My search for grace and meaning after a former care partnering life with a wife who suffered from Parkinson's disease and dementia giving her a confused and disorienting world.
One of the hidden benefits of my sister-in-law’s retirement from her lifelong private babysitting business is the fact that Zane her grandson often comes to help his mom spruce up my condo. Zane came yesterday and brought his rock collection. He is so proud of it.
I have many magnification devices and he had none, so, I gave him one of mine so that he could further explore his collection and expand his knowledge of his world. I also gave him a special Rubbermaid rock case to house his collection. He seemed satisfied with both
I snapped a few photos of the future STEM student. I am hoping that Zane will come to help his mom often. And I hope he will keep up his interest in geology.
It is unlikely that his interest in rocks will last throughout his lifetime but it might. Maybe many years from now when I am gone he will remember the good time he had yesterday examining his collect with the special magnifying glass Uncle Paul gave him.
Scott figured out the exposure controls on his phone and took this picture. All I got was a blob of white light. The corona is still quite bright and phones have poor optics.
Leading up to and leading away from the time of totality, the light takes on an odd quality. In much the same fashion as just after a fierce rain storm, a thunderstorm, the light is oddly yellowish. It is dimmer of course but it is diminished and yellowish.
After the eclipse, young people’s conversation was about other things in their lives. My thoughts were about what I had just witnessed. I think I was a little awestruck and underneath the complete shadow, I felt a little sad. The sadness passed quickly as the awe took over.
After the eclipse shadow passed over us the newly blooming tulips where opening back up. The plants had closed their eyes for the night when the moon blocked out the sun.
Sunlight was dim but getting brighter. Little half moons appeared where the sunlight filtered through the bushes nearby.
Mostly though my thoughts went to Cheryl. Cheryl was fascinated with astrological phenomena. I was saddened that I could not enjoy the spectacle with her. I spent some time thinking of her reaction and discussing what we saw. We talked at length about how magnificent the corona appeared once the moon completely shut off the rays of the sun. She noted that she felt chilly when the shadow of the moon was directly overhead. (I am glad she did not need me to get her jacket from the car.) I told her that I noticed that the wind had kicked up somewhat . I supposed because the air was cooler. Many but not all of the birds stopped chattering to each other. I asked her if she had noticed the eerie sunset like quality to the horizon in all directions. This was unexpected for me.
Perhaps this is a way to mentally deal with grief, just simply talk to her. Later when I go to find the northern lights she can see them with me.
Lately I have struggled with the idea that this terrible disease of Parkinson has robbed Cheryl of her smile. To keep that smile present in my mind I have been collecting pictures, old and new, and assembling a collage of smiles.
I am not finished but this is it so far. I will revisit this posting every now and then as I find pictures back that I want to add.
Falling down and injuring myself has captured my thoughts for the time being. Some lessons can only be learned from one’s own experience.
The first and maybe the most important one is pretty straightforward. I am older than my brain is willing to accept. Maybe I should be more careful about things. Not surprisingly I am much less athletic than I used to be when I was a younger man.
The second is no longer will I focus on strength training. Exercise focus will be endurance and balance based. If the particular exercise helps with those things I will include it. Biking and yoga are two exercise activities that I am drawn to in particular .
The third idea is perhaps I should seek out help to deal with ongoing grief.
A good friend posted this recipe for her focaccia bread. — A few of you asked for my Focaccia bread recipe. Here you go:
In a large bowl combine 4 cups of flour, plus 2 teaspoons each salt and yeast. Stir until dough comes together. Drizzle with a good olive oil and gather it into a rough ball. It will be quite moist. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator for 8 to 24 hours. When you remove the bowl, gently punch down the dough, drizzle with a little more oil and gather into another ball. Take an 11 by 13 inch pan, spread olive oil all over the bottom and sides of the pan. Press the dough to the edges of the pan. Let sit for 30-60 minutes (some recipes suggest 2-4 hours). Sprinkle fresh rosemary leaves on top. Drizzle more olive oil on the surface. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Using all ten fingers dimple the dough until it has small depressions all over it. Drizzle a little more olive oil and bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from pan to a cooling rack. Cut into shapes of your choosing. Serve with butter or olive oil and herbs. Enjoy. See my post from earlier today to see photos.
