Why does it make me so angry? It seems as though our entire married life these days is caught up with this disease of Parkinson.
In our younger lives we would have lively discussion and even arguments about stuff. Issues of the day, kids doing this, kids doing that, where to go on vacation, what color to paint the walls, any or all of those things were up for grabs. Those sorts of discussion are lost to time.
In the fifty years since we married, we have had many discussions and arguments. It is impossible to not argue with the one person in life whose knowledge and opinion you value more that anyone else. If I did not care for her greatly her thoughts would be of no import to me. Parkinsonism has changed this in our lives. She does not have the strength of mind to fight back and stand her ground in a discussion. I miss that.
I think that part of what makes me so angry is the fact that it is unfair for me to be so. There is a creeping despair that enters my heart when I come to the realization that I am treading on her heart. It is a kind of slow motion grief.
I worry for the future and what that might bring. I am often longing for the past when the independent Cheryl that I married was still my partner in life. She has ceased to be that. In ever expanding little steps she has given up her independence. She leans more and more on me. Perhaps some of my rage manifests because I do not want to accept the responsibility of her dependence.
Perhaps in my heart I want her to heal and despair of the fact that it will not happen. When obvious confusion appears it terrifies me to realize I was not paying attention at the time.
Perhaps in my heart I struggle with the patience necessary to hear stories repeated. Perhaps my anger arises from the retelling when I have shifted my thoughts to something that I has my interest and I am unwilling to give attention to the retelling.
Perhaps it is tiring to live in the present. Perhaps there is no solution except to live in the present.
Carpe the damn Diem. This Diem is now gone and was not seized.
An opportunity lost and it makes me angry and a little sad.