love

The Last Service to Her

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I finished filing our income tax stuff today.  I had put it off for a long time. I knew I (we) would owe this year. She helped me by keeping her Met Life stock in an account I had forgotten about. It was enough to cover what we owed.

Curiously as I was finishing up the state return it (Turbo Tax) asked for her state ID number. I found her purse in the drawer it’s been in for a year and fished out her ID. I suddenly realized that I was not going to need this information any longer. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that this is the last thing that I needed to do for her. This is the last time we file jointly. I became suddenly sad and I am still a little as I write this. It is a grief ambush. They pop up every now and then.

Part of that sadness came when I had to fill in the date of issuance and the date of renewal. Cheryl did not make it to her birthday last year. This nuance reminded me of a conversation I had with her youngest brother a week or two before her death. I cried at both of these thoughts.

I pushed send in the Turbo Tax website and got in the car to go visit Cheryl and report that the taxes are complete. Next year I will not file jointly. It is the last thing that I will do for her and that fact makes me a little sad today.

This has been a year for lasts. This has been a year for firsts.

It is the first year of my life without Cheryl. Sometimes that hits me hard. I am a work in progress.

Carpe Diem.

Life Long Learning

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Don’t Sit on the Sticker Bushes! Good advice! Something Cheryl was looking at on TV prompted this comment from her. She was just starting down the road to dementia. Odd comments and visions would come to her but we had been together too long and I loved her to much to leave her unaided. Life is full of little surprise comments. Sometimes funny some times not. They can punctuate our lives and section off unhappy or anxious feelings from the good times. Long ago now, Jerry came in and said, “There are more things today that don’t mean shit than ever before!” then he left my office.

The Valco Saga

Mistakes in life are made but if there is a plan, they are all part of the plan or not. Perhaps there is no plan per se. Perhaps it is actually a vision. The universe is a continuum. In 1990 I was employed by Cincinnati Milacron in Cincinnati, the machine tool capital of the world in many respects. I had spent 18 years of my life at Cincinnati Milacron. I came for five and stayed eighteen. A stalwart old line Cincinnati company that was the gold standard of machine tool manufacturers. Cincinnati Milacron no longer exists. Remnants of the old company do, the largest of which is simply called Milacron today. Then, however, it seemed to me that CM was dying a slow death. Occasionally I looked elsewhere for a different position.

It is much like looking for a new wife after tiring of the old wife. It is also not part of my make-up when I say that to myself. I am easily entrenched in life. Cheryl and I had been married twenty years by this time. My fortieth trip around Sol was within view. Was I too old to find another position that I was passionate about? I was not certain, nor was I willing to give up, and I was not in a grass is greener mode, I was looking to the future and wondering, what if? CM was downsizing without a vision, it seemed from my perspective. Was there a future?

A good friend that had gotten caught in the shrinkage called me one day with a lead. The head electrical wizard at the little company at which he landed had died and they where on the hunt for a new head electrical engineer. I did not realize that the head electrical person would be working directly for one half of the partnership that owned and ran the company.

Rich, the half of the partnership that eventually came to be my boss, was a know-it-all. Two weeks into the new job, I began to wonder about the wisdom of my decision to accept the position of chief electrical engineer. The previous holder of the position I had never met but he had, according to hearsay, and even Rich’s own mouth, a bit of a drinking problem. At the very least he was more gregarious than I, but most importantly, he had the protection of half of the owning partnership. I did not.

From 1990 to 1994 I worked for this little company in southwest Ohio called Valco Cincinnati. They manufacture adhesive application equipment for the packaging and other industries and like many small companies they were growing by acquisition. Theirs was an interesting application of control electronics. And the job of steering that was a giant leap of faith for me.

Office Life can be Challenging

From the perspective of 25 years later, one might imagine that the memories would fade. They do but I took notes of various kinds along the way. Mostly funny little things people would say. Engineers and technical folks are a cynical group. Most are conservative decision makers. Me included. Most carry thoughts in the background of “prove it to me” or “Oh yeah? Show me.” It is part of the nature of an engineer. If the math works, they will believe it.

