My search for grace and meaning after a former care partnering life with a wife who suffered from Parkinson's disease and dementia giving her a confused and disorienting world.
My girl friend and I wish to register a complaint with reference to the January 1, 2026 Connections puzzle published at midnight.
Often in the early morning we exchange SMS messages to determine how well we slept over night. It is also a routine of ours to put our heads together and discover the categories to the connections puzzle published in your paper. I have subscribed to your paper for many years and I am writing to register a complaint.
This mornings purple category is without question sneaky and incorrect. “vegetables without a letter” is incorrect. “vegetables without some letters” is the correct category but this designation applies to many words and is therefore sneaky and unkind to duo solvers such as us. Shame on you!
Your clue category of “ALE EEK HIVE QUASH” was very puzzling to us both early this morning. I suggested to my love – words without the starting “S”. Shive is in fact a word albeit an obscure one, so obscure this word processing program underlines it with red squiggles. Similar to a bung it is used to close a barrel or container. It is also the past pluperfect of the noun shiv when used as a verb to indicate the style of injury enacted upon another in a reformatory situation.
Although “KALE” is a veggie of some note among the svelte exercise and tight glutes set, it is of no interest to those of us who began life in the previous millennium. Similarly “SQUASH” aka mixed vegetables on the restaurant menu is only of marginal interest, however, these are valid choices in a certainly weak category of vegetables without a letter.
Whoever orders one leek will certainly looked upon with disdain and if that same person were to request no chive be included in their sour cream for the baked potato, she or he would in all probability be banned for life from any available table. Further shame cast upon that person! It is with this last that I am called to register the most grievous complaint for chives although is in fact a plant it is more likely to be described as a spice or a garnish than an actual vegetable. As proof of this position, I offer no restaurant menu offers as a side item chive. Nor would that same institution include one chive mixed with sour cream to enliven the taste of an otherwise boring baked potato.
Further support of this position being unnecessary, I close my letter of complaint and bid you and yours a very merry and happy new year.
I subscribe to poetry magazine. It is a small unadorned volume that appears in my mailbox every few weeks. It takes me elsewhere when it comes. The quote that appears first is on the back cover of the September volume. This morning it attracted my eye. My thoughts went off in a similar but musical direction. I found the rest of her writing inside and I read it for a bit.
Today, however, is for the students. The introduction to industrial robotics and computer integrated manufacturing class for which I am the instructor is very technical. The students are young and vibrant. They are just beginning. Near the first curve or the first fork or the first turn-off, they must decide continue or turn. Is this the way? They are not here today, so I can review their work without them yammering in my ear about why they did this or did not do that because I was unclear. Many will not or are unable to ask a question. Many are able to accept another’s work as correct and useful. (No it is not cheating. I want them to help each other.) At this early part of the journey many believe (I think) that they still need to be spoon fed. A few are beginning to try things on their own.
The software is complicated and I have not found the way myself but I have a different motive. (I want them to discover for themselves the bigger picture.) They are able to twist the software into a knot that is hard to untangle. Learning programming techniques on the fly is fun, terrifying, frustrating, satisfying and tedious. → Observation, code, check, test, reaction, observation, coding, check, test, reaction, observation, more coding, check, test, reaction, observation, coding, check, test, reaction, observation, much more coding, check, test, reaction, observation, coding, check, test, reaction, observation, coding, check, test, reaction, observation, yet more coding, check, test, reaction. Will this never end? (I imagine some in the class thinking this to themselves because they are reluctant to say they are struggling out loud to the instructor.) Indeed, a wiggly and tedious road coding is, similar to life itself, similar to writing.
I can feel it coming in the air tonight… – Phil Collins
A wiggly road teaching is. As I work my way through the material which is specific to industrial robots of a specific manufacturer, my thoughts go toward how to generalize techniques and ideas to other areas. Programming (coding) a process is an art form. It is both technical and elegant. Although I have had the good fortune to do this work throughout my working career, I recognize I do not know all. Teaching, mentoring and instructing is humbling for me. I find out how little I know.
… all I wanna do is have some fun before the sun comes up over Santa Monica Blvd. (also Sheryl)
All of these thoughts and others came tumbling into my head when I read Alexis Pauline Gumbs’s quote on the back of Poetry. On some days, most days, poetry centers me. When I read the quote from her above I felt a pull to the content. I was floundering with industrial robots. Alexis was not writing about that. Alexis was writing about a fellow poet Cheryl Clarke.
