So Much is Repetitive

A few minutes ago she asked me, “Are you alright?” She is having a really slow day.

She did not sleep well. Stayed up “reading” until 12:30 – 12:45 AM. Jumped back out of bed at 3 AM after having soaked the bed in an incontinence episode that has not happened for quite awhile. After changing everything and everyone we got back to bed. I woke up at 7 AM or so. It is not an unfamiliar episode.

I got her up about 9:30 AM. We had planned to go out to lunch with a friend of hers but her friend is not feeling well and canceled.

By 10:30 AM Cheryl was no longer in a hurry to get dressed and moving. She took a shower. And the world slowed down.

I listened to a podcast called – “When Life Gives You Parkinson’s.” Now I want to find a chemical manufacturer and kick his ass. Or maybe a dry cleaner and do the same thing. Idiopathic my ass. Crap on a crutch. What are we doing to ourselves?

So, at 1 PM after I had gotten her a snack and her glasses and after she was telling me about some apparitional animal outside the back window and I was staring off into space with my thoughts about our future and my worry about getting more care for her she became suddenly lucid and asked, “Are you alright?” I replied, “yes, I am fine.”

That was a baldfaced lie. Pretty soon today I will take her to an ENT doctor to be sure that her hearing problems of late are not simply due to wax or some other problem.

No I am not okay. I worry more and more about how I can care for her. I have a call in to a social worker associated with her neurologist group.I need to talk about this to someone who might give me some guidance.

My heart is broken right now and I am tired. And just maybe I need a good night’s sleep. Little small steps are in the offing. It is scary.

Carpe Diem.

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