Random Thoughts

Too Much Money

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Some have too much money. A few days ago I found myself reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about a couple who had bought a “four hundred year old fixer upper” for a trivial sum of seven million dollars. I initially thought “good for them” they have enough money that they are not concerned about the 7 mill cost and the place may need another couple of millions to rehab and get it livable. It is the American dream. Money is fungible. Why not funge some of it into a building assembled in 1600 and something, own a piece of history.

Some have too much money. Remember the story about the needle eye and the camel?

A few days ago I rode to a restaurant on the river  bank with  a group of my in-laws. The conversation wandered around all over as it often does when I am with Cheryl’s youngest brother and the boat owner. Somehow Melinda Gates and her leaving the management of the Gates Foundation popped out of the rabbit hole and Ken asked what I thought about other folks just giving their money away. We never finished that thought because the restaurant was near and the crew (me) was in experienced. However later as I drove home I thought I care little about what others do with their money. I do not envy them. They have to figure out how to get though the eye of the needle without stepping in the camel dung.

Some with too much money buy 400 year old fixer uppers. Some donate vast sums to political campaigns. Some travel to exotic places. Some buy yachts and sail to distant shores merely to enjoy the wine. Some buy lots of wine and keep it in the basement (cellar) to drink later if they live long enough and remember which basement stores it. Some give their money to foundations to support a cause that they believe in whatever project that is. Scrooge McDuck used to sleep with his if I remember the comic correctly. It matters not how they spent their money.

I only care about my money. My hope is that It will run out about the same time I do. So far that seems to be working out on its own. There is a story about that in the Bible too.

When Cheryl was still with me, I thought if I could buy a cure for her damnable disease it would be worth every penny of savings to do that.

Do I think there are better things to do with 7 million dollars than buy a 400 year old fixer upper? I do but it is not my money so what I think matters not. Godspeed to them, I say.

I do miss Cheryl though, and all the money in the world will not bring her back and make her healthy.

Carpe Diem.

She Made Me think for a Bit

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Have you ever lived on your own before?, Natalie asked me. An innocent question on her part, I am pretty sure. We talk about sundry topics while she is cleaning. I appreciate the fact that she wants to know more about me. I think.

She made me think about it. The answer is no. I moved out of Mom and Dad’s house to our apartment in Oxford. Cheryl was slightly more experienced.

She was resident at the high school she attended but lived in a dormitory situation with many girls around her there. She lived at home in the summer. She had a tough guy for a dad who told the head of the novitiate program that when Cheryl was under her care she would do what she said and when Cheryl was home for the summer she would do whatever he said. That was after some discussion about dating boys.

Thanks, Bob.

Natalie’s question added nuance to my current situation. Another background spice that makes the flavor so new to me. I am 74. I have never in my entire life lived by myself. So far, it is not bad and yet it sucks too. Maybe I need a list.

PROSCONS
laundry can lay around until laterdo own laundry
cook own food – experimentcook own food
do whatever during day, no rulesno schedule, no rules
go wherever during dayable to eat ice cream for breakfast
get up whenever – early or latemake own bed
only thing holding me back is meonly thing holding me back is me
only consideration is mehome feels empty
I am sure there are more.

Maybe I do not need a list. Although a list does make me think of Cheryl and her lists. I have kept many that she made and put in her office when I cleaned it up.

There are pros and cons to those thoughts also.

Carpe Diem.

LRFZSUV

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What could it mean?

I followed this license plate to the place where I rode my bike yesterday. It went on but it stuck in my head because I followed it for several miles.

Last Real Fun Zanny Sport Utility Vehicle? It was on the back of a VW Tureg. So, maybe.

Perhaps it was only meant to have meaning to the driver. After all, she spent the extra money for the vanity plate.

I need more to do.

Carpe Diem.

Cheers

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I have a lot of extra time. Cheryl is being cared for at Bridgeway Pointe and I hunt for ways to fill my day. I take walks on good weather days, this is one of those. The Spring weather is warming. It is not warming fast enough for me. Every time I walk by my bike to get into the car to visit Cheryl I check the tires just because. My plan for the summer is to ride that bike as many days as I can fit into my open schedule.

This morning I was uninterested in the news of the day. Donald is going to badmouth Joe for eight more months. It is impossible to describe how uninterested I am with all of that. The primary in Ohio is March 19th. After that I will no longer hear about what stinkers Frank and Bernie are and the guy with the construction company may get to drive down and fix the wall. None of those guys are telling me what they plan to do make the world a better place. They are telling me what the other guy is incapable of doing. Politics is sport. Trash talk is here.

Losing interest in network television I woke up Prime video and eventually old TV shows appeared inside of the CBS app. Cheers is an old favorite. The theme song came on and took me back to long ago. Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? ….Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see our troubles are all the same.