I had kept a journal on and off through my life and towards the end of my tenure at Valco I wrote more. I imagine Scott Adams started down this same road at PG&E, except that he was better at it. He turned it into a career. I kept funny memos that the ownership and other managers would publish. The pointy haired boss in Dilbert reminds me of one half of the ownership, of Rich, the half that hired me.

After I was terminated, fired, sacked; a friend and colleague took all my notes from what he referred to as the “wall of shame” and collected them in a cast-off binder and sent them to me. This friend is the Jerry I refer to in the quote above. He had more insight into the workings of a privately held company than I gave him credit for at the time.

It may sound corny but these notes are precious to me. They chronicle my time there. These little messages are in addition to my journaling. Termination from a less than satisfactory job was a much needed learning experience. That I was terminated was disappointing but I now believe that everyone should be terminated at some time in their life. It is devastating. But it helps you to find inner strength. And often a better situation. At the very least it gives you perspective about what has importance and what is unimportant to you.

In this particular instance I had worked myself into a particularly odd funk. I sought help when I found myself contemplating what to do to end it all. I may have also begun to understand why the previous owner of this job had a drinking problem. I was developing my own. Between my family doctor and a psychiatrist friend of his we had attached the name of acute situational depression to my condition. It does not have to be chronic but it can be fatal. All of these sad and dark feelings occurred behind an apparently happy guy.

The Wall of Shame

Some statements transcend time and space and Jerry’s comment, “There are more things today that don’t mean shit than ever before!” is one of those. A universal theory that becomes a truth by demonstration and consistency. There are many of these.

Somewhere during my debilitating Valco experience I received one of those cute little desk calendars with an engineer saying on it for each day. Some of those I kept after I had scissored off the date. Engineering always lives in a cube farm. The walls of which made great bulletin boards. It is on of the few things I miss about working as an engineer, posting stuff on the wall for commentary by others. Much like Facebook but much more intimate and personal.

A favorite: WESTHEIMER’S RULE: To estimate the time to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit,. Thus we allocate two days for a one hour task. — (I added) — and predict April 15th as the finish date. I thought of April 15th merely because it was two weeks hence from the time of the original posting on the wall. It was only later that someone pointed out to me that April 15 had significance to the other half of the partnership. As I started the wall, others came by and helped. Many added sayings that they had tripped over in memos or simply spoke out loud. Some of the guys would be very careful about what they said around my cubicle.

This actually got better as I and others continued to collect little remarks that people say to each other in an office or elsewhere in the vein of the old sage wise sayings.

At the end of a memo written to encourage moving on with some decision: … I BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE A WINNER IF WE MAKE THESE CHANGES AND WE SHOULD PROCEED WITHOUT HASTE (sic) I have no idea why it is written in all caps. I do not have the rest of the memo. I like the thought though — damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead BACKWARDS!

Another: Papoose (def) — consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. [anon] And another – God hates a coward!

One of my personal favorites: “We’ll just come to that bridge when we cross it!” spoken by our service manager at the time, Larry, after a meeting. It might be the first time I started to write down misspoken comments by others. This is profoundly true if you stop to ponder it.

And the wall grew and grew. 1993 Exploded with all of these gems and in some cases I categorized them because context became more important.

I wonder how they put up with me? — Dave

The bigger the orifice the more shit you get out! — Randy

I never drink under the influence. — Scott

There is no group that takes more time away from family life than the Church! — R. Cloud

It looks reasonably promising (fence sitter) — Lance

People are clueless! — Todd

Jack Shit running loose is NOT a good thing! — J. Lutterbie

Some animals aren’t trainable — Jay

Not all boats will rise with the tide. (stock market) — Don

… a frozen semi-state (the fifth state of matter)– Jim

(sensitivity, empathy) He’s about as sensitive as fire ants crawling up your ass. — Mike

ADVICE – help that you don’t want to give out — Dean

It’s one of those loose T&E’s — B. Nolting

Give them lips a rest young co-op — Paul

Nothing comes from being stupid in public — Jerry

(control theory) The temperature is set on 75, the thermostat reads 67, everything’s fine. — L Marsh

(Social commentary) Stereotypes are typically based on observation — Mike

(Administration’s statement of the obvious) Everybody’s busy or they’re gone! — Jim Bornhorst

(Conversation) Are you coming back later? we’re having Karaoke tonight. — No thanks I’m on a low fat diet.

