Early Monday morning 3/25/19 Cheryl experienced hallucinations again. The hallway became a beach. Kids without faces were running around. The bed sheets became liquid like water. Ceiling tiles squiggly lines like snakes. She told me that I had on funny clothes, but I had on jeans and a shirt.
She is sleeping now. It is 5:57AM. She just snored. She seems peaceful now.

What is love?

It can be many things. In the darkness of the night, perhaps it is patience. With little sleep comes paranoia, delusions and confusion. Love is staying awake to protect her, so she can sleep.

What is love?

Delusions come and are temporary. Love is a lifetime.

What is love?

It is simply putting someone else first. Yourself second.

What is love?

It is a mental state. It is more than physical. It is a devotion. A consuming ideal of dedication to another person’s well-being. Words provide little justice to the state of love.

What is love?

It is not that giddy giggly fealing inside when you see the one you love, that is prescient to the knowledge that you are both here, together in the state of love.

What is love?

Love is a collection of feelings too complex and too simple for an easy description. It is a communion of emotions and actions. It is bazaar in its entanglements. It is a devotion to someone not you.

What is love?

Anxiety and late evening symptoms took us to the hospital. Tightness in Cheryl’s chest.

It’s hard to get away from the fact that Parkinson’s doesn’t define your life and your spouse’s life when it consumes so much time. Today was a consuming day. Cheryl is oftentimes frustrated by the fact that what worked previously to help her feel better does not work this time. The principle medication Sinemet is only 60% effective. She has a symptom of being unable to release gas bubbles from her but without a great deal of effort.

Most of us burp and fart with ease. It’s a natural and normal activity. If it’s loud and offensive we excuse ourself politely and are slightly embarrassed. In Cheryl’s case it is painful, nauseating, and debilitating. All activity stops until the situation is releaved. On some days Coca Cola works to provide the relief needed. Some days it is Tums. Some days it’s laying down. Some days all three. It is consuming.

James Clear says you should write one line per day. Here goes. Parkinson’s disease is a humbling experience. Cheryl is dealing with it as best as she can. Her caregiver (me) is not dealing with it well. During her good periods it is easy to forget how it affects her. The switch from good to bad occurs rapidly enough that you can miss it . Thinking that you are still in the good period when she is not. Frustrating for both of us.

January 28, 2019.

The end of 2018 – here is a collection of random jottings and notes.

After having spent some time reviewing old journal entries and notes it is apparent to me that I will never be a continuous writer. In fact evidence shows that I am not even a contiguous writer. The pages and ideas and essays I reviewed were disjointed pieces and parts of stories – as so is this.

A sample of these is here –

Sunday, August 08, 2010

This day is new. It is the second day that I have taken simvastatin in the evening before bed. I did some minor exercises when I got up. I slept really well. Something is different. Attitude?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 61. How do I feel about that? I do not know…

What’s happening in my life? Tonight I will stay at SWC until 9 pm. It is my late day.

I have decided I think to learn Java. I need some mental stimulation. I also need some physical stimulation. My stimulator is getting old and tired. Lots of random thoughts come out about that.

Friday, October 15, 2010

So as you can tell I am not a consistent journal writer.

Yesterday series of unfortunate events occurred in class that has caused me to write my thoughts.

The first activity was a “one minute” paper (quiz) which promotes students writing their thoughts and then sharing those thoughts with other students and the class. Regina Morris remarked that, “They were going to have to interact with other students in the class even though some students did not want to do that.”

During the second activity, “a search and find” to answer the chapter questions and email the answers to the instructor, Regina Morris allowed her inner anger to boil over into action against the computer system that was operating too slowly for her satisfaction. She threw the mouse on the table and broke it.

As I approached her to calm her other people in the room chided her for being incomprehensibly angry at an inanimate object. The response was the “ain’t nobody talking to you” retort and the inner anger easily shifted external.

Regina was wound up. She could not be calmed. She did not understand why the assignment should be submitted in the method prescribed by the instructor. After waiting some more time for Yahoo mail she left class.

There was half an hour to go but class was destroyed. Other students left.

The IT guy will need to find a mouse for the computer.

Monday, October 18, 2010

What Causes Arthritis?
A man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?’
The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be,’ then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘Oh, I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

If you put the date  111110 it looks like 52 in binary… I finished the last day of our last mid-start orientation at SWC today. Next year the college goes to 6week sessions. Hold on to the ropes boys the fighting is just beginning.

I sent everyone taking the test tomorrow a text via Google voice.

Word Problems…

What is the question asked directly or hidden in the words?

What do I (we) know?

What do I not know?

What do I need to find out?

Friday, December 31, 2010

The last day of the year… Yesterday I learned that Bob Schmalz was terminated from SWC. He is the guy that hired me. He was the Night Dean. I guess since the school is getting smaller not as many admin people will be needed to run the school.

In GED, Michele has two classes to teach. I have two to teach. Stephanie has none. Audrey is the admin person, the go to meeting person, the face of GED to the administration that is upper management.

I suspect this will change more as we move through the year. I think will look for other work as we go through the year.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Many months have passed and I don’t work for SW anymore. In Feb. I started back to work with Armor Metal. Maybe I can ride this horse to the grave.

But I think, so far, this is a good job, an easy job mentally. I get to travel. I get to fix things and make people happy.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

As I look around the desk here I wonder where I am in life. This I is the festival weekend at Nativity. Mom has-is nesting at Seasons retirement community. Maybe this last is a good time maybe not. I cannot get unfocused from cost. It is a lot $1950 + utilities/phone.

I will take another chair over to her today. That way she will have more than one to sit in when she wants to. It seems that she wants to have more places to sit. I think she misses the clutter of her house. The house is where I can get enough money I hope to take care of her.

The out-of-town sibs are sometimes helpful sometimes not.

