health

Thankful

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This time of year I think of the things, people and situations in my life for whom and which I am thankful. The positives outweigh the negatives. Do this for yourself and assess were you are. (I am rarely thankful for negatives.)

People: (Be careful here. It is easy to miss someone.)

  • Anna & Eric & the kiddos
  • David & Melissa & the kiddos
  • Scott & Mavis & the kiddos
  • My sister Joyce
  • Debbie Joy
  • My cousin Bob (also Tom)
  • All the Nancys
  • Sr. Carren
  • Sr. Janet
  • The stock club guys
  • Grief Share support
  • Bea, Bev, Marg, Peggy, John and Peg and the back pew support crew

I stop after this list because the people who have saved me is too great for me to remember and the people who are so very special to me crowd my thoughts. It is remarkable that Cheryl is talking to me in my head; “you forgot… and what about…“ After three rounds of Grief Share group support I can hear her voice with almost perfect clarity. So, I tell her, “okay maybe I shouldn’t try to list everyone. You are right someone I missed will be sad I did not list them and they will think I forgot what they did for me.” She just said, “I am (right)!” I laughed out loud at her.

Things:

  • A place to live
  • Bike paths and a car big enough to put my bike into for travel.
  • No mortgage or loan payments
  • Enough cash to last until the end of me
  • Enough food and the ability to prepare it
  • Pie and coffee cake
  • Blueberry sorbet (I am listing the truly important things now.)
  • Also pecan pie. Mavis sent me her pecan bars recipe with the note that the filling makes THE BEST pecan pie. I have made it twice now and she is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

I am thankful that in our society I think I will get by with the means at hand. I am pretty sure I will get to the end of my life before I get to the end of my money. We (Cheryl and I) have always been fiscally frugal.) Tricky to do raising three kids but they all turned out perfect and these days their families are perfect. (I am thankful for them too.) I think the little pile of money Cheryl and I put together will last until the end of me.

Situations:

  • Good health
  • Bike paths and the ability to ride on them
  • Loving family
  • Wonderful friends
  • I have decided and have started the process of complete retirement. I hope to have enough time to pursue my own interests and hobbies without interruption of commitment not of my own decision.
  • Mental relief of making that decision and starting the process.
  • Wearing pajamas until noon

One of the reasons for retirement – maybe one of the best – is wearing pajamas until noon. On baking days and writing days I do this. No one is here except me. I do not concern myself with good looks when no one else is about. Lately there have been fewer writing days. My school schedule has picked up. All of that changes at the end of 2025 and I look forward to it.

Carpe Diem

‘tis the beginning of The Season

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The bear got his hat out yesterday. Maybe his friend the elf will show up and help celebrate soon.

On this day, however, this day before Thanksgiving Day I am thinking about our life, Cheryl’s and mine, and what a gift it was to us. Tomorrow is the day to count blessings and be thankful for what we have. For me I am also thankful for what we had.

I do not have Cheryl with me any longer but what I have instead is the knowledge that she is not suffering with Parkinson and dementia. I am thankful for that knowledge.

I do have three well educated and successful children who have built successful careers. All of the grandchildren in all of the families are healthy and happy. Some have moved into careers themselves. Some are still figuring it out for themselves but they are all self reliant. Their parents are excellent teachers. I am thankful for the family Cheryl and I made.

I do have my own health. My knees do not hurt constantly like other friends that I have. My hips do not hurt when I walk like others that I know. I was still able to hike four miles up and down the face of a wooded cliff-side in Kentucky. (My legs complained a bit afterward but the bourbon worked. I bought real hiking boots when I returned home.) In the summertime I spent many days riding 15 – 20 miles on my bike. (I am not fast but I can keep up 12 – 15 mph for long stretches. I am not in a hurry. I like to look around me while I ride.) I would like to lose a little weight but my physic will probably never be like what I was at twenty-five now that I am seventy-five. I am thankful for my health.

My sister and I have become much closer. Only she and I are left from our original family. She and I are both widowed and that is sad but it seems like we lean on each other a bit and that is helpful to both of us. I am very thankful for our relationship.

I am thankful for all the help we received from friends and family this past year as Cheryl’s health rapidly declined. I am thankful to all the kind folks at Bridgeway Pointe and Queen City Hospice that took care of Cheryl as she faded. Thank you all.

I am thankful for new friends and old friends who have helped me through the past year.

I am thankful for kindness in the world.

I am thankful that mom taught me a few basic cooking techniques when I was younger and I did not realize she was doing it.