Always up for a good challenge I noticed that Robyn didn’t mention any liquid other than oil. Her ingredients will need about 16 ounces to get a dough. Many years of making my own bread tells me this. I made it last night before I went to bed, oiled my bowl put the dough ball in after kneading for a few minutes. I drizzled more oil on top, covered with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator overnight.
Robyn sprinkled it with olive oil and fresh rosemary. Alas I was out of fresh rosemary leaves, so I adjusted.
I cut the dough in half after letting it warm up to room temperature for about an hour or so. One half I put in the freezer for a couple of days later. Dough freezes well. It will keep a couple of weeks.
The other half I rolled out a little and pulled it into a 10 by 14 roasting sheet that I use a lot. I previously spread olive oil on the pan and after helping the dough into the corners, I covered it with oil and wax paper and let it sit about 2 hours. During the last 30 minutes I chiffonaded some spinach, diced an onion and a green pepper, found my jar of minced garlic. I spread more olive oil on top and decorated the surface.
After decorating the dough…it is ready for cheeses.
Alas again I am out of fresh Romano. Another adjustment to my normal pizza activity. I forgot to mention that I intended to use Robyn’s recipe for focaccia and make a white pizza. I sprinkled the veggies with a combination of mozzarella, Colby-jack and parmesan.
Into the 450 degree oven for 10 – 12 minutes.
Good pizza is made in a very hot oven. My oven only goes to 500 degrees Fahrenheit. 10 – 12 minutes at 450 works pretty good.
Out of the oven after 12 minutes.
I let it rest long enough for me to touch the pan to cut it.
Leftovers. Nice.
I cut the remaining into four pieces and put them into a ziploc bag in the fridge. I think that they will reheat okay. The dough soaked up a fair amount of the olive oil. Letting it rest overnight coupled with the two teaspoons of salt gives the dough a sourdough taste and chew to it.
Overall an excellent choice for homemade pizza or focaccia.
This is my favorite time of the year. These days in Ohio the white trees are blooming. Most of them look pretty. They seem a week or so early this year because we had a mild winter here in southern Ohio. Nevertheless, most of these trees are decorative Bradford pear trees and the surrounding countryside has an odd decaying carcass smell.
Later the redbuds will bloom. The daffodils and forsythia have been blooming solid for a week.
Opening the miscellaneous tools drawer in kitchen can send me down the rabbit hole just like Alice of rock song and wonder land. There are many things in this drawer. All of them have their own memories associated with them.
Before the move to our condo this drawer was much larger. We were less discriminating about which tools to keep and use. Following Cheryl’s ultra frugal idea of we might need it again, we kept many things. In her house as a child and even as we were dating in high school, her Mom kept throwaway plastic utensils. But we all have our little quirks. The picture above has two wire whisks in it because at some point in my life I decided I needed two. Rare has that occasion been but I still have two just in case that situation pops back up.
If I am going to mash potatoes I tend to reach for the handheld electric mixer in the next drawer over. It is way more efficient and quicker. Cheryl liked her mashed potatoes whipped up with a little milk and butter. There is the special two prong fork on the right side of the drawer (prongs are hidden) which is the only tool capable of determining if the potatoes have completed the boiling process. I learned so many cooking techniques from my wife. I can still hear her voice, “Get me the fork to check the potatoes.” Sometimes we would prepare a meal together but often she would shoe me out of the kitchen so that she could do things her way. We all have our ways.
Many nights cooking for myself I think her ways are better. And I was able to have a glass of wine and set the table. I think food tastes better if you do not have to do it yourself.
