memories

With This Ring

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With this ring I thee wed. It was a long time ago and I do not remember the actual wording of our vows as I slid the wedding band on her finger. Lately she has the delusion that her wedding band belonged to her deceased sister Janice and was give given to her by her mother for safe keeping. Last evening she told me that she wanted to give it to her sister’s granddaughter.

Stories and delusional narratives like this that she makes up out of whole cloth disturb me. And, at the same time, they are very interesting to me. They are a kind of window into her confused mind.

In the past few months, Janice, is on her mind a lot. She talks to her in her sleep. She talks to her in her head during the day. She will find an old photo of Eric or Kevin and remember Jan. At night if I awaken her when I visit the bathroom, she might say, “Jan, what’s going on?”

She mixes up her sister Nancy with Janice. Nancy was very close to Janice in life. That thought mingles the two sisters in her current mind.

Occasionally she will say to me, I should call Jan and see how she is doing but I don’t know her number so I’ll call Mom first. With people dealing with dementia and confusion the experts say to go with the conversation and accept what the delusion may be at the moment. I do mostly but I avoid promotion or continuation of a mistruth. I respond with, “Think about Jan for a minute” and she will say, “oh, yeah she’s gone isn’t she?” To which I respond yes, she is but you can still talk to her in your head. You can say Hi to your Mom too. (I always worry that it will make her sad. It does not seem to do that. She seems calm with the fact that she remembers her mother and sister’s passing.)

She brought me this photograph last night that she had found in her office. Her little note “Hoo? is this” made me chuckle. I still have that Hilton Head hat and occasionally wear it in the summertime. That is her shoulder off the left of her posty note. I have a gray mustache but Cheryl’s hair is still brown. I put it on my desk to look at and remind me where we are on this road.

I have no idea who took the picture. the print date on the back is June of 2006, so, it is pre-parkinson and his damned disease.

After we had been married twenty-five years we gave each other new wedding bands to commemorate the occasion. The inscription reads Cheryl to Paul 8-29-70/95 on mine. (This is so I would not forget our wedding date. We met on the 30th of August, so, I always have had a little mental confusion about the date.) Twenty-five years down the road her fingers were more robust as were mine.

Our 25th commemorative bands are larger. About a year ago she complained that her wedding band would simply fall off her finger and she wanted to get a chain to put it on to wear around her neck like a necklace. I took her to the jeweler and we found a chain. She later discovered her original wedding band and found that it fit again after losing Parkinson weight. She has been wearing it for many months.

In the past couple days she believes it to be Jan’s wedding ring.

Carpe Diem.

Janice

Christmas Memories

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From Cheryl on December 27, 2021:

Every time members of our family get together, we have lots of fun. We don’t need board games or card games.  We remember    lots of events, and those memories breed  more memories. Most of the time, the memories are triggered by a long-lost photo that we find when getting out the Christmas decorations. For instance, there is a memory I have that I have told many times over the years– it’s a good memory.  I was probably 4 years old and Jan was probably 2 years old, and she had curly blond hair.  I had straight brown hair.  Mom wanted me to have curly hair.  It was Christmas eve.  Jan and I were supposed to take a nap. Mom used some metal curlers to curl my hair for the occasion. Then she put Jan and me to bed  in Mom and Dad’s bed. At the time, their bedroom was separated from the living room by a set of  sliding pocket doors. So Jan and I were told to go to sleep. Jan went to sleep almost right away, while I tossed and turned…wide awake!  In the pocket doors there were a couple of key holes that were just high enough in the doors for me to look through.  So, of course I peeked in, and there, across from the door, was a  doll-size table and chairs, with a babydoll sitting on each chair! I just stood there staring at my new toys. Then suddenly Mom opened the door   right in front of me.  Then Mom gently scolded me, and told me to get back in bed. She said that Santa was in the kitchen, and he wouldn’t be happy if he saw that I was awake. I went right back to bed and kept quiet until it was time for supper. This is one of my fondest Christmas memories. 

Her short term memories are virtually gone and yet she can write these amazing stories from her childhood. This is from about a year ago. she sent it to me in an email. She has almost no use of her computer these days. She does not know how to turn it on.

I am embarking on a global search of stories like this from her.

Carpe Diem and save the memories as best you can.

Black Friday

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This is a term associated with the Friday after Thanksgiving Day. (2022) We had been at Anna’s house. Anna hosted. Almost everyone was there. Cheryl sat at the end of the table near Anna. Anna read a wonderful prayer. I sat at the other end of the table near Scott and Gavin. A great meal surrounded by family was enjoyed by everyone.

Today – black Friday – Cheryl was a little down this morning after breakfast. She talked about not understanding what was going on about her yesterday.

She did not remember that she had forgotten being there last night as we went to bed and I talked about the meal and conversation at Anna’s house. — Last night as she was crawling into bed she asked about going to Anna’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Without thinking I responded with we were there all afternoon. Do you not remember having dinner at Anna’s? Luke had really long hair. She became upset. She could not find that memory and it seemed that for a moment it terrified her. (I knew immediately I had made a terrible mistake of assuming she knew.)