1994 brought:

(life commentary) Will we ever understand anything? — Jerry

(Electrostatic discharge) If we’d just clean up management there’d be a lot less static around here. — Gene

(why things often do not work) We didn’t load the bogus values correctly. — Dave

(obviousness) That’s going to be blank unless we put something on it! — R Woolf

His reality contact is a little low. — Kappeler

(fence sitter) I think I’ve got this somewhat under control. — Kathy

Some things you get for free you can’t afford. — Keith

God, what a Fu-Fu this has been!

It was relatively impressive. If that makes any sense. — Jerry

Fuck this place. — Paul

It was a lot easier when we didn’t have to deal with the Germans. — Paul

The last page of Jerry’s memoir to me was written by the best of the best when it came to folks that I have worked with through the years. He is truly a special person. His final words: So you have to be aware that if Bornhorst sacks you because he can’t decide how else to suck up to Greg, understand that it is your fault that some projects turned to crap. For a while at least I was pissed at Jim Bornhorst but then I realized that, as a friend once said, nothing good comes from being stupid in public. I hold those words dear. Jim probably was getting rid of me because he was told to do it and whether that was the truth of the matter or not, it was a distinction with no difference. Eventually I came to realize that being let go was actually a good day.

And in 1994 we were concerned about Global Warming but doing nothing.

The Silver Lining

This experience caused my brother to reach out to me.

Bill called me in 1994 after I had been terminated from my job with Valco. I do not remember him calling me much. It was the other way around in my memory. So, his call was a surprise.

He called me, he said to offer some advice. He said, ” You have to decide what you are going to charge.” ‘Charge for what?’ I replied. They are going to trip over some problem that they will need you to fix, because they did not know they had it. Something you would have just handled. They will try to get you to do it for nothing but its a temp job. Figure out how much you are going to charge to fix their problem.

Every worker should be fired at some point in their life. It is not very much fun while it is happening but it is an excellent learning experience. You get down on yourself. What did I do wrong? How will I go on? If you are part of the engineering staff of a company, you often operate under the illusion that you are part of the management cadre. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are a worker bee like everyone else. Your work however is to think, design, plan and create the product.

Bill’s little advice made me realize my value. Anything I did had a price. And that price was value for my time, experience, problem solving ability, cleverness and elegance of design. More importantly that price included time away from things, family, people and situations that might be more important to me than doing some job that the only tangible benefit was a pay check. He had put it in perspective. Life is too short.

Indeed! In retrospect it is unsatisfactory to harbor ill will to anyone. Better things come to you if you spend little time angry and upset about such a small thing as getting sacked. Trust the universe to center itself once more and make better things happen but you have to help. Do not sit on your hands.

More Silver

This all happened long ago. I learned from this experience that not everything happens for a reason. Some events occur because idiots gain control for a time. Most of the time if one can see past the immediate hurt, one discovers that a better existence is ahead.

I still collect sayings and phrases that engineers use. Dilbert is a favorite comic although Scott Adams is far enough away from daily existence at PG&E that often his take on office life is not as funny as it once was. Perhaps I too am older and less connected.

Some memos and silly comments were forwarded to me after I was gone. If only I could draw cartoons.

I rewrote and edited this story in response to a writing prompt that appeared in a newsletter email that I receive on a regular basis. The prompt is – This week write about a major shift you lived through, one in which suddenly so many otherwise stable details of your life dramatically changed, beyond your control, for better or worse. (Sometimes these changes can be for the better, directly or inadvertently.)

