Random Thoughts

Gamache (Louise Penny) and Croissants

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“Grief is love with no place to go.” says Armand to a young killer. Amazon Videos has made shows out of several of the stories written by some of my favorite authors.

Watching one of these videos the other night while waiting for my croissants to fluff up for the oven, this quote jumped out at me.

I think I am feeling that these days. Baking can be therapeutic. It is a hobby I have perused for many years. When My sister came to visit a couple weeks ago I made her pot roast one evening. It was great and I used the leftover mashed potatoes in a recipe I have for potato bread. That turned out great. Something I have not tried to do but I now have the time for is croissants and other pastry.

Yesterday I made some croissants. (Why is there two sses in croissant?) Here is a image of my first effort. I took them to Cheryl this morning but she was sleeping.

I also need more practice with the croissants. The other half of the croissant dough is resting in the freezer waiting for me to become inspired to try it again. I think maybe a hotter oven and proof the yeast a bit when I start the dough. The recipe I was following used wet (cake) yeast which I do not have. Perhaps further experimentation with technique. These two out of ten turned out okay – not bad for a first effort.

Holy cow they are rich. There is a whole pound of butter in this recipe.

Carpe Diem.

Admission Of…

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What is a good way for me personally to think about, meditate, ponder my own feelings and emotions as Cheryl adjusts to her new environment? I have expressed to others that this change in our lives seems harder on me than her. It is merely a perception but she has adapted and accepts her new digs as hers.

I admitted to myself a few days ago that I felt guilt and doubt about getting Cheryl into Bridgeway Pointe’s Memory care unit. I now think it was the best decision we could make for ourselves. Many people including the nursing staff at Bridgeway have asked me how I am doing.

Dealing with feelings of emptiness…

I feel empty. It is as though a death has occurred.

Every day, all day up until November 15, 2023 Cheryl occupied my waking thoughts. On November 14th she moved into Bridgeway Pointe’s Harbor section room 137. She did not leave my heart but she left. Things were still happening on the 14th but on the 15th when I woke up, I did not have to take care of anybody but me. My day was suddenly empty.

I went to get a haircut and get the oil changed in the car. Two things that I had put off because I either did not remember to do it until it was too late in the day or I could not focus on the day to day activities that one has to do to keep it all moving forward. As I drove off to do those chores I said to myself out loud in the car that I could do whatever today and one of those whatevers could be visit Cheryl.

I suddenly felt empty again. I really hate eating alone.

Connections to others…

For some time now I have focused all my energy on Cheryl and her needs. It is time to reconnect with other friends and acquaintances and lament the lack of a life long friendship with anyone other than my wife.

Perhaps it is time to make new friendships. Have lunch. Drink a beer or two and watch a football game.

Turned inward toward Cheryl for so long…

I was and am still so focused on Cheryl and assuring myself that she is happy and we cared for I was unable to accept the fact that others may be able to do better for her than I could.

I have visited with her each day since she moved in. There is actually nothing for me to do but visit. That is fine but she is off in her own thoughts and delusions most of the day. Once she told me that I needed to take care of myself. (She has little periods of lucidity.)

I cannot always distinguish between watery eyes and simple ego. Both make it hard to see. Ego takes a lot of side stepping to see around. It really blocks the view. Watery eyes distort the view much like looking through a piece of skrim.

What is next?

For now I will devote more time to my part time activity at Mason. There are many things that I want to make sure work correctly for the red level control activities.

I want to write about our experiences more. I may back away from my blog for a bit. Writing about Cheryl and her affect on my heart is still too much. It gives me watery eyes.

I want to set up a work area in my little office space. I have always been interested in electronic things and gadgets. I need to set up a space to do those things – whatever they are.

Today I made bread. Baking is a hobby. I will have to be careful since I am the only one to eat anything I bake. Perhaps I can find others to give my baking to and make a new connection.

Carpe Diem is a motto I need to apply to myself.

At Peace

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One evening this week our three children came over to discuss what is best for their mom. It is a hard discussion. Cheryl was part of it. As we came to understand and accept the few decisions about Cheryl’s future care, I sensed a peace, a calmness descend upon my soul. Cheryl needs more help than I can give her consistently. I do not function well with little sleep.

That meeting took place a couple days ago. It may be my imagination but I sense that Cheryl is slipping away. She slept unwell overnight which in and of itself is not unusual but today she is sleeping the day away.

Carpe the next Diem. This one appears to be lost.

Maybe my night is lost also.

Writing that last line has put me in mind of controlling the things I can and letting go of trying to control the things that I cannot.

Carpe tomorrow.

Life is Relentless

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There are so many things that cannot be ignored.

  • laundry
  • eating
  • cleaning
  • care giving
  • personal hygiene
  • taxes
  • utility bills
  • car repairs
  • joy and goodwill of others
  • entertainment
  • peaceful, restful sleep
  • health and healthcare
  • good coffee
  • visits with friends
  • learning to cook
  • how to tighten screws
  • learning new things every day
  • building maintenance and painting
  • love

There are many things that can be ignored.

