death

Astral Planes?

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I have been reading a lot about death lately. Looking for something else in my little office, I rediscovered a book by Robert Fulghum entitled From Beginning to End, the rituals of our lives. It seemed to fit with my overall end-of-life curiosity and reading I have pursued of late so I placed it on the table near where I often sit to read in the evening. I have not re-read it yet. I have many of his books. I may re-read all of them eventually.

I did not think much about death before these past few months. I am driven in this direction because Cheryl is gone. When she was alive either with me or comfortable in the memory care section of Bridgeway Pointe, I searched for information about her condition, how to help, how to react, how to, what if, generally I was hunting for the manual. I became very observant while she stayed at BP. The other day I looked back through my journal. I read this entry: “Thursday, April 18, 2024: (after several notes) – I think today I see that Cheryl is close to death. Her eyes are receding into their sockets. Often her right eye does not open. Her voice is almost gone. – (list of vital signs)” Reading this several months later brought me to the realization that I anticipated her death many days before it occurred. This notation was 3 days before.

Jodi Picoult in her novel The Book of Two Ways which is about an egyptologist turned end-of-life doula, the main character in her role as doula helps the dying to transition. She also helps the caregiver(s) after the death. Being an end-of-life doula is a real occupation. Had I known there existed people who did this sort of work I would have tracked one down to help me and Cheryl (but mostly me.) In the characters role as egyptologist she delves into ancient Egypt, their gods, belief structures and spells and rituals. In 1500 BCE these guys were concerned with the resurrection of the spiritual body and the immortality the soul. The rituals of helping the soul to transition into the after-world are captivating to me. I still hunt for the manual.

I want to know what is next. I write that thought with the realization that I cannot know what is next. Even so, right now, it is a strong desire. I found a book called “Life after Death”. My first thought was “Aha! There is a manual!”

Deepak Chopra in his book Life after Death writes, “Soul bonds occur on the astral plane just as they occur in the physical world. Relationships in the astral plane mean that you are vibrating in concert with someone else’s soul and therefore feel a heightened sense of love, unity and bliss. … When the disembodied soul tunes in to the frequency of a loved one back on the physical plane, that person may feel the presence of the departed…” I sure hope that is what is going on when I feel Cheryl near me.

I long to hear, strain to hear her voice. She knows what is after this physical life. It is very hard to hear what she is saying to me from that higher plane.

I have so many more questions. I could not ask Cheryl about what is next. I think she knew but was unable to tell me what she knew. It was not until after she left this plane of existence that I realized I still had questions. She gave me little hints. I did not recognize those for what they were. Many months before she left, she spoke to me about not being here for her next hair appointment. Her timing was off a little but I remember at the time thinking, you are wrong dear. Most smart men know that their wife is rarely wrong.

“… I went in seeking clarity

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountain
Yeah, we go to the Bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival, we stand up for the lookout

There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine …

Songwriters: Emily Ann Saliers / Amy Elizabeth Ray

Carpe Diem

Death and Other Thoughts

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I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about death lately. I imagine that that is not unusual given the fact that the love of my life and my closest friend died just a few weeks ago.

I just finished a memoir by Sloane Crosley entitled “Grief is for People”. In it she discusses her relationship with a good friend, mentor and boss. She delves into her own feelings of grief and emotion after his death. He commits a suicide one day that no one including his partner had any hint was in the offing. She is angry and sad and writes about her life experiences with him. Her candor and vivid description of social life and office life is compelling. She had left the publisher to follow other interests and others said to her but he was just your ex-boss, why are you so upset? She examines that question from all sides. Regardless of the manner of death it is a well written discussion of emotion and friendship and loss.

I think I fell into reading it to examine my own grief for the loss of Cheryl. This is one of the few times that I have selected a book entirely based on the title and read it through. It was not what I was expecting it to be. I am always hunting for the manual that goes with certain places, stages, phases of life. I have found none, so, one might think I would quit looking for the repair manual that goes with this or that stage, phase or place in life but hope springs eternal in my mind. I will continue to search for meaningful words from someone who went down the road before me.

This book did cause me to think about Cheryl and analyze my feelings and my grief for her death. I have come to believe it is impossible to fathom death as a concept. I am not anxious for mine. Cheryl’s dementia was such that she seemed unaware of hers.

In a Louise Penny novel somewhere is the line, “Grief is love with no place to go.” This comment probably from Gamache, her main character, is succinct and directly to the point. I wrote that down in my journal a few years ago. It seems to me that I have no place to send my love for her and that is what makes it so difficult to accept.

Death is a normal and natural event. It can also be an abnormal and unnatural event. In either case it is death. Those of us left behind must find a new place for our love.

Carpe Diem.

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY: The ability of so many people to live comfortably with the idea of capital punishment is perhaps a clue to how so many Europeans were able to live with the idea of the Holocaust: Once you accept the notion that the state has the right to kill someone and the right to define what is a capital crime, aren’t you halfway there? -Roger Ebert, film critic (18 Jun 1942-2013)

Concerned about What is Unknown

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I just heard. Are YOU doing okay?

That question annoys me when coming from anyone other than close friends or family. My first thought is to say, of course I am not okay, you dumb shit. My wife, the love of my life, the person that makes me whole,  the place where I am home has gone to heaven and left me here to deal with the dumb shit questions about how I am doing. But, I do not respond that way. I merely respond with, I am okay most days.

That truth is how I think about it. Some times I am saddened when I think of Cheryl, however, most of the time I am happy for her. She was very ill. It would be better maybe great if she was still alive but not with the health situation she was in. She was sick. She was eating so little her body was consuming itself to stay alive. And although I feel guilty about admitting it, I am happy she died. She truly is in a better place. No bullshit about it. She knew she was dying for awhile. She told me about it a few months before her actual death.

We do not talk about death as a society. Christians believe in an afterwards. When this is done there is more and it is better. Other religions have similar beliefs. I personally am not so sure. (If it’s better afterwards why is it a sin to commit suicide?) Maybe Ronny Reagan is right. But what if he is not? Lots of philosophical ideas there. Plenty to think about.

Cheryl and I talked about it a couple of years ago. I think that it occurred to her that she needed to make her wishes known to me so that I could do it for her. After death discussions with Mom, it was not so upsetting to talk about it all with my wife. Cheryl was focused on the actual service. I was focused on the practicalities of burial and cremation. At the time she still had long periods of almost normal cognition and she recognized that it was lessening. Imagine how scary and upsetting that would have been to her. She never offloaded any of her personal grief about her disease on me. Looking back it was another kindness that she used to protect her family from sadness.

I wish I had spent more time with Cheryl talking about hymns and prayers. She cared greatly about the service. I wanted to ask her things when we had the meeting to discuss what and who. The kids were great. They knew Cheryl’s wishes. I suppose she was talking to them as well as me.

I started this thinking about how annoyed I am with the question about how I am doing. Cheryl just told me to be kind.  Most folks do not know what to say or how to respond to news about death. Mostly they are thinking, man, it must be hard. And it is but my perspective is different and I am doing okay mostly.

Michele Obama’s mother passed away recently. She was 86. No cause for her death was given. (said a stupid news reader.) Why is a cause important? Is there a solution to old age other than death?

Carpe this Diem and the rest that you are given.