I am thankful that I like to cook and that I like my own cooking. (See the physic comment above.)

I am thankful that things always seem to work out.

I am thankful that I am getting better at staying in the present and not experiencing anxiety for the future. This quote from Matthew pops into my head sometimes (it is true!) when I think about what comes next. [“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.”] I thank Cheryl for teaching me this concept of staying present and Mom for pointing out self-reliance goes hand in hand with that.

Mom left me with a gift that I will always be thankful for. I wrote this paragraph sometime ago:
At the very end of her life my mother awakened for a few minutes as I was sitting with her in her room at Bridgeway Pointe which is an assisted living community where she lived out the last fifteen months of her life. When I walked into her room Mom was quietly dozing in her bed. I sat in the usual chair I sat in and waited to see if she would awaken. It was after her dinner time and she often took a nap after dinner. After a few minutes, maybe half an hour, she woke up and looked over at me. She did not have her glasses on but she said, “Paul, is that you?” I replied, “Yes it’s me.” And then she said something that I was not expecting. She said, “Thank you for all your help.” After that she dozed off again. It was the last conversation I had with my mother. She passed away a couple days later. It still makes me cry.

I am thankful that I was helpful to Mom. She acknowledged that to me. All I could say to her was, “you’re welcome.” And I sat in her darkened room as she dozed off again.

We should always be thankful for what we have and what we have had and what we may be given. When someone is helpful to you, acknowledge it and say thanks to them. (Do not whine about it if they are unhelpful – reread the Matthew quote.)

Carpe Diem.

Patience, Persistence, Empathy, Enthusiasm

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These thoughts keep coming to me when I ride along the Little Miami Trail. Often I think of Cheryl and our life together. The end of it was less pleasant but I am glad for the grace that she taught me. I am glad to the life skills she taught me. I am glad for the short time that I had her in my life.

I am often impatient with myself. I suppose that is a common trait for a man. But when I put my mind in “bicycle” mode I have a calmness that enters my thoughts. It seems to appear as I load my bike onto the rack behind my car and as I attach and tighten all the carrier straps. It is funny in a way. It is like putting a small child into the car seat and checking to be sure all is secure. I squeeze its tires to see if more pressure is required. regardless of the squeeze test I attach my little battery powered air pump. Three different bikes need three different pressures. Each has different tires. Regardless of my thumb test, the gauge tells the tale, the air pump awakens and runs for a little bit every time.

On my way to the trailhead that I have picked for that day, I am okay with the anxious drivers wanting to get to their destination 30 seconds quicker. Their life may depend on it. I do not know nor am I concerned about their urgency. I find the parking lot and it is blissfully unattended. I assemble my kit to myself and remove my bike from the rack and ride off. A deep calm descends as I settle into the rhythm of the music I selected.

Persistence is keeping the drum beat going until the end. I listen to jazz these days. some old some new some new age. I like it all. It is not the music of my youth. It takes me away from the nostalgic sadness that dwells in my heart for Cheryl. It helps me to enjoy the surrounding nature. If I want to go fast there is a steady rhythm to help pedal along. Music helps the zen.

The zen feeling of lost in my own thoughts sends my mind elsewhere. Walking in someone else’s shoes for awhile and understanding their needs or trying to understand those needs is empathy. As I ride along I think more about Cheryl. I think of how much she would have enjoyed walking on this shady tree lined trail or the view of the river where I stop to look myself. I am riding a bike now but with her I would have been walking. I cover more ground on a bike by myself but we used to cover a lot of ground on foot.

Excitement about what your are going to do or what you are doing is enthusiasm. These days, without her, I am enthusiastic about bike riding. There is a peacefulness.

Cheryl

Apologies to you fast riders keeping your pace as I am lost in my thoughts.

Carpe Diem.

Strange New World

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It is a strange new experience for me this new existence without Cheryl. In order to fill a large part of the time void I have been riding my new bike around for exercise, but mostly, I am exploring bike paths that I have not ridden on before. Occasionally I ride on streets nearby but car drivers generally scare me. I am an old man and I have first hand experience with falling down. I imagine being knocked down by a car would be significantly worse.

I am sitting here in my living area next to Cheryl’s empty chair. between that chair and mine is an end table. It is one of a pair I built many years ago as an off the wall furniture building project I created for myself. There is no special significance to any of that except that one evening last summer Cheryl began to scratch off the coating of varnish that I had finished them with. Over a period of several days she picked at a nick on the edge of the table until she had exposed a flaw in the finish. She worked on that flaw until she had scratched an oval area about the size of a soup spoon. I may have been upset at the time but I distinctly remember thinking to myself, I can refinish the table later sometime.

