Month: July 2025

On To…

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I originally wrote most of this in December of 2021. The lessons I learned and techniques I developed for communicating with my wife who was dealing with Parkinson disease and associated dementia are applicable today. The lessons of life are illusory and fade if not maintained.

I am learning things about myself from Debbie that I was only beginning to learn from Cheryl and taking care of her at the end of her life. Dementia is a misunderstanding between the brain and it surroundings and the sensors it uses to detect the environment. An oversimplification to say the least but a miscommunication certainly. Missed communication is at the heart of any conflict or dispute.

Lessons from making cookies

December, 2021: Cheryl’s Cookies (Not the Commercial Venture)…

Living with a parkie (person suffering from Parkinson’s disease) makes me alert to new information when it comes up. That being said I do not always recognize my new task nor do I always recognize the information as new. This is about becoming a master cookie maker on the fly. I was not completely inept. I make bread often.

Executive function and loss of it…

Dementia occurs in about 50% of Parkinson’s sufferers who have had it for some time. Mild cognitive impairment often shows up first, followed by hallucinations, delusions, misunderstanding, memory loss and inability to follow simple directions. It is disheartening. Some behaviors are side effects of medications. Some come with build up of unpronounceable proteins in the brain. No matter the source, the behavior can be disheartening and annoying from a care partner perspective because the person you once knew is physically there and mentally not completely there. From a care partner’s perspective it seems that the medical community does not forewarn anyone about this aspect of the disease.

I am a retired engineer and have an innate curiosity about everything around me. Cooking, baking, bread making and all things requiring an oven have a particular fascination. There is practical chemistry in cooking both with the ingredients and the people cooking them. To the question, why do it that way? Near the end, my wife’s reaction often was anger to some perceived slight or merely to the wording of it. (She is the parkie in this story but that may have little to do with it. I caulked most of these reactions to her PD and her mental state at the time.)

It is an engineer’s question. It starts with me. Words and question structure are important factors. Engineers always want to ask why something is done some way or simply is some way. Why often sounds like a challenge, even to other engineers, if it is not asked properly. Tenor is detected in tone of voice both in the sound we make with vocal chords and inside our own head. Cognitive impairment interferes with interpretation of subtleties of tenor and tone of voice.

How to do…

December, 2021: Our latest challenge to our marital bliss is Christmas cookies. Baking is a hobby and a passion to me. I like to think I have perfected my meager talent at making breads of various types and shapes. I am proud of that but lately I have pushing into cakes and pies. The pandemic pandemonium gets to us all in various ways.

My perception of making cookies is one of a trivial exercise in baking. That is an incorrect perspective but one that I have internalized. December is cookie making time. Cheryl is helping me or I am helping her that is unclear in this reminisce but her Parkinson is affecting her more and more. Two cooks in the kitchen is a recipe for a challenge to peaceful coexistence. Two bakers near an oven enables battle lines to be established and defended with vigor. Starting a question with why is akin to removing one’s glove and casting it upon the dueling ground. [Emoji (:-)] Cheryl has made perhaps a giga-dozen (I just made up that word) of cookies. I have made none. What can I say to redeem myself? Engineers ask why a lot and in this exercise I learn to find a more agreeable way to get her to tell me what she knows.

The lead-in; I do not understand, why do… seems to temper the why. Small children ask why a lot until finally the because-I-say-so comes out.

Where to start…

To a skilled cookie baker the recipe is merely a guide, a refresher, a list that says these get lemon zest. Interestingly, that is much like how I view a new bread recipe. I am on familiar territory. (He thought to himself with arrogance.)

Not so fast apprentice! Nearby there is a master cookie baker. Do not question the master’s skill at her craft with disdainful utterances such as, why and how come? All will be revealed. But also keep an eye on the recipe and make answers such as, yes, we have put that in the mix and suggestions, such as, shall I add the butter?

Sometimes with creeping dementia ingredients are forgotten. Sometimes without that factor ingredients are forgotten. Try to be kind and remember that no one got up in the morning thinking, how can I mess with his mind today? Most importantly, do not raise your voice two octaves, that is a dead giveaway to your ignorance.