“Time is not straight. Time spirals and veers, embraces and releases. She shows up with a U-Haul after one date. Time doesn’t move stubbornly forward. She comes back and helps an ex-girlfriend mourn the loss of her more recent lover, maybe even helps her raise her kids. Time is not obsessed with progress. She wants you to come back and revisit lessons you thought you had already learned. Time shows up brand new, as an imp and a trickster. Time is guided not by security, but by the risk of love. Again.
This instant. This triumph. Time is a lesbian.” — Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Poetry, September, 2025 issue
These are powerful words. ( “She shows up with a U-Haul” made me chuckle.) Time (life) is an instructor. Wisdom is “she” in the Bible. We would do well to listen, heed, be present for the message. Our time here is short and winding. Listen. Observe. Embrace the tedium.
A gnat is any of several species of small flying insects that magically appear in the late spring and stick around until late autumn. Here and there they show up without seemingly any help from anyone. It is truly magical. Tiny life, once not here and then here.
I thought of this while waiting for the Nespresso to complete this morning. I was watching one of God’s creatures hop across the kitchen counter nearby as my cup was filling. To be honest, I was focused on whether it was a gnat or one of the floaters that occasionally appear in my vision. Gnat it was.
Imagine the world we live in from the view of the gnat. Big does not begin to describe it.
Imagine your universe … big does not…
This is the kind of thought experiment that I have when I allow myself to do it. We are all here doing the same thing. – Eat, survive, stay alive, reproduce. Why do we spend so much time getting in front of each other? If the hope was I would answer this question so that it could be rebutted with opulent dismissiveness, I cannot. I cannot answer why many are willing to advance unwanted or unasked for interference. I cannot answer why we cannot merely be present for each other.
Gnat is a term that means small fly. There are many species of tiny insects that are referred to as gnats in a general sense. Gnat is a generic term. Gnat is a stereotypical term. Stereotypes are assessments of a small group and extension of those assumptions to a larger group with a bias toward that larger group. The bias often comes from a sense of envy.
In the New Testament there is a story about an owner of an olive grove who hires day labor several times a day to pick his olives. At the end of the day the guys who worked all day became grumpy that they were not paid more than the guys that had only picked olives for a couple hours. They expected their deal to change simply because the olive grove owner was generous to the late comers. The early group was envious of the late comers good fortune.
Envy is a powerful force in life. Envy is all mental. The guys who worked all day could have celebrated the two hour workers’ good fortune instead of mourning their own perceived misfortune but they did not. They chose to be grumpy. The olive grove owner admonished them for their grumpiness.
Everywhere in the world people, animals, insects, plants, fungi are doing the same thing – eat, survive, stay alive, reproduce. Seemingly not recognizing that our fellow people, animals, insects, plants, fungi are doing the same. Recognizing that we are all doing the same thing in life brings peace to the soul. Some would call that woke, a slang term that intends to demean the idea of compassion for our fellow man. Peace only comes with the awareness of the needs of others.
We are all human on Earth with the same needs.
We are all gnats or smaller in the universe. Our needs do not change nor do others.
All the puzzles were easy to do for me. Is it a good sign that I was able to do both the Wordle and Connections in the NY Times and solve them both rapidly? Some mornings my brain is alert and my favorite puzzles are easily solved. They are almost trivial.
Is that because I will be with Debbie today? Both of us have Friday off. We have a couple of activities planned. My heart is happy. My brain is anxious for our bantering conversation.
A typical morning text string from a few days ago:
You up?
Me, Of course but you are not sleeping late… (smiley face)
Me, Happy Wednesday
Asleep before 10 so woke up by 6. Happy Wednesday ! 82 degrees today ! 15 percent chance if rain now. Very windy tho
Oops 50 percent
Me, Yep. Gayle is wearing red and black too
Me, Lonnie lost Wisconsin
Gayle? Weather looks bad tonight. Good to hear about Wisconsin . Lonnie needs to learn how to lose. He’s like a spoiled 5yr. old.
Me, BMWs will be more expensive tomorrow
Darn I’ll get mine today then.
Me, (smiley face)
Wanna come?
Me, In general? Or to get a beemer?
100 percent knew you’d say that. Yes and yes
Me, You are incorrigible (smiley face)
Thank you
Me, Hmmmm….
Me, Tuff schedule today?
Right? Lol. Only 6 today thank goodness.
Me, AustedoXR comes with a free coffee mug. It’s orange though.
Is that a bmw?
Should come with a free trip
Me, How come Donnie has so many blond haired women around him.
Me, Does no one else notice stuff like this?
Me, XR is some kind of drug for some thing.
Few people notice what you do.
Men in power frequently want blondes with big breasts around them. Just sayin
Me, I think Tara only has 3 pairs of shoes
Now I like her more.
Me, Hmmm… now I have to focus on tit’s. Hard to see past the podiums.