I sat and watched the very first episode (I think) where the bar burns down at 2 AM in the morning after partying hard at a wedding. Afterward I told Alexa to find the theme song and it politely played that for me before switching to a collection of other TV show themes. Nostalgia on some days is good I think.

Stephen Curry was on the morning news yesterday for a bit. He wrote another children’s book. He commented that his theme is to leave the world a better place. I think that is a good life philosophy. I used to have as a goal to have the money run out about the time I did, but that is a low bar.

Perhaps, “Choose happiness and leave the world a better place than you found it. And when you start something, finish it.” is my new motto, philosophy, theme.

Spring is coming!

Carpe Diem!

—

Cheers Lyrics: Songwriters: Gary Portnoy / Judy Hart
… Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
… All those nights when you’ve got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it’s tail
And your third fiance didn’t show
… Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)
Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)
You wanna be where everybody knows your name
… Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead
The morning’s looking bright (the morning’s looking bright)
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn’t even write
And your husband wants to be a girl
Be glad there’s one place in the world
… Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna go where people know
People are all the same
You wanna go where everybody knows your name
… Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)

Dear Cheryl

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Dear Cheryl,

You know of course that you are the love of my life, the place where I am home.  I do not say this to you often enough. I am writing it here so that you can read it often if you want.

This morning when I came to you to be home and see how you were doing, Jennifer told me that you had no interest in getting up so after the bathroom she helped you back to bed. This is where you were when I came. I kissed you and you ignored me.  You were deeply sleeping. I sat and watched you breathe for a few minutes, hoping you would stir. You did not, so, I kissed you again and told you that I would return later.

Here I am again. It is almost three pm and you are still lights out. I talked to Mike in the hallway outside of the Harbor. He told me that you were still sleeping and he had taken your vital signs. He made a little joke about this being one of those days when you are not participating. He is such a gentle nurse.

As I was ending my conversation with him, I met Rosie Doud. You know, Bill Doud’s sister? She is staying at Bridgeway Pointe.

Even though Mike said you were sleeping, I came to watch you breathe. Maybe you will awaken later when Linda and Regan come. Maybe not. Obviously you need to sleep today. I am glad you did not need to doze yesterday afternoon. We held hands and you told me about something but I did not understand all of your words.

Sleep some more and I will check on you after supper.

I love you.

Paul

Poetry and Meaning

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This poem by Shel Silverstein is from an anthology of poems and cartoons published by him with the same name in the 1970s. I do not remember how we got it but I have several books of poetry. Poetry can tell a story, elicit emotion, evoke a memory or simply make one think.

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/shel_silverstein/poems/14836

Hauntingly to me it is a metaphor for life. I do not know where the smoke blows black and the dark street winds but every life has rough spots. Childhood is full of hope and dreams and looking towards a bright future free from cares.

But growth and maturity catches us and distracts us from ourselves. It adds fear, anxiety and worries about things over which we have no control.

Looking back from the end of the sidewalk one sees with great clarity the chalk marks where direction was changed forever.

Or Shel may have been writing with something totally different in mind.

Carpe Diem.

Turnovers

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As in turn over a new leaf or turn over you are snoring? Nope these are turnovers made with croissant dough, egg wash and, in this case, cherry pie filling left over from another project.

In my father’s family there was this undertone at family gatherings that one should eat dessert first because as we all know, “One cannot predict the time or place of one’s death.” That is for the big man upstairs.Recently I rediscovered my copy of “Baking with Julia” a cookbook in the same vein as her old shows where she demonstrates how to do things. This book is dedicated to bread and pastries. I tend to wander off and experiment with variations on a theme.

About two weeks ago feeling full of ennui I decided to follow the croissant dough recipe and make croissants. Buttery flaky pastry dough has been a mystery for me. I have made bread for many years and each time I do I am amazed at two things; why I continue to buy store bread from commercial bakeries and how long the commercial bakery bread will last while I am eating up the last of the loaf I previously baked.

Following Julia’s explicit detail I mixed up a simple sweet dough and placed it into the fridge overnight. With it I beat up a pound of butter (18 oz. actually) with some flour and shaped it into an oval shape about an inch think and placed it in the fridge overnight. This was a two day activity. Not as big of a time commitment as making sourdough but much more demanding physically and definitely more satisfying mentally.

The croissants tasted great but had no great beauty to them. I used part of the dough to create a fruit pocket style coffee cake but the dough was wrong for that. Danish dough is better for the fruit pocket.

The last of the dough I used to make turnovers. These are great. I rolled the last of the dough out into a 12 inch by 12 inch square, cut it into quarters and folded the dough over a glop of cherry pie filling. I glued the dough together with some egg wash and pressed the edges down with a fork. All are painted with egg wash before going into a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes. When they came out I drizzled them with Virginia Bakery roll icing which is just confectioners sugar with more sugar and a little water. These are good. I will do them again.