How does one check for doneness? (It is common sense!) Look at them. (the “fool” is left unsaid.) They will look right. What is right? (and on and on and on…) Cooking is a process. It is learned by doing. Life is random. It is learned by experience.

The 3C method – Cut out the Crap in the Conversation…

To a person standing nearby this conversation sounds rude. It sounds like one person is giving another orders and it can be that way. If done with kindness in the communicator’s heart and with understanding that a Parkinson’s patient also may be dealing with confusion issues, it is neither rude nor demeaning in any way. Often a person experiencing Parkinson’s cannot or does not get the implication or inference. Be clear. Have kindness in your voice when speaking. No teasing.

When tasting the cookies later after they have cooled, do not say, “YOU FORGOT THE SALT!” Instead say “These seem off somehow. Did we forget an ingredient?” Gentle discussion allows for thoughtful assessment rather than confrontational reaction.

The onus is on the care partner not the parkie to be patient, kind and clear. Be aware, care partner, that this is hard to do because you remember how your partner/spouse/parent/friend was before. (Good natured teasing may be misinterpreted. Be certain that your partner is not confused.) You too can be unaware of how they are now. The Parkinson’s patient may become sad or angry. Be persistent if you as care partner are very concerned about safety. Add some love to the conversation if you think you are not getting through the confusion. Strive to not become frustrated and raise your voice (two octaves).

We did wind up with our first battle batch of cookies. Although they were a motley crew, they tasted fine.

This episode came to me as I was thinking about other experiences that have cropped up in my new relationship with Debbie and I am getting to know her family and friends. Patience, kindness and clearness are useful aspects of communication with anyone, especially someone you care for deeply. Debbie has told me several times that she does not always know when I am teasing her. Perhaps I should not do that at all. The ability to tease someone comes with trust and love and familiarity. Perhaps I should remember that I do not know what I do not know and err on the side of kindness and ease, not tease.

Everyday is a winding road. I get a little bit closer. – Sheryl Crow (Good poem/song – read the lyrics)

Carpe Diem.

moms and orbits

Orbits Metaphorically

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Earlier, when I got out of bed I thought to myself that this would be a good day to ride my bike. I will still do that but as I freshened up and ate breakfast and exchanged a few short text messages with Debbie I became more contemplative.

Today I write first, bike later. Originally when I started this essay I did not know where it was going. My mind went to the pleasantness of yesterday. Here comes a cosmic twist on family dynamics.

Yesterday was interesting. Debbie and I went to lunch and afterwards looked for a couple of books in the bookstore. Afterward I took her back home because she had another gathering to go to in the late afternoon. We spent about an hour or so in her living room talking with two of her children. It seems as though they’re becoming more comfortable with my presence. Her kids have her as the center of their life sphere. I suppose that’s both good and bad. She is the center of their existence, at least, these days anyway. The youngest one may have a hard time breaking free from orbit and the older one will probably be fine. It is merely that she is going through a rough patch in her life.

Life moves on. As parents we help where we can. It is much harder to back away when we need to. It is a delicate balance. It is a lot of little things. I can remember in my own life that my father was resistant to me buying lunch even though at the time he was retired and I was gainfully employed. In the particular instance I am thinking about I had to wrestle the check away from him. Later I let him pay. As often as I might visit mom and dad in their later years I was always their little boy. It seems to me that that never really changes.

Even now when I think about my life without Cheryl, without my parents, without my brother, without my youngest sister, it is easy for me to perceive of myself as someone smaller or younger than I actually am. When my Mom was at the end of her life sometimes she would say to me, I need a mother. I think it was her way of saying to me she didn’t really want to be in charge of it all anymore. That is a mother’s job being in charge of it all. Even when mothers do not think they are in charge, they are in charge. That must be why kids gravitate towards them even later in life when they are older in their 60s. Their 90 year old mother is still in charge. Mothers are the core of the family.

I am beginning to understand what Mom meant. Admitting to myself that I don’t know what I don’t know can be terrifying. When Mom was here I could ask her. Even today there are things that I wish I could ask her about. Some days I think I have forgotten how independent she made me. She was good at that.

And yesterday as I observed Debbie interacting with her kids I realized how good Debbie is at that. She is the center of their universe. Eventually everyone fires their engines up and leaves orbit.