I think I shall never do any refinishing on the table. It is such a strong image that I get when I look at this little marred spot. She was so very determined. Her only tool was her thumbnail.

As I ride my bike around I think of things like this. How memories can be remembered by an insignificant prompt like a scratch on a piece of furniture. Scratches give furniture life.

Yesterday I teased my neighbor to ride with me. He had expressed an interest before. Occasionally he tells me about seeing a used bike for sale somewhere. I bought a new bicycle and as a result have a spare. He told me he has not ridden a bike since grad school.

It was a good day to ride. It was relatively cool. It was mostly overcast. He could not find his helmet in the garage clutter. I told him we were going to a park and it was mostly flat. As long as he did not fall off, he would not need a helmet. It was my own little joke. Besides I continued, aim for the weeds if you are going to fall over.

We started by riding around the park loop which is a bit shy of two miles. I took him over to a connector that joined this loop to the nearby airport loop. I stopped at the bottom of a long gentle grade and asked if he wanted to continue. He said yes and off I went. At the top of the grade I stopped near a bench to drink some water and watch the airplanes for a bit. A little out of breath, he remarked that the grade was longer than he expected. I laughed and told him the reward for going up was coming back down. We continued on for a couple more miles of flatness and at another bench stopped and watched the planes some more.

We turned around and headed back to the car. When we got there he remarked that he had forgotten that he had hand brakes. His old bike had a coaster brake. It reminded me of another story.

Many years ago Cheryl and took a Road Scholar tour to Mackinac Island in northern Michigan. One afternoon that we had to ourselves we rented bicycles to ride around the island. I tried to get her on a tandem bike with me but she was not having it. We rented a couple of bikes that looked like old Schwinn bikes. Both had coaster brakes. I had not ridden a coaster brake bike since I was about ten years old. I was fine until we stopped at an ice cream place on the island to get a snack. I had a mild panic stop by dragging my feet. Cheryl however made a smooth controlled stop because the only kind of bike she had was one with a coaster brake.

Old furniture and conversation and bike riding remind me of life stories with Cheryl. I hope that it will always be that way.

It was a good day. We only rode for eight miles which is coincidentally the approximate distance around Mackinac Island. When I asked him today how his legs felt he replied fine, but I can still feel the bicycle seat. He used to come with Cheryl and me to pizza Tuesday. He is a good friend.

Yesterday, I left him hunting for his helmet in the organized clutter of his garage as I left to visit with my son. Perhaps when the bicycle seat impression fluffs back out and if he finds his helmet he will come again.

Carpe Diem.

The Bench is Back

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Wednesday as I rode my bike around my favorite path, the Lunken Airport loop, I noticed, was amazed and elated that the bench is back. This bench sits at the top of a paved path to a lot where many folks park their cars to walk or ride the loop around Lunken. The view is of the tarmac behind the old terminal that has been neglected by the city fathers and mothers on the council.

The bench disappeared for a while. I assumed falsely to be repaired. It looks no different. Perhaps someone stole this valuable piece of art and the parks department replaced it with another. (He thought, tongue in cheek.)

Cheryl and I often came here to eat at the Sky Galley restaurant in the terminal. It was a favorite of her mother when Elaine was alive. The bar was always full and the atmosphere was friendly. Private aircraft landed and the pilots and passengers stopped in to eat. The national guard guys would fly their helicopter over to train and get a bite to eat.

The Sky Galley is closed. The restroom facilities are part of the terminal building and not up to city code. Maybe there is another problem with a building – an art decco gem actually – that the city owns.

Riding around the loop I think of these things. Memories of bringing Cheryl and her mom here to eat. A couple times we met Elaine and Bob her for dinner when they were both alive. That was many years ago now. Those are all good memories.

It is sad that the city does not maintain gems such as this. Tempus fugit.

Carpe Diem.

Stream of Conscious – Touch

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Two days ago when I sat with Cheryl in the common area of where she is staying, I noted in my journal that she seems to need touch. I think I do too. On these occasions when she does not seem to be in the present, somewhere in her head she needs to feel, manipulate and touch.