Where there’s a will there’s a way
Me, Eureka! A side view of whatshername reveals nice boobs. How do you know these things? Are you psychic?
You’re welcome. Yes I am psychic
Me, Huh. I imagine that can be burdensome on some days.
Kids at office say that too. Haha. they think I can read their minds. Yes I would actually not want to be psychic.
How’d you sleep?
Me, Pretty swell. I only woke up twice. I’m unwoke today.
Me, Wordle
Me, (picture of the puzzle)
Me, Going to look for more coffee
Good. And you are the opposite of unwoke. What’s the orange mean?
Me, (picture of the puzzle)
Me, S out of position
Did you get it?
Me, Yep… moving on to Connections
Well let me know if you need help. Haha
It is a common back and forth us and I love it. We are a little smartypants and a little flirty. It makes me laugh out loud.
I have been thinking about this paraphrase that Debbie has used many times in our conversations. “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” is the line from the final stanza of Desiderata by Max Ehrmann written almost 100 years ago. I use it on the masthead of my blog. It is a calming peaceful poem. His view of the universe is much like mine a view from increased years. Some would say from wisdom. My years are more increased than his when he wrote it.
A principle of thermodynamics is that the entropy of the universe is always increasing. Debbie, when she says unraveling, is speaking a clearer pragmatic practical truth about our universe. It is unraveling as it should or more correctly as it will. Some would say God’s will. I does not matter as the unraveling happens on its own. Embrace it.
One should be aware of impending doom. Reporters of the weather often drill this concept to the masses of their audience. Aware but do not fret over it. In the case of weather, use the information to dress accordingly. Other situations present other doom scenarios. Prepare as best you can and then move on with your life. Progressive insurance tells you to bundle your home and auto insurance. I do just not with them. Boy scouts say be prepared. (yada yada yada)
It is a mistake to base your entire world view on no more than your own experiences. Max Ehrmann admonishes us to: Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. That is advice I got from my own father long ago. Less elegantly, he said, you should listen to the other guy even if you think he is a jerk because he might actually have a good idea. My dad was a really smart and practical guy. Sometimes I miss conversing with him. It is important to talk to people who do not share your life philosophy, that was his point.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Another line from Max, “aridity and disenchantment”, I read as highs and lows. Every love has that in it. (Give and take – if you like that better.)
Perhaps Debbie and I should sit and remaster Desiderata for our time together. Or perhaps not. The words are a philosophy for the spiritual but unchurched, for the Buddhists in a Catholic body like me.
There are a variety of abundant interest (AI) tools out there to play with. And as I am wont to do upon occasion I will use other depictions of the “AI” combination that is often knowingly translated as artificial intelligence.
In a discussion with Debbie, she stated that mad is not a primary emotion. I actually do not think of “mad” as an emotion at all. I think of it as a reaction to some stimulation, such as, some one jumping in front you in a line you’ve been waiting in for some time. But in this instance I felt the need to invoke the intelligence artificielle (French is so cool) and find out Microsoft Copilot’s take on mad as an emotion.
Is mad a primary emotion? I asked copilot (automatic ignorance) and it responded – Yes, “mad” or anger is considered a primary emotion. Primary emotions are basic and universal feelings that are instinctual and immediate responses to stimuli. Alongside anger, the other primary emotions typically include:
Happiness: Feeling joy or contentment.
Sadness: Feeling sorrow or grief.
Fear: Feeling scared or anxious.
Disgust: Feeling repulsed or offended.
Surprise: Feeling astonished or amazed.
These emotions are the building blocks for more complex, secondary emotions that we experience.
… and it continued; What’s on your mind about these emotions today?
Mostly, huh? Love is not a primary emotion?
There is something special or maybe weird or eerie about talking to a computer (it has voice recognition) and getting pseudo human responses. The internet of all knowledge is a huge database now and it is getting huger by the second. Love is a combination of feelings and this game that I was playing with my laptop was fun to play, albeit, not useful as anything other than entertainment.
“Copilot, write a love sonnet to Debbie.”, I said in a moment of playfulness.
Absolutely! Here is a love sonnet for Debbie:
To Debbie, my eternal guiding light, Whose smile outshines the stars in heaven’s height, Thy presence warms my heart through day and night, And in thy love, my soul finds pure delight.
With eyes that sparkle like the morning dew, Thou art the muse who paints my skies so blue. Thy gentle touch, a balm that feels so true, In every breath, my heart belongs to you.
O Debbie, thou art cherished, dear and fair, A constant flame that brightens all despair. In every whispered word and tender care, I find a love beyond compare.