Carpe Diem, but do not forget to eat dessert first.

Gamache (Louise Penny) and Croissants

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“Grief is love with no place to go.” says Armand to a young killer. Amazon Videos has made shows out of several of the stories written by some of my favorite authors.

Watching one of these videos the other night while waiting for my croissants to fluff up for the oven, this quote jumped out at me.

I think I am feeling that these days. Baking can be therapeutic. It is a hobby I have perused for many years. When My sister came to visit a couple weeks ago I made her pot roast one evening. It was great and I used the leftover mashed potatoes in a recipe I have for potato bread. That turned out great. Something I have not tried to do but I now have the time for is croissants and other pastry.

Yesterday I made some croissants. (Why is there two sses in croissant?) Here is a image of my first effort. I took them to Cheryl this morning but she was sleeping.

I also need more practice with the croissants. The other half of the croissant dough is resting in the freezer waiting for me to become inspired to try it again. I think maybe a hotter oven and proof the yeast a bit when I start the dough. The recipe I was following used wet (cake) yeast which I do not have. Perhaps further experimentation with technique. These two out of ten turned out okay – not bad for a first effort.

Holy cow they are rich. There is a whole pound of butter in this recipe.

Carpe Diem.

Admission Of…

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What is a good way for me personally to think about, meditate, ponder my own feelings and emotions as Cheryl adjusts to her new environment? I have expressed to others that this change in our lives seems harder on me than her. It is merely a perception but she has adapted and accepts her new digs as hers.

I admitted to myself a few days ago that I felt guilt and doubt about getting Cheryl into Bridgeway Pointe’s Memory care unit. I now think it was the best decision we could make for ourselves. Many people including the nursing staff at Bridgeway have asked me how I am doing.

Dealing with feelings of emptiness…

I feel empty. It is as though a death has occurred.

Every day, all day up until November 15, 2023 Cheryl occupied my waking thoughts. On November 14th she moved into Bridgeway Pointe’s Harbor section room 137. She did not leave my heart but she left. Things were still happening on the 14th but on the 15th when I woke up, I did not have to take care of anybody but me. My day was suddenly empty.

I went to get a haircut and get the oil changed in the car. Two things that I had put off because I either did not remember to do it until it was too late in the day or I could not focus on the day to day activities that one has to do to keep it all moving forward. As I drove off to do those chores I said to myself out loud in the car that I could do whatever today and one of those whatevers could be visit Cheryl.

I suddenly felt empty again. I really hate eating alone.

Connections to others…

For some time now I have focused all my energy on Cheryl and her needs. It is time to reconnect with other friends and acquaintances and lament the lack of a life long friendship with anyone other than my wife.

Perhaps it is time to make new friendships. Have lunch. Drink a beer or two and watch a football game.

Turned inward toward Cheryl for so long…

I was and am still so focused on Cheryl and assuring myself that she is happy and we cared for I was unable to accept the fact that others may be able to do better for her than I could.

I have visited with her each day since she moved in. There is actually nothing for me to do but visit. That is fine but she is off in her own thoughts and delusions most of the day. Once she told me that I needed to take care of myself. (She has little periods of lucidity.)

I cannot always distinguish between watery eyes and simple ego. Both make it hard to see. Ego takes a lot of side stepping to see around. It really blocks the view. Watery eyes distort the view much like looking through a piece of skrim.

What is next?

For now I will devote more time to my part time activity at Mason. There are many things that I want to make sure work correctly for the red level control activities.

I want to write about our experiences more. I may back away from my blog for a bit. Writing about Cheryl and her affect on my heart is still too much. It gives me watery eyes.

I want to set up a work area in my little office space. I have always been interested in electronic things and gadgets. I need to set up a space to do those things – whatever they are.

Today I made bread. Baking is a hobby. I will have to be careful since I am the only one to eat anything I bake. Perhaps I can find others to give my baking to and make a new connection.

Carpe Diem is a motto I need to apply to myself.

At Peace

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One evening this week our three children came over to discuss what is best for their mom. It is a hard discussion. Cheryl was part of it. As we came to understand and accept the few decisions about Cheryl’s future care, I sensed a peace, a calmness descend upon my soul. Cheryl needs more help than I can give her consistently. I do not function well with little sleep.

That meeting took place a couple days ago. It may be my imagination but I sense that Cheryl is slipping away. She slept unwell overnight which in and of itself is not unusual but today she is sleeping the day away.

Carpe the next Diem. This one appears to be lost.

Maybe my night is lost also.

Writing that last line has put me in mind of controlling the things I can and letting go of trying to control the things that I cannot.

Carpe tomorrow.