She talked about “losing her mind” this morning. She talked about her granddaughters who were sitting all around her not understanding the surroundings. We had another moment were we sat for a minute to recognize the changes in her memory and cognition. (I am losing her more and more and she recognizes that and it makes us both sad.)

Thank you Lord for the moments we both still have. Even if we cannot remember.

Carpe Diem.

Full On Baking Mode

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Well Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Christmas is a couple days afterward and then Easter is the following week. Cheryl thinks that anyway, so, we are all decorated for Christmas (Soon to be Easter) Season.

Yesterday I made banana nut bread out of some soon to be brown bananas purchased specifically for that purpose. Here is the result.

Later today we will make the sugar cookie recipe that Cheryl remembers as a child and later on she made when our kiddos were small. As you can see the Mirro cookie press booklet has been though many cookie wars. (The cookie press itself has been replaced many times.) I am in the process of transcribing these recipes for posterity but I suppose if I look hard enough I could find them elsewhere on the internet of all knowledge. I am not very busy. One more thing is okay.

The cookie dough has been hanging out in the fridge overnight so it should be perfect today.

Carpe Diem

Christmas Trees tell a Story

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As do most things in our lives, Christmas trees and other holiday decorations tell a story of good times past. Some are sad times past but they are stories of our life.

I gave in yesterday as it slowly dawned on me that the tree decoration activity was becoming an overwhelming task for Cheryl. It was her idea and has been for a couple of weeks. “We have to get the Christmas tree up, Easter will be here next week” she told me one day. I had resisted but I thought – who cares? I got the boxed tree out of the garage and put it up. I got the tubs of decorations out and parked them on the dining room table for the next couple weeks. We maneuvered around them. Once in a while she would put up a ornament or two. Many of these are one the dining room ceiling fixture because it was near to the tub on the table.

I have to admit it makes me smile.

Yesterday I had little to do while I was waiting for the laundry to get finished, so, I put up the rest of the tree decorations on the tree. I put the empty tub back in the garage with a small sigh. And the last glass ornament on the ceiling fixture over the table. Our house says Christmas now.

Carpe Diem.

More on Decorating

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A new discussion popped into the conversation today, Cheryl is working her memory about where each ornament came from. There is a series of small flat wooden ornaments that she kept herself busy with when she was pregnant with our kids or they were very small around Christmas. They are painted flat pieces of plywood. She did these many years ago. At first they were always hung on the bottom of the tree so that little hands could touch and even remove them with no ill effect.

It is a memory lane thing. As the kids got older they would make ornaments for the tree. Some were made from wheat dough and cured in the oven and later varnished and painted. The last of these – a blue dog bone – is broken this year. (I may do my magic glue trick and resurrect it for display.) Some ornaments were purchased at a Christmas bazaar at the school our kiddos attended when they were growing up. Grand kids have made snow people with their names on them. Cheryl’s mother gave every one of her children a ornament from Macy’s commemorating some event each year when she was alive. All of the ornaments have a story that is remembered and spoken about as the tree is assembled ever so slowly.

The top row of pictures includes Sr. Laurencia’s bells and Grandma’s snowflakes. The oldest grand child, Laurencia, is named for Sr. Laurencia who had a very special relationship with Cheryl in her high school years and in our early married life. Grandma’s snowflakes was purchased by our daughter Anna and when Zachary came along I added a snowflake for him.

There are so many memories to share while putting the tree together.

Carpe Diem.

The Decorations Continue…

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The tree went up today. Perhaps a bit early but hey, according to Cheryl Easter is in a couple days. We have to get ready. Some ornaments are placed in a special circumstance like a lamp or the chandelier that in the picture below. The twelve days of Christmas garland was placed on the china cabinet. That is a new position this year. Much like the trip to the shoe store it is an overwhelming task.

The dementia and associated cognitive decline keeps her from maintaining any focus for more than a few minutes. It also adds a twist of spontaneous creativity. We have had this floor lamp for years. today she said, How can I hang these on the pull chains?

Some ornaments were hung on it with care. The beaded garland went over the door to my hideout. There are more to come sometime. Late night punding has commingled with hanging ornaments. Sometimes the ornaments are viewed and reviewed and replaced in their storage container. So far the tree has captured about seven ornaments.

Not bad for three hours of activity. It can be dumfungling to her. (Use a new word often and it becomes yours.)

Carpe Diem

Embrace It

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In her blog, Cheryl Hughes, writes that many times it is better to “just let go”. She spent many years as care partner for her husband.

I have decided to do that in many ways. If I decide that we are having salad for dinner,  I buy a bag of salad. Salad kits are available.  It is way easier than chopping stuff. And there is enough for four typically so if you want lunch the next day you are good.

It can cost a little more but what is the harm in embracing the changes as a care partner. My Cheryl believes that Christmas is any minute now. Until a week or so ago I was resistant and felt the need to correct her thinking. What ever for? Why generate artificial stress? She will not remember being incorrect, she only remember that I think her to be wrong when she is certain that she is correct. I could embrace the fact that Christmas is next week and we should put up the decorations.