What or who ushered this shift into your life? What did your world look like before? What did it look like during and after the shift? Were you powerless in the face of it? Or did you play a role? How did you feel about it? Did your feelings about that shift change over time? If you could go back and undo the shift, would you? Why?

Don’t sit on the sticker bushes!

Carpe Diem.

Valentines Day

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And Sweetest Day are arbitrary celebrations that I do not get. If you are someone who thinks those are important I apologize for any offense you may get from this essay but why did you focus on one single day? Well maybe two? Why not celebrate that relationship, that connection every day that it exists?

Valentines Day seems to celebrate sugar and chocolate. Sweetest seems to celebrate flowers. The months that each are in, February is filled with frantic anticipation of warmth returning and, October, dread of warmth leaving the Earth seem to posess little reason for flowers and candy. Nevertheless, clever marketers have made up a reason and then filled it.

Tony Decouple was badgered by Nick and Gayle on CBS the other morning when they had run out of mudslides, fires, snow and Donald to talk about. Tony is not a fan of a big deal special day as I am not nor is Debbie. And when Cheryl was with me she was not or pretended to be as she discovered how poor I was at acknowledging dates. I have had my wedding anniversary ingraved inside my wedding ring since day one.

My term for it is date dyslexsia. Many of you will say just write it on the calendar. That works but what if you have calendar dyslexia too?

Debbie and I spent time together yesterday. We had lunch and enjoyed the cold but sunny day here in southwestern Ohio. Discussed movies and kids but did not exchange candy and gifts. Maybe we are older and wiser and less enamored with the made up marketing ploys. (Maybe I screwed up.)

We first met after Sweetest Day last year so that dyslexic event was not an issue.

Carpe every Diem.

Unraveling

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things are unraveling as they should

are they.…?

I have been thinking about this paraphrase that Debbie has used many times in our conversations. “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” is the line from the final stanza of Desiderata by Max Ehrmann written almost 100 years ago. I use it on the masthead of my blog. It is a calming peaceful poem. His view of the universe is much like mine a view from increased years. Some would say from wisdom. My years are more increased than his when he wrote it.

A principle of thermodynamics is that the entropy of the universe is always increasing. Debbie, when she says unraveling, is speaking a clearer pragmatic practical truth about our universe. It is unraveling as it should or more correctly as it will. Some would say God’s will. I does not matter as the unraveling happens on its own. Embrace it.

One should be aware of impending doom. Reporters of the weather often drill this concept to the masses of their audience. Aware but do not fret over it. In the case of weather, use the information to dress accordingly. Other situations present other doom scenarios. Prepare as best you can and then move on with your life. Progressive insurance tells you to bundle your home and auto insurance. I do just not with them. Boy scouts say be prepared. (yada yada yada)

It is a mistake to base your entire world view on no more than your own experiences. Max Ehrmann admonishes us to: Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. That is advice I got from my own father long ago. Less elegantly, he said, you should listen to the other guy even if you think he is a jerk because he might actually have a good idea. My dad was a really smart and practical guy. Sometimes I miss conversing with him. It is important to talk to people who do not share your life philosophy, that was his point.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Another line from Max, “aridity and disenchantment”, I read as highs and lows. Every love has that in it. (Give and take – if you like that better.)

Perhaps Debbie and I should sit and remaster Desiderata for our time together. Or perhaps not. The words are a philosophy for the spiritual but unchurched, for the Buddhists in a Catholic body like me.

Carpe Diem.

Wishes and Hope and Doubt

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HOPE IS A WISH

I use “Carpe Diem” as a sign off to posts that I put here. A few nights ago as Debbie and I were talking over the phone about random topics, she pointed out to me that for me the use of that phrase is a wish. I responded that I think of it as a motto and that spiraled my thought process into analyzing what that phrase meant to me and why I use it as a motto.

A motto is a brief sentence phrase or a single word used to express a principle, goal or ideal – a maxim. This is from my big dict (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language) which I got from my mother many years ago. The online Merriam-Webster lists proverb as a synonym in their thesaurus section.