It seems to me that these days Cheryl has to have more touch. That is just my thought in my observations when I see her. I am just sitting with her and seeing how she’s doing. But that is what I see and think. I think also that I need the same kind of touch. I sit there and turn the chair so that I can we can be side by side and I can hold her hand. Doing that action is important to me. I observed that about myself today. Today for awhile, about an hour or so, we sat holding both hands. She was holding my left hand with her left hand and I was holding her her right hand with my right hand and we sat that way for a long time.

I am writing this using an app that I downloaded that transcribes spoken words into printed words. I will see how that goes. It looks like I can write in a crude fashion. I can just send this text to myself via email and then paste it into a document and then spend some time trying to figure out exactly what I am trying to say.

It is hard to describe. What I see and and I mean as I think about what I am internalizing when I’m touching her or feeling as I am feeling her knee. Cheryl has gotten very skeletal over the past few weeks.

Even as she looked around at things in the room and told me some story that I could barely hear because her voice is so soft. There is a lot of ambient noise; television in the main room, television in one or two side rooms, Bluetooth music and the occasional phone call, she would simply just sit holding my hands. She was okay to sit that way. Every now and then I had to move my hand and scratch my nose or whatever and every now and then she would let go and you know touch something else or scratch her nose or whatever. It is fascinating to me as this goes on how much it is important for the both of us to touch each other.

The whole thing about touch is sort of interesting to me. I think we have always had that throughout our married life but as I as we get further in this Parkinson’s journey, the sense of touch is is important to me and I think I really do think it’s important to Cheryl. We are communicating our presence to each other through touch.

She does not resist it. She does resist things that that bother or sometimes hurt her. Her sense of pain can be strong. I am sure she feels pain because every now and then she says stop doing that, it hurts me or something like that, or maybe she’s having a cramp in her leg or whatever the deal is, but simple touch is very different. She will also grimace if something causes pain.

I have been exploring the nuances of touch in my head and I don’t really know how to describe differences of instance. It is interesting to me that it is important to her and me at the same time.

Now if she is sleeping or she’s very tired or trying to doze or she does not feel quite right or she is hungry or she needs to go to the toilet or needs to move, then touching gets in the way. When she was still home here with me, it seemed like we would fight (not the right word) when I was helping her with one of these activities. She would be dissatisfied with any any help that I would give her.

I sometimes just reached over to touch her leg to see whether or not there is anything left there. And I realize that I am holding on to her thigh bone, for example without hardly any any any meat. She used to be a much bigger woman. She used to be a lot fluffier. Just a year ago, I would have had a very hard time picking her up and holding her up and helping her into and out of bed. These days, in some book somewhere, I read somebody describe somebody as a bag of bones, that is a pretty good description of Cheryl. She still has a lot of muscle strength when she decides to squeeze and grab something, but she really doesn’t have a lot of mass. There is little subcutaneous fat left on her body and that too makes me want to touch her just simply so that I know in my own mind that she’s still there and she’s still alive. Without touching her she still in my heart. I think about her all the time but somehow there is a physicality that happens when when I actually touch her.

She is very skinny. Touching helps me to understand.

Carpe Diem.

I Wish I Could See Through Her Eyes

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Cheryl sees many shapes and things and people that I cannot. I wish I could see through her eyes just once in awhile. I might have a greater understanding and appreciation of what she is going through.

Yesterday as I left sitting at the table with another gentleman waiting for dinner, I suddenly realized that in many ways she is gone. It saddened me deeply and I cried a bit. She is staying at a memory care facility while I go to visit my sister across the country.

I am hoping for a great visit. We have not been together for two years.

Sleeping last night was very hard as I expected it to be. I thought about Cheryl and hoped she would not be too disoriented or afraid. She is more of both lately. Several times over the last couple of months she made reference to being gone. The first time I sat with her and listened. She was convinced she would not be available to have her hair cut in August. She is still here physically but her words are a mystery often. It is frustrating to her that she cannot find the names of her family and friends. It is frustrating to me that I cannot guess the correct words and help.

I hope she knows who I am when I get back. I wonder who will I be when I get back. But if not I will need to figure out a greater amount of care for her. A meditation for another day.

Carpe Diem.

Sunflower Day!

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It is the day of the Sunflower Rev it UP for Parkinson’s Walk/Run. Cheryl and I thank all who participated, donated and simply is there for Cheryl when she needs help.

It is not too late to donate: https://secure.qgiv.com/event/2sriufpw/ — Cheryl’s team name is SMILE. Because “Mom always told us to smile.” And how can you not smile after saying whoopadidee!