I did use the potato masher a couple times recently (in the last year) while following the meal preparation card that came with the Hello Fresh ingredients. Cheryl told me that she really does not care for sour cream in her mashed potatoes. “The garlic was okay but couldn’t we use milk and leave out the sour cream?”, she once asked. The potato masher was nestled back into the drawer never to come out again.
There are many stories associated with the implements shown in this drawer picture. The can opener came from a Magic Chef party held by a working friend of Cheryl who we met at Taste of Cincinnati. She was single and had leased an apartment in the old Shilito’s department store building downtown. It was a cute little apartment. I have repaired the handle several times. It has memories of better times associated with it.
As I was preparing to go visit Cheryl today, I pulled a ball cap off the shelf in my closet. Fifteen other hats fell on me. Those hats have a similar set of remembrance stories. Those are for another day.
I did a stupid thing (my word) and injured my neck. After a couple MRIs and a couple of days in hospital and two neurosurgeons consulting with each other the eventual result is wear this necklace (dog collar) for eight weeks and all will be well.
I have found that I am getting used to it. I can remove it to shave and as long as I keep that up, it is not terribly uncomfortable. But that is not what I intended to write about here.
Few people are satisfied with “I fell” as an explanation for my wearing this device. Most will not hesitate to get more details. Those are all people who know me and know Cheryl’s situation. I must have a group of good friends who are concerned with our well being. I am grateful for that concern. It is also something for which I have not learned to be thankful and say thanks often for the kindness and help. I have an explanation of course, my head is generally somewhere else these days but that does not excuse me from being thankful for the extra hands and help.
So, thanks to everyone in my life who has helped me the past few days. You know who you are. Thanks to others who did not need a full explanation of how I fell on my face. It is an embarrassment to me no matter how many times others tell me that things happen. It morphed into some of us old guys telling stories about how we screwed up and luckily did not kill ourselves in the process. – You think that was dumb, wait until you hear this one I did. – A good discussion was had by all.
Today Cheryl was very active and animated. A friend from church and my cousin-in-law came to visit her and then while we were chatting the music guy showed up to get the residents to sing along and drum with the music. It lifted my spirits for a bit.
Just wear this neck brace for a while and after 8 weeks or so all will be well. Hopefully after 8 weeks or so my face won’t look like it does now. Ill be back to my clean shaven, handsome self. Not looking like I went through the windshield of a car. Anyway It’s not too bad.
I still feel kind of dumb, but Oh well. Stuff happens.
Music is playing today. It is Thursday. She is good. And that was earlier in the day. Sometimes when you least expect it. Life throws you a ringer. … two days later.
Today’s ringer is I fell on my face a couple of days ago and now I’m in the hospital. So I can’t really pay much attention to Cheryl’s health and well-being at this point in time. I have to keep track of my own health and well-being.
It’s not quite the same thing as being on vacation where I’m always thinking about how she’s doing what she’s doing who’s visiting those sorts of things.
While here I know who’s visiting because everybody that goes over to see her sends me a little text message. And also points out the fact that I need to take care of myself and get healed up.
So here’s what happened. I was having a few drinks out on the front of the building. Me and a couple of my neighbors were watching the Sun come down. Drinking beer and vodka. We were enjoying the sunshine and they had distracted me from worrying about Cheryl. I probably drank too much vodka but that’s okay. I had been over to see Cheryl and Cheryl was actually doing pretty good that day.
Anyway when I got up, I guess I stumbled and fell on my face. So now I have a fracture in my neck that they want to fix. I don’t feel any pain. I don’t feel any tingling. I don’t feel any nerve damage and the MRI doesn’t show any of that. But Here I am sitting here in the hospital bed waiting for the surgical guys to find an operating room to fix me
This is my happy face.
And then I suppose I’ll have this neck brace on my neck for a few weeks I imagine.
So It’s time to relax. I must not worried about Cheryl worry about me. Cheryl’s in good hands Somebody’s over there with her all the time. And somebody like her sister or like her daughter or like her sons or friends. They all go visit her at different times. So she has plenty. Plenty of visitors and help So when you got lemons you have to make lemonade.