Debbie expressed the thought that I use it in the sense of a hope to remain in the present and to remain present to what life brings me. She is right again. I sometimes say to her teasingly that I hate it when she is right but I forget she studied sociological things in school.

Life or, as I like to think, the universal consciousness has brought Debbie into my life. She is a sounding board for ideas of mine and I am of hers. It is curious to me how similar and dissimilar our lives have been before we met. We attended the same schools. Her kiddos and my kiddos attended the same schools. Those are similarities. She chose psychology and sociological studies. I chose engineering, science and technological studies and later in life, education studies. Those are dissimilarities.

Engineers tend to think, plan, organize and prepare for some future activity – an installation, construction, machine, infrastructure – with things. I am always on the hunt for a manual to fix things (and situations), an extrinsic solution. Sociologists work with people – people as they are now. They help them to find their solutions within themselves.

Staying present is hard for me personally. So, seizing the current moment, especially when Cheryl’s disease was getting worse, finding something to do then at that moment, while she was doing good, became incredibly important. I constantly told myself, find what works today.

In that frame of mind I took myself to that first meet up with Debbie over coffee in a coffee house ran by a church group. I seized that moment, that fear of trying something new in my life, and pushed myself out of the doldrums of grief. You do not know if you are ready until you try it.

It worked. So far it is an ecstatic experience with Debbie; conversations about anything and everything, movies and dinner afterwards, fun little field trips, and just talking and flirting on the phone, she is special to me and at the same time I have a niggling fear of that happiness dissipating.

It is a fact that the last person I felt this way with is gone now. I cannot ignore that aspect. Debbie and I talk about that too.

We have now. My hope is our happiness will last until I am no longer. That idea is selfish. It is a wish, however. So far it is a wish fulfilled. (There is the niggling fear again.)

Carpe Diem.

Mad is Not a Primary Emotion

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There are a variety of abundant interest (AI) tools out there to play with. And as I am wont to do upon occasion I will use other depictions of the “AI” combination that is often knowingly translated as artificial intelligence.

In a discussion with Debbie, she stated that mad is not a primary emotion. I actually do not think of “mad” as an emotion at all. I think of it as a reaction to some stimulation, such as, some one jumping in front you in a line you’ve been waiting in for some time. But in this instance I felt the need to invoke the intelligence artificielle (French is so cool) and find out Microsoft Copilot’s take on mad as an emotion.

Is mad a primary emotion? I asked copilot (automatic ignorance) and it responded – Yes, “mad” or anger is considered a primary emotion. Primary emotions are basic and universal feelings that are instinctual and immediate responses to stimuli. Alongside anger, the other primary emotions typically include:

Happiness: Feeling joy or contentment.

Sadness: Feeling sorrow or grief.

Fear: Feeling scared or anxious.

Disgust: Feeling repulsed or offended.

Surprise: Feeling astonished or amazed.

These emotions are the building blocks for more complex, secondary emotions that we experience.

… and it continued; What’s on your mind about these emotions today?

Mostly, huh? Love is not a primary emotion?

There is something special or maybe weird or eerie about talking to a computer (it has voice recognition) and getting pseudo human responses. The internet of all knowledge is a huge database now and it is getting huger by the second. Love is a combination of feelings and this game that I was playing with my laptop was fun to play, albeit, not useful as anything other than entertainment.

“Copilot, write a love sonnet to Debbie.”, I said in a moment of playfulness.

Absolutely! Here is a love sonnet for Debbie:

To Debbie, my eternal guiding light, Whose smile outshines the stars in heaven’s height, Thy presence warms my heart through day and night, And in thy love, my soul finds pure delight.

With eyes that sparkle like the morning dew, Thou art the muse who paints my skies so blue. Thy gentle touch, a balm that feels so true, In every breath, my heart belongs to you.

O Debbie, thou art cherished, dear and fair, A constant flame that brightens all despair. In every whispered word and tender care, I find a love beyond compare.