  • political opinion
  • opinions of others about anything
  • judgmental people
  • messy desks
  • Facebook, X and other social media
  • Advertising and ads for drugs
  • Hurricanes in Ohio

Carpe Diem.

Time for a Change

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One of my favorite words is Luddite. It is a pejorative. Luddites are resistant to technology and change. Buddhism and Hinduism share the doctrine of Anicca or Anitya, that is “nothing lasts, everything is in constant state of change”. Imagine a Buddhist Luddite. There is a guy with a serious mental health issue.

Difficulties of life while supporting a person with any sort of chronic disease tempers one’s world view. I have come to decide that change in perspective is necessary for a healthy mind, a calm mind, a sane mind.

I have decided to make three changes in my day that I hope will adjust my personal perspective. In the morning spend an hour writing. It is quiet. Use the time wisely. In the morning spend fifteen minutes doing some exercise. In the evening read for an hour. Stephen King has a new book.

I do some of this currently. Generally I read for an hour or so before I go to bed but after I help Cheryl to bed. It is quiet in the late evening. Cheryl usually needs time to settle down. If I go to bed at the same time as her I tend to lie awake listening to her squirm and rub and pat the bed and generally fidget. Often while reading I find myself listening carefully to hear if she is moving. If this happens I realize that whatever reading material I have is not holding my interest and attention. It is time to sleep.

For awhile in the morning during the early summer I had a series of chair yoga (old out of shape people yoga) exercises that I did in the morning. The whole series took about 15 – 20 minutes. Somewhere in June I lost interest and quit but exercise is boring and doing exercise because someone told you it is good for you is uninspiring. I do not simply believe ideas that others expound. I look for some validity elsewhere first. Perhaps I need to mix it up and find my groove. I am still working on that aspect of it.

Write in the morning during the early hours while Cheryl is still sleeping. Make it a routine and perhaps I can finish my book. My it a routine and perhaps I can inspire myself. I have started three different book ideas. I have to select one and push it.

A fourth thing not mentioned above is go back to working with students in the program I am involved with at a local community college. It is a fact that communication with others without dementia can be a relief from the miscommunication that occurs in our every day life. Four hours is about long enough for me relax and not think about Cheryl. It is a break. I think I need that.

It is later in the year. The sun goes down earlier in the day. Cheryl’s brain wanders off into some odd places when it is winter gloomy outside. Our condominium is one the first floor of a two story building. We are in the back and the windows face east with a view of an overgrown woods. It can be a bleak landscape view in the winter. In the summer it fills in close enough that there is no view of the sunrise. Garages line the front so that there is no view to the front and the typically magnificent sunsets we can view from our hilltop. But it is a one floor plan which is perfect for Cheryl and her bad knees. it is, however, dark in the winter and on a cloudy summer day much like viewing the world through cataracts.

And there you have it, my first morning of writing and thinking.

Carpe Diem.

It’s Hot

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The weather weenies all recommend the same thing  – it is hot, stay home if you can. It is snowing, stay home if you can. It is raining, stay home if you can. There’s a new strain of Covid called ny.g.78.5-17 circulating, stay home if you can. Canada is on fire, stay home if you can. The Indians have landed a lunar lander on the south pole of the moon, stay home if you can. The head of the Wagner group got his plane shot  down, stay home if you can.

The Republican psuedo debate is on television tonight, stay home if you can.

A woman on the other side of the gas pump to me remarked they say the economy isn’t bad, making clear reference to the price on the pump. I thought, stay home if you can. I said, it’s hot though.

There are so many things for us to worry about, I am going to stay home if I can.

Hot outside, stay home if you can.

Carpe Diem.

What are My Goals?

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My sister said that maybe I should reevaluate my goals for Cheryl. I interpreted that as not specifically goals but what am willing and wanting to do for her care. Considering myself and my health in that same equation.

Hmm, lots to think about there. Recently I bought a new transfer chair to help me maneuver Cheryl around various places that I felt were too far for her to walk. My original thought was graduation and parties. We had some of those coming up.

It was a convenient method of transport so much so that I opted to take it to Florida on our little trip and not Cheryl’s super-walker from U-Step. In retrospect it was both a mistake and a smart move. I did take her “in house” walking frame. She had support at night and in our rental condo. A beach wheelchair was free for the asking we merely had to make a phone call to the life guards.

I pushed her across the street to get ice cream a couple times. that would have been a car trip if I had not had the transfer chair. — Convenient. Getting her into and out of the ladies handicap bathroom/stall — INConvenient. Live and learn mom used to say. We will keep using the transfer chair. It is how I get her out of bed to the toilet to the kitchen. It works great for that. I have not had any back issues. She does partially support herself.