Forever thine, in passion’s sweet embrace, Our love shall soar and never leave a trace. (Wait. Wait. What?)
I hope she loves it! Would you like me to help you with anything else?
Other than Copilot seems to be slightly confused about the structure of a Shakespearean sonnet it is not bad. On the other hand, ABAB CDCD EFEF GG does not forgo A rhyming with B and so on through the effort it put out above. It is very mushy. William would have crushed the paper, I imagine. I crushed the paper electronically and I asked it for another and I specified that certain words be used (caress, hand);
Certainly! Here’s a sonnet for Debbie with the words “caress” and “hand”:
O Debbie, with a gentle touch so sweet, Thy hand in mine, a bond that none can sever. In every loving caress, hearts do meet, In tender moments, lasting now, forever.
With every glance, thy eyes do softly speak, A language known to lovers, pure and grand. Thy touch, a whisper on my willing cheek, Thy caress, a dream, where hearts expand.
O Debbie, thou art joy in every breath, With thee, the world feels bright and ever grand. In love’s embrace, I’ll cherish till my death, And always hold thee close with tender hand.
Forever bound by love’s sweet, gentle grace, In thy caress, I find my dwelling place.
I hope Debbie finds this sonnet as touching as intended! If you need anything else, I’m here to help. Better, I think, pretty many “O Debbie” s but better. Imagine a poorly lighted Shakespearean stage. Perhaps a moon lit stage with the actor looking up slightly off to stage left. So with all that love soaked emotion hiding out in a bunch of circuitry and microchips, why is love not a primary emotion? It did a better job with structure this second time.
I have diverged from my original thought though. Copilot wrote to me, “Primary emotions are basic and universal feelings that are instinctual and immediate responses to stimuli.” This implies love is neither an instinctual nor an immediate response. It shouts there is no such thing as love at first sight! (Maybe I am stuck on primary.) I think it is also uncomfortable in many ways. Love is, of course, a combination of many feelings. There is connection. It has to start there, with a connection to the other person.
If one feels (emotes) all of these for the same person is that what defines love? Tricky one. Merriam Webster says “a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another.” The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language that I have had kicking around since 1970-something has two notes. 1) agitation of the passions often involving physiological changes (use your imagination) and 2) any strong feeling as of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate or love arising subjectively rather than conscious mental effort. I think that covers it pretty well.
In my never ending search for a manual, however, I decided more research is needed. I visited several psychological web pages and found this handy emoto-wheel. Why did the asinine insistence of Copilot only tell me about six primary emotes? Clearly there are eight and love is in the crack between two of them. I stole this from an organization called Six Seconds.
And “mad” is not a primary emotion. Neither dictionary or any psychology discussion uses the word mad. MAD is the airport code for Madrid’s airport. Plutchik uses the term rage but that does not count. (The heading image is from Tiny Buddha.)
“No matter what happens between now and then, tomorrow is another day” said the news anchor on “The Day.” I think, “Absolutely and thank you mister obvious.” I suppose it was his intent to sound profound. Walter Cronkite used to end with, “And that’s the way it is…”
I started using Carpe Diem a few years ago at the end of my commentary as a way to remind myself of the potential available to us to use each day. And yet, at the end of the day I spend little time reporting to myself the high points of the day. I also do not focus on the low points.
There are many things to think about at the end of the day. Am I brave enough to love again? Am I too open with others? What great things happened today? What did I learn today? What should I think about avoiding if I can next time? At the very end, I push all those and others away by reading a novel. It is a habit I developed over the last few years. About half of the time it worked. I was tired and Cheryl was asleep or mostly so when I came to bed. These days it always works. I have also become a critic of some fiction that I have selected to entertain myself.
Before reading some novel or ones that are not novel at all to me, however, other actions take over my interest. I am in charge of myself and what I watch and what is entertainment and what is not. I was disappointed in the movie version of “Wicked” for example. I think there was a rush to get a snippet of a story onto the big screen that is in many ways incomplete. Money people for movie producers need a return of money to keep going. I think I was greatly disappointed. The singing was great but the story line went nowhere. I have some of these projects.
Quite often but not when I was working I did not finish some project. I have many of these little abandoned projects (mostly little electronic things) scattered on my work surface in my office. I have a pleasantly cluttered office and once in a while I straighten things for a bit in order to find a place for another soon to be abandoned gizmo. And yet through it all I am able to keep track of important actions that I need to do to take care of myself – pay bills, cook, shop for food, laundry – the mundane tasks of life. It may be that I am not so disorganized as I perceive myself to be.
Sometimes my blog is a stream of conscience construct. This may be one of those times.