Forever thine, in passion’s sweet embrace, Our love shall soar and never leave a trace. (Wait. Wait. What?)

I hope she loves it! Would you like me to help you with anything else?

Other than Copilot seems to be slightly confused about the structure of a Shakespearean sonnet it is not bad. On the other hand, ABAB CDCD EFEF GG does not forgo A rhyming with B and so on through the effort it put out above. It is very mushy. William would have crushed the paper, I imagine. I crushed the paper electronically and I asked it for another and I specified that certain words be used (caress, hand);

Certainly! Here’s a sonnet for Debbie with the words “caress” and “hand”:

O Debbie, with a gentle touch so sweet, Thy hand in mine, a bond that none can sever. In every loving caress, hearts do meet, In tender moments, lasting now, forever.

With every glance, thy eyes do softly speak, A language known to lovers, pure and grand. Thy touch, a whisper on my willing cheek, Thy caress, a dream, where hearts expand.

O Debbie, thou art joy in every breath, With thee, the world feels bright and ever grand. In love’s embrace, I’ll cherish till my death, And always hold thee close with tender hand.

Forever bound by love’s sweet, gentle grace, In thy caress, I find my dwelling place.

I hope Debbie finds this sonnet as touching as intended! If you need anything else, I’m here to help. Better, I think, pretty many “O Debbie” s but better. Imagine a poorly lighted Shakespearean stage. Perhaps a moon lit stage with the actor looking up slightly off to stage left. So with all that love soaked emotion hiding out in a bunch of circuitry and microchips, why is love not a primary emotion? It did a better job with structure this second time.

I have diverged from my original thought though. Copilot wrote to me, “Primary emotions are basic and universal feelings that are instinctual and immediate responses to stimuli.” This implies love is neither an instinctual nor an immediate response. It shouts there is no such thing as love at first sight! (Maybe I am stuck on primary.) I think it is also uncomfortable in many ways. Love is, of course, a combination of many feelings. There is connection. It has to start there, with a connection to the other person.

If one feels (emotes) all of these for the same person is that what defines love? Tricky one. Merriam Webster says “a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another.” The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language that I have had kicking around since 1970-something has two notes. 1) agitation of the passions often involving physiological changes (use your imagination) and 2) any strong feeling as of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate or love arising subjectively rather than conscious mental effort. I think that covers it pretty well.

In my never ending search for a manual, however, I decided more research is needed. I visited several psychological web pages and found this handy emoto-wheel. Why did the asinine insistence of Copilot only tell me about six primary emotes? Clearly there are eight and love is in the crack between two of them. I stole this from an organization called Six Seconds.

And “mad” is not a primary emotion. Neither dictionary or any psychology discussion uses the word mad. MAD is the airport code for Madrid’s airport. Plutchik uses the term rage but that does not count. (The heading image is from Tiny Buddha.)

Debbie is right. (I hate that.)

Carpe Diem.

Christmas 2024

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I opened this page to write about my thoughts and feelings this Christmas Day this year this 2024 this time without Cheryl. How do I feel?

Rested for one. I had an enjoyable dinner with my son and his wife and their two sons. I left their house in time for Rudolph and the team to get started without me watching. Here at home I read for a short time and went to my bed with visions of sugar plums, etc. You get it.

I feel a definite lack of enthusiasm in me. I suppose that is normal.

The apparent traverse in the sky of the sun has changed but the morning light is gray. It is overcast and still dark. Thank the lord for Rudolph’s nose.

It will take an extra effort on my part to get my mood out of the doldrums.

I am not feeling it yet but when I think of the saying framed on my granddaughter’s apartment wall in Chicago “Carpe the Damn Diem”, it makes me smile.

I have wrapped all the presents that I have to deliver today and stopped to think of each of them while I was cutting and folding and taping. They are very special to me.

I miss Cheryl today. That is normal. I do not feel bad or sad or anxious or down. I miss her and her holiday enthusiasm.