Joyce and I fought viciously when we moved Mom. I have not felt that way since childhood. It still makes me feel odd when I think about it.

I feel oddly disconnected when I think about it

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Well time does fly!

Three weeks ago on Wednesday Ted – my boss at Armor, the guy that hired me was let go from Armor. To add stink to the fire I was conned into taking over his duties.

will try it for a while to see if I can straighten things out. In addition our group has gotten a new leader. A FOJ but that is his prerogative. Joe is pres. of it all. Rick is pres of us.

Heart felt thoughts…

I am going to spend much more time with Cheryl. She has decided to collect SocSec. early. I miss her when I am on the road.

1/1/2013

Well another new year. I have decided to pay careful attention and lose some weight. My goal is 25 pounds by 12/31/2013.

1/26/13

It has been a few days. I think a lot about food. I have not formulated a plan.

Mom is in the nursing section of the Seasons – the Courtyard. She’s not happy. I’m not sure what she wants and she doesn’t seem to be able to vocalize it. I think eventually she will need more help.

Boss man at Armor – Rick – seems to distrust my abilities. BUT I aim at good customer service.

9/16/13

What a difference 9 months can make. Rick sometimes gives me the impression he can’t do without me. Maybe it’s a scam.

Mom is off one of her BP meds.

I love Cheryl more than anything.

January 9, 2014

Where has the year gone? I found this text hidden in my files:

It’s amazing actually. We met on a blue moon. Look at the chart of the moon’s phases below. It came from stardate.org. I looked for the information after Cheryl and I took a walk in the park. The park was Winton Woods. It was the place where we first met.

Moon phase chart – August 1966

Her memory is one of a big full moon. I don’t remember that. My mind was on other things that night. Finding a girl was not one of them. Being cool and one of the guys was. Oh well, a busy life and many years gets in the way of memory.

Her memory may be better.

Regardless of any of these thoughts we figured that we met on a blue moon. It is now 2010. We are still together. Proving what? Perhaps it is important for the first night to be special. It probably is for all but they don’t notice at the time. I know I did not. Fortunately Cheryl did.

It got me to thinking; perhaps I should put down my thoughts before I don’t have any more of them. And, I never did lose weight.

I have not had a cigar in two weeks. It takes small baby steps and less beer.

May 19, 2014

I am not very consistent at writing this journal. But, here it is again.

Gave up on the cigar thing for now. I like them too much. I have tried to take beer out of my diet on a regular basis. I think this will reduce the number of extra calories that I take in. Maybe…

My car is broke. Dan has had it since last Thursday. It has a bad instrument panel. I also asked him to put on tires for me.

SO – as a result of not having a car I rented one to drive up to Muncie for Audrey’s first communion. BMW – fun to drive, uncomfortable to ride in.

I have figured out many nuances to the whole Java thing. Every now and again there is a LITE that pops on.

That’s all for now.

November 27, 2016

Took a walk with Cheryl at Otto Aimleider park. One+ miles. She “ran out of gas” for the last 3 tenths of the mile. (so a little more explanation – Cheryl has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Not a death sentence but annoying in the extreme.)

Prayer For Today – Lord, help me to be more accepting of the situation I have been given in this life.

November 29, 2016

We closed on the house. Ron and Amanda moved in yesterday. It was a nice day today. 62F or so. Cheryl seemed generally up all day. (Some days she runs out of gas easily.) Finished the latest Virgil Flowers book. Good job, John Sandford.

Blessed are the tweet makers –

Blessed are the tweet makers for they are the makers of news and commentary and entertainment.

Blessed are the poorly educated –

Blessed are the poorly educated because Trump loves them.

Blessed are the Hillary voters –

Blessed are those who voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton for president for they now understand the workings and the purpose of the Electoral College.

Blessed are the Donald voters –

Blessed are those who voted for Donald J. Trump for president for they now understand the workings and the purpose of the Electoral College.

Blessed is the fourth estate –

Blessed are the writers and journalists of the legitimate media outlets for their writings have been restricted to those who read with purpose, thoughtfulness and altruism.

Blessed are the drive-by media –

Blessed are the pundits, commentators and talking heads of the cable news services for they interpret and filter the profundity and blather of the tweet makers.

Blessed is Rush Limbaugh –

Blessed be Rush Limbaugh for he hath warned of these days while rallying the conservative movement which had heretofore been constipated in a non-movement state.

Blessed are the retired generals –

Blessed are the retired generals and hawks for they shall be nominated for high office in the Cabinet. They will cause bills to be passed and create high drama as the Senators must now reconcile decisions and duties to their constituencies.

Blessed are the completely retired generals –

Blessed are the completely retired generals for after having served and served and served again they are free to fly-fish and enjoy other stereotypical retirement activities that were previously unattainable while pursuing high drama within the Senate chambers.

Blessed is the middle class –

Blessed is the middle class because few exist in it, many strive to attain it, fewer still have managed to rise above it, but all maintain that vision of the American dream.

 

How is it that folks who live in condo and other private communities feel that they can tell others what to do?  There are about three basic tenets that all the religions tell us to live by.  You know them – Do unto others…  Talk to others…  Pull up your own socks… Eat some pie each day.

If we generally lived our lives this way, what a beautiful world it would be.

Not sure why this means peace but i’m old…

It occurs to me that today  is Laura’s birthday . She was so much younger than me. Never really a part of my life but near the  end of her time on this Earth and unbenounced to me I began buying her lunch on her birthday.  Then she became very I’ll with MDS a variety of leukemia. She’s gone now. I will never be sure how I feel about that.

Great day today. Cheryl was struggling for a while with her Parkinson’s but she is better now. Evening is best for her. Right now she’s exercising on the floor. Planning to make goetta later-probably tomorrow.