The universe is unfolding as it should. It is a big scary place, made less so, so long as the home planet can be returned to for a visit.

Carpe Diem.

Curious about Technology

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I am and have been curious about technology development, control theory, computational machines, artificial intellects and all things associated with that last mispronouncement. The laptop I bought to write with has a confusing Windows 11 file structure and it has also a little symbol labeled Copilot. An MSN icon in the lower left corner of the screen tells me the weather when click on it. Additionally it tells me little random newsie teasers and various ads for items that I have looked at in the past online.

I believe this to be the actual real usefulness of AI, creating income and improving income streams from targeted advertising. Many others believe that AI will be the death of us as we fall for videos of peoples’ faces we admire pasted onto bodies of people we find despicable. I just do not think that to be a truism or even an alternative truth.

An advertisement for a pillowcase was shown to me when I clicked on the weather icon. Intrigued I began to read the ad. I could not get away from how AI-generated it read.

I asked Copilot – I am developing a new pillowcase. Help me write a story and develop advertising. It sent the following back to me:

🛏️ Sink into a story… where comfort becomes the main character.

🌟 Introducing: The Pillowcase That Changed Sleep Forever

In a world plagued by restless nights and scratchy fabrics, one inventor dared to dream differently. Frustrated by the endless cycle of discomfort, Johnathan—a sleep visionary—crafted what no tired soul thought possible: a pillowcase that wasn’t just soft, but revolutionary.

This isn’t your grandmother’s pillow slip. It’s a sleep sanctuary woven with breathable fibers and stitched with thoughtful design. Temperature-regulating, wrinkle-resistant, and impossibly gentle on skin and hair—this pillowcase redefines what bedtime can be.

But that’s just the beginning.

🎯 Whether you’re winding down after a long day, diving into your favorite book, or waking up feeling like royalty, this new style pillowcase turns every moment in bed into luxury. It’s not just an accessory—it’s the unsung hero of your nighttime routine. [That is quite compelling. At this point I want to know, how much?]

✨ Sleep better. Wake brighter. Dream deeper. [HOLY COW! LET ME GET SOME!]

Would you like this story to match a specific tone—like playful, sleek, or luxury chic? I can tailor it to fit your brand voice or even build out a whole campaign with slogans, product descriptions, and social media teasers. [YES. I typed. How about some slogans?]

Absolutely! Here are some punchy slogans to spark your pillowcase campaign, ranging from cozy and clever to sleek and stylish:

🛌 Comfy & Clever

  • “Dreams Start Here.”
  • “Softness That Sleeps With You.”
  • “The Pillowcase That Tucks You In.”
  • “Turn Down the Tossing & Turning.”
  • “Wake Up to Wow.”

👑 Luxury & Elegant

  • “Sleep, Styled.”
  • “Where Texture Meets Tranquility.”
  • “Because Your Skin Deserves Silk.”
  • “Rest Like Royalty.”
  • “Wrapped in Comfort. Waking in Bliss.”

✨ Modern & Bold

  • “Not Just a Pillowcase. A Sleep Revolution.”
  • “Feel the Difference Overnight.”
  • “Upgrade Your Dreams.”
  • “Sleep Smarter. Live Softer.”
  • “Designed for Dreamers.”

Want to play off a specific theme—like tech-forward, eco-friendly, or spa vibes? I can fine-tune the slogans to fit your style or brand tone.

[AND ON AND ON it goes. I could play this game all morning. Huh. It is noon already.]

Carpe Diem.

Exercise, Personality and Riding

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I suspect that few reading this will care much but I will tell you about it anyway. In a short little piece this morning on CBS, Tony talked about exercise and matching exercise to your personality. The researchers thought is that if you match your exercise to your personality trait(s) you are more likely to continue it whatever it is. In the Telegraph article that Tony was citing, they used the Big 5 model, a psychological framework, to find participants’ dominant personality traits.

I have been interested in psychology and personality for a long time. That interest was rekindled when I went for my M Ed. A few years ago. Hanging with Debbie has rekindled my interest again.