(“Sometimes love does not look like what you had in mind.” – Anne Lamott)

Perhaps this is one of those days. Perhaps love will surprise me if I look for it in those around me. Perhaps it will wash over me if I let it. Perhaps.

Carpe the damn Diem!

This Christmas

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Christmas is Harder than I thought it would Be

It just is harder. Several times over the past few days I have been blindsided by my own emotions. A hymn in church, a song on the radio, a picture on the Frameo, a note in a Christmas card, any of these and all of these bring to mind memories of glad tidings gone by. If I am completely honest with myself, I started it.

A good friend asked what my favorite song/hymn was and I responded “Hallelujah” and could not immediately remember Leonard Cohen wrote it so many years ago. It was often used in the closing scenes of the show “Criminal Minds.” It is a haunting tune, at least it is to me. I think the rendition that is used on the show is the one by John Bon Jovi. I am unsure of that fact but it haunts me and reminds me of Cheryl and our younger times together.

When that happens I just let it roll over me. It is disappointing that Cheryl is no longer with me but we had a great life together. More than fifty years of love, children, busy, travel, learning, excitement, anguish, grace, parties, dinners, Christmases, Easters, egg hunts, summers and summer vacations, it was a wonderful time. We argued too but we never took that to bed with us. She supported me and I supported her.

Today as I put my last stamps on my Christmas messages I set Spotify to play “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. After that it wandered off to play a not so random collection of songs from various albums. Yusaf (Cat Stevens) started playing and suddenly I was 25 again. It is interesting to me how that happens. Cheryl has long hair and the kids are little. Yusaf is gray these days, as am I.

And though you want to last forever; You know you never will; (You know you never will); And the goodbye makes the journey harder still – Cat Stevens “Oh Very Young”

It is good to remember those times we had.

Time only moves forward. The Christmas greetings are in the mail.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve.

Carpe Diem!

‘tis the beginning of The Season

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The bear got his hat out yesterday. Maybe his friend the elf will show up and help celebrate soon.

On this day, however, this day before Thanksgiving Day I am thinking about our life, Cheryl’s and mine, and what a gift it was to us. Tomorrow is the day to count blessings and be thankful for what we have. For me I am also thankful for what we had.

I do not have Cheryl with me any longer but what I have instead is the knowledge that she is not suffering with Parkinson and dementia. I am thankful for that knowledge.

I do have three well educated and successful children who have built successful careers. All of the grandchildren in all of the families are healthy and happy. Some have moved into careers themselves. Some are still figuring it out for themselves but they are all self reliant. Their parents are excellent teachers. I am thankful for the family Cheryl and I made.

I do have my own health. My knees do not hurt constantly like other friends that I have. My hips do not hurt when I walk like others that I know. I was still able to hike four miles up and down the face of a wooded cliff-side in Kentucky. (My legs complained a bit afterward but the bourbon worked. I bought real hiking boots when I returned home.) In the summertime I spent many days riding 15 – 20 miles on my bike. (I am not fast but I can keep up 12 – 15 mph for long stretches. I am not in a hurry. I like to look around me while I ride.) I would like to lose a little weight but my physic will probably never be like what I was at twenty-five now that I am seventy-five. I am thankful for my health.

My sister and I have become much closer. Only she and I are left from our original family. She and I are both widowed and that is sad but it seems like we lean on each other a bit and that is helpful to both of us. I am very thankful for our relationship.

I am thankful for all the help we received from friends and family this past year as Cheryl’s health rapidly declined. I am thankful to all the kind folks at Bridgeway Pointe and Queen City Hospice that took care of Cheryl as she faded. Thank you all.

I am thankful for new friends and old friends who have helped me through the past year.

I am thankful for kindness in the world.

I am thankful that mom taught me a few basic cooking techniques when I was younger and I did not realize she was doing it.

I am thankful that I like to cook and that I like my own cooking. (See the physic comment above.)

I am thankful that things always seem to work out.