We got a catalog from Amazon which is unusual by itself but it has kid’s toys in it. I cynically remarked sometime ago about getting Raggedy Ann for our daughter and Anna chided me with – I am totally okay with Raggedy Ann! It could be fun. Between decorating actions my Cheryl searches through several cookie options in the Cheryl’s cookies catalog (too many Cheryl’s in this story) and looks for the perfect Christmas cards in the Printery catalog. Sometimes she is telling me about cards, sometimes cookies. What could be the best one or two? Of each?

The Christmas elf is sitting in the chair ready to help Santa. HO HO HO is on the front door. The little wooden Santa is falling off the closet door. Knitted Santa is on the clock. The inside of the front and side doors are decorated so that Santa cannot get in without being noticed. The decorations are moving along nicely.

Eddie bear always gets booted from his seat next to the telephone. He lost his telephone long ago. He seems to be okay with the rocker and he has a place to hang his elf hat.

Anna makes me smile as I think about it and she is right.  It could be fun to shop for gifts for the kids and grandkids. Perhaps I should embrace it. What difference is it if Christmas is a months long event? So I told myself a few days ago that we would go for it.

Now that the decision is made, we should be shopping for the kids.

We need to find sizes or which toys suit which kid best. Laurencia likes puzzles and building things. Virginia is crafty and plays trumpet. Vinny likes Lego kits. Gavin is into online gaming. Regan is off to college next year. Audrey is a dancer. Ellie? Dillon? Luke delivers pizza but his passion is photographic art. Lots to think about. Have I forgot anyone? I have got to find Raggedy Ann for Anna. Yep, lots to think about.

Cheryl has powerful childhood memories about the holiday season. There were many good times, parties, family gatherings and fun. Perhaps it is time to make some new ones.

Carpe Diem.

7AM and a Funeral

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In an amazing amount of support for our dear friend Linda, Cheryl was able to fall asleep and stay asleep over night. She slept well and this morning she awakened to the 7AM alarm put out by the loud and annoying alarm clock. The past few weeks she has trained herself to ignore it.

Diana, Linda’s sister and very special best friend, left us last week. Visitation for friends and family happened yesterday evening in the afternoon. I thought that would be enough for Cheryl. On the way home from the funeral home we stopped for a bit to eat. Between mouthfuls of hamburger and a review of the dessert menu she told me that she wanted to go to the funeral tomorrow. I reiterated the fact that the funeral mass was across town and at 10AM meant that we would be leaving the house at 9AM. No matter she said she wanted to go.

I told Cheryl she would have to trust me that I would get her up and moving in time to make it. It is very important that you sleep well overnight, I told her. She said she would and she did.

This day is to remember Diana Sehlhorst. Diana came to our condo a couple times. Once after her husband Dan passed away Linda was having a conversation with her about moving to a smaller place. Linda did that after my cousin Frank died many years ago. Linda bought a condo as part of an old home overlooking the Ohio river. Ours is a newer building overlooking the trees in the back and a great view of the sunset across the valley from our parking lot in the front. Diana was looking at options. What she eventually selected was way different than both of those.

I wrote the event on our calendar and posted it on the morning erasable board. I got Cheryl up, helped her to toilet, found her comb and glasses. I went off to get Frosted Mini-Wheats as requested. I asked again if she wanted to go to the funeral mass. Cheryl insisted that she still wanted to go. We left in good time and Google maps guided us to the back of the church property because that was the swiftest way there (allegedly). I navigated my way around the block to the front of church.

Sitting in church waiting for the start of the ceremony I noticed that even at a sad event as a funeral some folks naturally smile. Even with despondency, tiredness and family sadness smiles appear. Little children make older folks smile. Diana had many grandchildren. Not everyone is capable of smiling at somber events. I think that I am not. Even in death there is rejoicing. The comment, “She’s in a better place.” is a tribute to death as a state to aspire to. Funerals sadden me.

We arrived in good time about twenty minutes ahead of the scheduled start. As the ceremony got started and Diana came by in the casket, Cheryl needed the restroom. As Diana came in we headed out to the restroom in back. And we forgot the purse.

At communion Cheryl told me she did not want to go up for communion. After the restroom we sat in one of the rear pews. St. Lawrence church is a long narrow building constructed in the old form of shaped like a cross. It would be a long walk. I went to communion , collected the purse on the way by our previous pew and returned with host. I broke it in two and gave her half. She said, amen.

Diana’s son at the end of mass delivered a small discussion of a lesson he learned from his mother in his impressionable early teen years; If everyone gives 100 percent it’s easier to meet in the middle. Words to live by, I think.

We came home and Cheryl had ice cream for lunch.

Carpe Diem.

I Found Words from Dad

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I found this old letter in among other pictures from my mother. I have a couple plastic tubs of “Mom and misc.” Recently I was looking through these looking for something else.

For awhile I thought about Dad and our relationship. I found in my memory stories that I have about him.

When you think about people who have died, they are alive again. At least for a little while they are here with us.

Carpe Diem.