I have started to think — actually I have for some time — I need to get my act together before I start helping her get her act together. In that instance I am not in a hurry for me and I can be calmer (I am still not good at that part.) at least while I am helping her. I have learned to anticipate her moves.

When we were at the neurologist earlier this week he asked if we would like to talk with a doctor associated with their practice that specializes in palliative care. We will see how this all plays out. Are we near the junction with another road?

Carpe Diem

81 Miles to Home

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In my former life as a teacher of control topics I had the students set up an electronic timer to reach its goal at 10 seconds and 30 seconds to teach the point when you are waiting 10 seconds to is a long time and 30 seconds is “forever “.

From my view in the back seat the miles to go display is not fast enough. What is it about progress displays that make us wish them to go faster? The electronic timer had no display. It also taught patience.

61 miles now. Urgency is calling me. We are close to home and I can feel stability and familiarity drawing me in. It was a great beach trip.

Black hat
Us beaching
Early morning beach
Setup
Patience almost done

Carpe patience Diem.

While Driving and Talking

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Last evening as we drove to our granddaughter’s high school graduation it became apparent to me that although Cheryl knew who I was she did not really know who I am. She started talking about events in the past that we had done or children and grandchildren, sometimes mixing those together. Her discussion might start out as Paul and I did this or Paul and I did that or Paul told me etc. It makes one wonder about the complexity of the human mind.

In one of these conversations, an incredibly lucid one, she said to me that she thought her Parkinson disease was getting worse. (AHA) She went on to say that her memory was very bad at times. I just took a deep breath and let her continue. She explained that she was having a harder and harder time remembering names and relationships (she said “who they belong to”) and that thought bothered her. Throughout the rest of the evening at the graduation ceremony, pictures in the courtyard outside the high school and on the way home, this failure to remember names and relationships was forefront on her mind.

This information is very important to Cheryl. Embarrassment or shyness keeps her from merely asking, “who are you?” I told her that she can always ask me who the other people are and I would tell if I knew. I am not shy. I merely say, I’m sorry I’ve lost your name in my head.

Most times these drive along conversations fall into the category of prattle and I can respond with, ugh-huh or yes that is probably true or I don’t know about that but, yesterday evening it was more serious than that. Last night it affected her sleep as she began to worry about how everyone fits together. She could not find those relationships in her head to her satisfaction. She spent the three hours from eleven PM to two AM speaking to herself in a low voice and fidgeting with her hands. Fidgeting often accompanies her discussions with herself as well as others.

There was a lot of hugging and reassurance that I would always help. She on the other hand is aware of her memories dissipating into the ether and it scares her.

Indeed, her disease is getting worse.

Living in the present is all that is left when one cannot plan ahead nor remember past experiences. Disappointment was rampant in our drive along yesterday. Regan’s graduation ceremony, however, was well orchestrated. She is on to the next thing. (Smartphones take really crappy long photos but here is some from the ceremony.)

Carpe Diem

The Meaning of it All

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This morning after Tony Decouple told us that they were following news of what could become news later today, I turned him off. Perhaps in the future Ronald and Donald will fight it out in the abortion war staged for prime time but how will that solve the debt crisis? A cacophony of unimportant drivel assails one’s ears on the commercial news broadcasts.

Social media is no more informative.

“That is ….. on so many different levels” – How does one interpret that omment? Tony knowingly nods his head and Nate agrees. Buy this thing through our Deals and keep miscellaneous stuff from falling in the crack between the console and the seat. Try not getting it out while the car is moving at fifty miles an hour. Why is there a crack? Remember bench seats? Romantic.

As humans we interpret what we hear against our education and prior knowledge. What is important to us may not be important to others. Unless we can construct a way to make it important to others.

Guns are bad. Guns are good. Mental health is bad. Mental health is good. Take this drug and remove fat. Take this drug to make type two diabetes to go away. Take this drug to combat the effects of taking that drug. Take this drug and be stronger, stiffer and last longer; this one is not advertised. Men just know about it. Take this drug and live nine months longer even though you will die anyway. There is a thought. We are all going to die. No one gets out of here alive.

Bent carrot disease has a patron. His name is Peyronie. Cancer has Hodgkin. Dementia has both Lewey and Alzheimer. Movement has Parkinson.

It is going to warm up to 80 degrees today but tomorrow it going to be much colder, only 72 degrees. Much colder is a modifier I probably would not have used but Tara, the weather interpreter, has to be heard above the other unimportant noise. Why have television stations devoted so much money and technology to something that is essentially a PowerPoint presentation?

I wonder how many people change their drive to work based on the traffic report? That used to come via a reporter in a helicopter who was barely able to talk over the top of the engine noise and the wop-wop of the blades. The internet has made so many things safer. No more flying in the fog. I am so glad Al invented the internet.

What does it all mean? A fusillade of information unimportant for living daily life bombards us all day long.

Is it meaningless?

Carpe Diem.