I am thankful that I am getting better at staying in the present and not experiencing anxiety for the future. This quote from Matthew pops into my head sometimes (it is true!) when I think about what comes next. [“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.”] I thank Cheryl for teaching me this concept of staying present and Mom for pointing out self-reliance goes hand in hand with that.

Mom left me with a gift that I will always be thankful for. I wrote this paragraph sometime ago:
At the very end of her life my mother awakened for a few minutes as I was sitting with her in her room at Bridgeway Pointe which is an assisted living community where she lived out the last fifteen months of her life. When I walked into her room Mom was quietly dozing in her bed. I sat in the usual chair I sat in and waited to see if she would awaken. It was after her dinner time and she often took a nap after dinner. After a few minutes, maybe half an hour, she woke up and looked over at me. She did not have her glasses on but she said, “Paul, is that you?” I replied, “Yes it’s me.” And then she said something that I was not expecting. She said, “Thank you for all your help.” After that she dozed off again. It was the last conversation I had with my mother. She passed away a couple days later. It still makes me cry.

I am thankful that I was helpful to Mom. She acknowledged that to me. All I could say to her was, “you’re welcome.” And I sat in her darkened room as she dozed off again.

We should always be thankful for what we have and what we have had and what we may be given. When someone is helpful to you, acknowledge it and say thanks to them. (Do not whine about it if they are unhelpful – reread the Matthew quote.)

Carpe Diem.

Listening Some More

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The holiday festivities are here. The Grief Share topic is “how to survive”. Last year was hard enough. Am I expecting it to be harder? I do not know.

This particular weekend has been and is still a busy one. For some simply being busy helps with grief and I suppose that may be true for me too. Fewer folks showed up for the holiday grief share program. Perhaps that is because they are busy with Thanksgiving planning. Perhaps many simply do not want to think about it. I was not thinking about it until the opportunity arose to attend this special group.

This will be the first Thanksgiving Day – which by the way is my favorite festivity – without Cheryl being physically here. Last year she was not mentally here. I do not expect to not be sad and I will not apologize for feeling that way.

When the carpet cleaner folks are finished today I will decide where to put the Christmas tree. And after I make that decision I will get it out of the box and put it up. I did not do that last year. Perhaps I will start a new tradition this year and place the tree in a different spot. Cheryl will argue with me in my head. I look forward to it (the arguing).

Do not be a curmudgeon, Paul. Try your best to be if not happy, at least, up beat. When we gather this year let’s talk about the good times. I remember a Christmas Eve a long time ago when she insisted that I open her gift to me after we had come home. I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep after a night of celebration and maybe a little too much alcohol. She had made me a shirt. She was so proud of it. Those are the experiences that I want to remember. (I do not remember what I gave her that year.) I was then and am still now impressed with her ability as a seamstress. That is only one of my favorite memories.

Another more recent memory from maybe three years ago, she said to me, “Get your music machine out and turn on Christmas music.” She means Alexa. I cringed when she told to do that. I think I grumped a little too and then I went to get the hockey puck I move around to listen to music. A Christmas song or two in among others is okay. WARM 98’s idea of solid Christmas music, old, new, good, bad, chipmunks, Benedictine monks, rock and roll, country-western, some group of nuns, Bing Crosby, etc. a few years ago lost me as a listener. That was not a big deal to them since I rarely listened to their station. Five weeks of Christmas music is agony to my ear. I feared the worst was going to happen – Christmas carols from Halloween to Christmas. There would be no “Monster Mash”. I said loudly, “Alexa, play Christmas music!” Off we went into the holiday season. Cheryl insisted on making cookies that day and I helped her. (I wish I was not so reluctant to do so that day but that day is history.)

Cheryl often told me a story about peeking through the keyhole of the doorway to the living room and seeing all the toys around the Christmas tree. The keyhole got dark and the door flew open. (Uh oh.) There is more to the story and I wrote it down somewhere. I may spend the rest of the day looking for where I put it.

  • Smile!

Be thankful for what you have been given! Carpe the Holidays and Carpe this Diem and all the rest you are given.

Carpe Diem.