The Big Five model further divides each of the 5 into two as follows:

1) Conscientiousness – industriousness (a self-disciplined and efficient attitude) and orderliness (tidiness and a routine-based lifestyle). I make the bed every morning.

2) Extroversion – enthusiasm (friendly, sociable outlook) and assertiveness (an ambitious and socially dominant attitude) I greet total strangers with a smile.

3) Agreeableness – compassion (caring for and about others) and politeness. I care about how my kids are doing and I like to open the car door for Debbie.

4) Openness to experience – intellect (competence and quickness to understand) and general openness (a creative, imaginative and reflective outlook) Debbie and I have been to many different restaurants and are exploring various soft serve ice cream stands. We call them field trips.

5) Neuroticism – withdrawal (feeling discouraged and self-conscious) and volatility of mood. Sometimes in the afternoon I take a nap. Naps are healthy.

Two qualities, enthusiasm and positive thinking, in other words, scoring low on the withdrawal aspect of neuroticism were the key factors for happiness. The traits most strongly linked to numerous measures of well being include; life satisfaction, self-acceptance, and a sense of mastery and direction in life.

What’s this have to do with exercise? The study sample size was small. Less than 200 participated. In addition, only 70% or so of the initial group completed the follow up survey at the end. So proof! Any meaningful data dissipated rapidly but Tony talked about it anyway. His graphic showed a bicycle rider. The picture reminded me that it is my favorite exercise. I wondered if it fit my personality traits.

I became interested in this so I found the Frontiers in Psychology website and started looking for the article itself. I couldn’t really find the article but it was a very small study. I found this reference to it in the Guardian. I misheard Tony. It was a University College of London study of 132 folks who were invited to join in a survey. The article is humorous.

I still like to ride on the bike trail by myself. Others like to ride in groups. I listen to music or a book or a podcast or the birds while I ride along. I prefer the aloneness of riding. When I was caring for Cheryl it took me away from the heartache of that activity. The summer after she died, it took my heart to a different place much like meditation. This summer it is hot but it has developed into a hobby and an interest that simply gets me outdoors.

I do not think I am neurotic. (I hope the Guardian link works.)

Carpe Diem.

Stitching Together Financial Noise

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The world of business and markets and trade and economics and human behavior is and has been and will forever be a fascination to me.

From the WSJ: … One illusion that’s bursting is that Mr. Trump is imposing tariffs in the cause of free trade. He’s imposing tariffs because he likes them as an economic policy. … There’s a mood of triumphalism in MAGA circles because the sky didn’t fall after Mr. Trump announced the highest tariffs in memory on April 2. But he retreated from that fiasco after a financial market panic. (my bolding) Mr. Trump’s tariffs on present course would take $300 billion in border taxes from the productive economy this year, and he seems bent on going higher. That’s an anti-growth tax increase, and an arbitrary one…

To many, me included, $300 billion (with a “B”) seems like a lot but in the context of the deficit, a trivial sum. As a percentage it is not even a rounding error.

More from the NYT: …Economists expect the tariffs, which Mr. Trump sees as a way to revive American manufacturing and add revenue to the federal budget, will reduce U.S. imports. American companies, as well as their business partners abroad, would suffer lower profit margins as the government levies are split between consumers, importers and exporters. Firms would be left with less money to pay wages and invest in their growth.

There are two sides to every coin.

(6/6/25) Meanwhile, Trump Coin, the meme cryptocurrency backed by the president, was down 12% in afternoon trading. Today coin is trading for about $8.50 each.

What does any of this mean? The takeaway seems to be America is already great. There is no AGAIN needed. As capitalists extraordinaire we will bet on anything. The market for anything and everything exists. Follow your passion. Or simply keep your money in your pocket.

Recommended reading – “The World for Sale” available on Amazon.

Carpe Diem.

Connections and Disconnections

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Mike has passed away, as polite or timid people say. I did not know him well. We had mutual employment at an old line Cincinnati company many years ago. I ran into him later on in life at some family gathering. He was married to the sister of my sister-in-law through marriage to my deceased wife’s brother. A third order connection to be sure but nevertheless I had known him in life. And I had known that he was dying. His death was unreported through whatever little grapevine I have left.

I felt an odd feeling of disconnectedness.