Many people I have known were, or seemed so, very organized. I am not – at least in my mind I am not. Is it okay to be un-dis-mis-organized? (Cheryl was so good at organization.) The answer is yes. Mis-organization, as I like to call it, indicates to me that I am often not satisfied with the path I have taken to somewhere. Something does not feel quite right. I look at it as taking the next fork in the road. How many forks are there in my road? Where is this trip around the sun taking me?
It may be that I am merely constantly learning about myself and this new life without Cheryl.
I ask myself that question several times per day. What is your hurry?
My encouragement to myself is “what is your hurry?” At this stage of my life the answer is I do not know. (IDK)
I do know that when I close my eyes in the sunny shade of these woods and empty my mind as best I can, and then I open my eyes again the evergreens are a brilliant color with a deeper blue. Why is that? IDK. I have hurried through life without looking.
Why did I pick this trail for today’s activity? A day ago I wrote that I am not a child anymore and I am not youthful but I still see a world of wonder with youthful eyes. I remember long ago when Cheryl and I came here we hiked this trail more quickly than I do today. I am not in a hurry. Maybe that memory brought me up the cliff face. IDK. Today I stopped often to rest but also to look, think, remember and read and listen while I read.
I selected several books to bring with me on this retreat and personal retrospective. I selected first “So long and Thanks for the Fish” by Douglas Adams. I have read a couple of the others from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy. There are five books altogether and the theme is cynicism and simultaneous mediocrity as we splash through life. Wonko the Sane explained why he became a hermit – “The sign read: hold stick near the center of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion. It seemed to me, he said, that any society that had so far lost its head to put such a detailed set of instructions on a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization that I could live in and stay sane.” We have a lot of things like that going on. “Caution HOT!” is printed on the side of the McDonald’s coffee cup. I always think, “I hope so.” Why are warning signs like this posted? I passed several today on railings erected along the trail. The other side of the rail was a sheer drop. “DANGER No Entrance ” is printed on the sign. IDK. I did not hurry through the small volume. Several times walking today I found myself reading on a convenient log or outcrop of rock.
Why did I select this book to read first? IDK but it has been many years since I read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the absurdity of the story line is compelling. Maybe it is time to review my life and start anew. Maybe I long for the next great thing. IDK. There is no hurry.
There will be time to take time for wonder. There is no hurry.
The gentleman said as a response to an unknown question in an advertisement about a medical institution. I was watching the morning newsy program(s) and thinking about the day. It is a concept that many, myself included, wish for. The hope is that a higher power, a greatness, a consciousness greater than one’s own will take care any difficulty and fix it whatever it is. Is that realistic? What about self reliance? All of this became too hard to think about, so, I awakened the New York Times Wordle game page and did it for a minute or two of distraction.
I inadvertently touched the archive button which I had paid no attention to previously. I found that it would let me go back and work on incomplete games. (down the rabbit hole I went) November of last year was when Cheryl moved to Bridgeway Pointe in the memory care section. There were a half dozen incomplete puzzles. I kept going backward in time working puzzles and thinking about what was happening in our life.
I got to my birthday in August of last year (2023). I did not finish the puzzle that day. I cannot recall anything about what went on that day. Perhaps it was merely another day filled with Parkinson. That goes without saying. The beauty of a journal or a blog is that often I have noted what happened on a certain day in the past. From my blog/journal:
—
That day I wrote about our day. Cheryl was struggling.
—
I am not surprised that I cannot remember my birthday last year. The event itself was unimportant to the task of keeping up with her Parkinson and her dementia. Perhaps one day an oncology style doctor will emerge to straddle the care complexities of PD, dementia and dying which no doctor seems to be able admit is the prognosis for this damnable combination of symptoms and inabilities. The phrase – no one dies from PD, usually you die with it – is very much a distinction without a difference. In fact it might peg the meter on my bullshit detector.
Perhaps next year I can recall what I did this year for my birthday and smile instead of cry.
I thought; Just sit and observe. Just look and see. Just be a part of the consciousness. Just be.
A bench by the path in a park. Birds and bugs. A chipmunk forages. Snippets of mumbled conversation and comments of walkers and those who are walking. A view of the lake. A bird calls.
Autumn in mid-season. Midday but the sun low. A bright warm day as its radiance diminishes.
Lichen on the Oak near. Far, mostly green but here and there another color as the deciduous decide the weather to come, the darkness to come.
Quick steps now. A duck calls to its mate. Music. And many walkers cannot disconnect. A child counts bounces of his basketball. A hundred ten!
I walk on. From the other side of the pond, a different view. An Osage is fruitful. A tiny spider walks up my arm and wonders why I am atop its bench.
Adjunct_Wizard 