoying to deal with in winter but Showtime which she is still able to muster up for an hour or so just plain wipes her out. So on Tuesday she mainly slept. And on Tuesday I went to the bar with Gary and Mary Jo.
Help from Many Others
Two women have been a great deal of help to me over the past couple of years are Cindy and Linda. Both are cousins-in-law. Cindy is married to Cheryl’s cousin. Linda was married to my cousin Frank. Frank is gone from this Earth. Both asked how they could help me spontaneously without me asking for them to help. Men are not good at asking for help of any kind, especially me. Cindy recognized that first and volunteered to come and sit with Cheryl for a couple hours once a week while I went to ride my bike and got some exercise. Linda did a similar thing. I was able to twist her arm to get her to sit with Cheryl while I attended a seminar on caregiving a couple years ago. They will always be front and center in my mind when I think of people who have helped me the most as Cheryl’s cognition deteriorated.
If I look with different eyes I find myself surrounded by caring and kind people just like Cheryl is surrounded by caring and kind people at Bridgeway Pointe. Sometimes you just do not know who will step in to help.
As in turn over a new leaf or turn over you are snoring? Nope these are turnovers made with croissant dough, egg wash and, in this case, cherry pie filling left over from another project.
In my father’s family there was this undertone at family gatherings that one should eat dessert first because as we all know, “One cannot predict the time or place of one’s death.” That is for the big man upstairs.Recently I rediscovered my copy of “Baking with Julia” a cookbook in the same vein as her old shows where she demonstrates how to do things. This book is dedicated to bread and pastries. I tend to wander off and experiment with variations on a theme.
About two weeks ago feeling full of ennui I decided to follow the croissant dough recipe and make croissants. Buttery flaky pastry dough has been a mystery for me. I have made bread for many years and each time I do I am amazed at two things; why I continue to buy store bread from commercial bakeries and how long the commercial bakery bread will last while I am eating up the last of the loaf I previously baked.
Following Julia’s explicit detail I mixed up a simple sweet dough and placed it into the fridge overnight. With it I beat up a pound of butter (18 oz. actually) with some flour and shaped it into an oval shape about an inch think and placed it in the fridge overnight. This was a two day activity. Not as big of a time commitment as making sourdough but much more demanding physically and definitely more satisfying mentally.
The croissants tasted great but had no great beauty to them. I used part of the dough to create a fruit pocket style coffee cake but the dough was wrong for that. Danish dough is better for the fruit pocket.
The last of the dough I used to make turnovers. These are great. I rolled the last of the dough out into a 12 inch by 12 inch square, cut it into quarters and folded the dough over a glop of cherry pie filling. I glued the dough together with some egg wash and pressed the edges down with a fork. All are painted with egg wash before going into a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes. When they came out I drizzled them with Virginia Bakery roll icing which is just confectioners sugar with more sugar and a little water. These are good. I will do them again.
Carpe Diem, but do not forget to eat dessert first.
Adjunct_Wizard 