A couple of years ago I learned of my aunt’s death from the U. S. postal service. Not in the way that you might imagine. The USPS told me by returning my Christmas card that I had sent the previous December. The card returned sometime in March.

I remember feeling not anger but a disconnectedness. Perhaps a year or two previously I had called the only number I had to report the death of my mother to her only surviving sister. Aunt Ruth’s daughter my cousin Jean answered the phone. We had not talked to each other since childhood so I explained who I was and what I wanted to tell Aunt Ruth. (Maybe I had a little anger. I reached out to the west to report Mom’s death.) It was about a year and a half later that the postal service made their report to me.

I have thought about this disconnectedness that occurs in families before. There are many causes; distance both physical and mental, disinterest, religion, age, death.

When Mom was still alive and still moving around pretty good, I asked if she would like to go visit her sister Ruth. Aunt Ruth lived in Las Cruses New Mexico and they had lived there for a long time. She had met my Uncle Dick when they were both in the service. Uncle Dick had, among other duties, flown helicopters in Vietnam. They settled in New Mexico after he left the service. Mom and Dad had visited with them in a past life after I had moved out of their house and moved into our house with Cheryl.

Mom entertained that idea for a minute or so and replied no. I said, “Mom, what if I called her on the phone?” No. I did not press the plan. (Disinterest, distance)

Family connection would have possibly helped with the feeling of disconnectedness that I felt when Aunt Ruth’s card returned. I doubt that I would have mailed a card had I known of her death.

Family connection would have gone a long way towards removing the embarrassing, to me anyway, question of; Hey! I knew Mike was very ill. Did he die? (Not asked very well but how does one ask such a sad question?)

For a few months off and on after Aunt Ruth’s card returned I questioned my sister and poked around on social media and other ways of searching out information that did not require joining 23andMe. I was looking for connection to Aunt Ruth’s remaining daughters, my cousins.

Although I did spend money with one of those find anybody anywhere services, nothing came of it other than me forgetting to unsignup after the free trial period. Unilateral family connection is tiring and the lopsidedness of it is not satisfying.

Our church gave away these Easter books to hopefully enliven the catholicity of the parishes as they grow smaller. I admit that I am not the best Catholic. I fact I think of myself as a kind of Buddhist catholic who selects much of the spirituality but is uninterested in the rigor and seemingly arbitrary structure. I am still searching. For what I am searching, I am unsure but hope and optimism are more satisfying than longing and despair. Yesterday this little tome revealed itself amid the pile of books near my nesting spot in the living area. I opened it in the middle at random and this heading, “Love Rearranges Our Priorities” said – Read me. Read me!

It starts this way, “Have you ever noticed that when people fall in love, their priorities change? If a close friend falls in love, you will probably notice that she has less time to spend with you because her priority is to spend more time with her love interest. It is not personal. It is natural and normal. Why? Love rearranges our priorities. And our priorities reveal who and what we love.” The rest of the paragraphs wander off and talk about more churchy ideas but this first paragraph describes the whole lesson – love arranges our priorities.

I think the disconnectedness I feel is more aptly described as love’s focus is forward toward new connections. My priority is my new connection with Debbie. (The physics metaphor is – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.) For every new connection there is a mostly equal disconnection. Or that is my newly philosophized personal canon. The rest of that thought is the mostly equal disconnection is unknown when the new connection is established. (I will need some time to wade though where those thoughts are taking me.)

Connections and interconnections within and without family groups are complicated. They are both weak and strong, sweet and savory, smooth and bumpy, happy and sad, multifaceted and lopsided. There is an odd disconnectedness feeling that I feel with Cheryl’s family. I feel a strong connectedness to my sister as we are the last of our core group. We are all very different in our abilities to connect and maintain those connections. I feel a strong connectedness with Debbie so much so that I ask her questions about her kiddos and her day and how she feels about this, what does she think about that. I have even reached out directly to her daughter (who is dealing with a never ending undiagnosable malady) for an update. That is either nosy or connection – the jury is still out.

Personal connection is not replaced by digital connection.

Looking forward and glancing in the rear view mirror is something I do consistently when I am riding my bicycle down the trail. It is or should be a metaphor for connecting down the trail of life.

Carpe Diem.