This year was the first year that Cheryl and I did not get up early and head down to the riverfront. Alas as her disease progresses it is not to be on some days. This was one of those. Thanks to all who participated.

SMILE – $2483.00 for UC Health Parkinson’s Research

Carpe Diem!

Time for a Change

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One of my favorite words is Luddite. It is a pejorative. Luddites are resistant to technology and change. Buddhism and Hinduism share the doctrine of Anicca or Anitya, that is “nothing lasts, everything is in constant state of change”. Imagine a Buddhist Luddite. There is a guy with a serious mental health issue.

Difficulties of life while supporting a person with any sort of chronic disease tempers one’s world view. I have come to decide that change in perspective is necessary for a healthy mind, a calm mind, a sane mind.

I have decided to make three changes in my day that I hope will adjust my personal perspective. In the morning spend an hour writing. It is quiet. Use the time wisely. In the morning spend fifteen minutes doing some exercise. In the evening read for an hour. Stephen King has a new book.

I do some of this currently. Generally I read for an hour or so before I go to bed but after I help Cheryl to bed. It is quiet in the late evening. Cheryl usually needs time to settle down. If I go to bed at the same time as her I tend to lie awake listening to her squirm and rub and pat the bed and generally fidget. Often while reading I find myself listening carefully to hear if she is moving. If this happens I realize that whatever reading material I have is not holding my interest and attention. It is time to sleep.

For awhile in the morning during the early summer I had a series of chair yoga (old out of shape people yoga) exercises that I did in the morning. The whole series took about 15 – 20 minutes. Somewhere in June I lost interest and quit but exercise is boring and doing exercise because someone told you it is good for you is uninspiring. I do not simply believe ideas that others expound. I look for some validity elsewhere first. Perhaps I need to mix it up and find my groove. I am still working on that aspect of it.

Write in the morning during the early hours while Cheryl is still sleeping. Make it a routine and perhaps I can finish my book. My it a routine and perhaps I can inspire myself. I have started three different book ideas. I have to select one and push it.

A fourth thing not mentioned above is go back to working with students in the program I am involved with at a local community college. It is a fact that communication with others without dementia can be a relief from the miscommunication that occurs in our every day life. Four hours is about long enough for me relax and not think about Cheryl. It is a break. I think I need that.

It is later in the year. The sun goes down earlier in the day. Cheryl’s brain wanders off into some odd places when it is winter gloomy outside. Our condominium is one the first floor of a two story building. We are in the back and the windows face east with a view of an overgrown woods. It can be a bleak landscape view in the winter. In the summer it fills in close enough that there is no view of the sunrise. Garages line the front so that there is no view to the front and the typically magnificent sunsets we can view from our hilltop. But it is a one floor plan which is perfect for Cheryl and her bad knees. it is, however, dark in the winter and on a cloudy summer day much like viewing the world through cataracts.

And there you have it, my first morning of writing and thinking.

Carpe Diem.

Doctors Week is Tiring

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This week for lack of a better description was doctors’ week. We saw both our personal care physician and Cheryl’s neurologist a movement disorders specialist. He made some minor adjustments in her meds schedule and added one new one to help with anxiety and perhaps some depression he detected by interviewing Cheryl.

Prior to these visits over the past couple days Cheryl slept poorly. This morning she is sleeping in. She was relieved last night when I helped to bed with the fact that we had nowhere to go today. We had no doctor visits. She did not have to be on her toes to answer questions about how she feels that could make her feel sad. I think she is very aware that she can cry easily and is unable to control that response. Her neurologist is very gentle and recognizes her disease’s progression in her body.

It was very hard to maintain her showtime persona yesterday and the day before. I am gladdened by the fact that it is over for a few months.

I helped her up out of bed and into the kitchen for breakfast but I was premature. She kept her eyes closed in the kitchen. She seemed uninterested in breakfast after all. I asked her if she wanted to sit in the lounge chair and doze for a bit. She did.

I talked to the physical therapy folk to schedule the PT recommended by her neurologist. Eventually she awakened as I put a pillow under her left side because she was drooping that way in the lounger.

I rolled her back to breakfast. She ate and looked at the paper. She did not work the puzzles.

I talked to my Portland sister. She often makes me rethink things. The doctor has diagnosed Cheryl with some mild anxiety and perhaps depression. The brain floats in a sea of proteins and chemicals. Parkinson messes with that. I do not always recognize my own needs as a care partner.

The next phase begins.

Carpe Diem.