My sister-in-law, Nancy, is one of the very few people that I have met in life who impresses me with her life. By that I mean she is a person who has influenced, encouraged and helped others and, more importantly, she causes me to ponder, study and reflect on many issues for which she is passionate in her support. In a recent admonishment on Facebook she gave me an idea to ponder research and discover from whatever source — the GOOD things that our current President, Donald J. Trump has accomplished and stop focusing on the bad things. So, rather than dismissing her comments (below) as a simple tirade, I use it as a departure point for attempting to understand her point of view.

–> Your term “hijacking the Republican primary” is hurtful and dismissive of the millions of Conservatives, like me, who voted to save our country from destruction. In my opinion, he was and IS the only person for the job! Hannity does not claim to be entertainment and he is not my favorite….try The Next Revolution’s Steve Hilton? Hannity does have an agenda, again, saving our country from destruction, aka the lies and corruption on the left AND in government/the SWAMP in general. He is there to keep our spirits up as the liberal left tries all day, every day, to beat Conservatives down. “Justice” has favored Dems for too long! It is supposed to be BLIND! And, sadly, The media is no longer there to report the news, most are there to get out their narratives. It would be helpful if smart folks like you tried looking into ALL of the GOOD that our President has done and stop dwelling on and perpetuating hate just because you don’t like someone’s personality?! The View, and all of us would be better served if we stopped the hateful, hurtful comments and looked for the GOOD. Our President LOVES our country and came from the business world and the entertainment world so some of his braggadocious (sic) personality came from that. We are all products of our upbringing and do our best to change and grow into the lives we are living now. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Praying for PEACE 🙏🙏😊

This small article will make reference to others that I have read in my research. I will show the link to these references and I hope that the links will still be active to anyone who reads this. If they are not, I apologize. Their are a lot of articles in many different publications. The first article (opinion piece) by Marc Theissen repeats in many daily newspapers as he is a syndicated columnist. By the way — the web address of the article referenced is in BOLD.

Since the comments were made on Facebook a social media website initial research was completed (but maybe not) by using various search phrases in Google; “What good things has Donald Trump accomplished as President?” was my initial search question. This of course elicited many of the same response because, I think, FOX & Friends stick together and repeat the same information over and over. Many of these including Kellyann’s list from WhitehouseDotGov are shown below with links.

I read a lot, especially about business ideas and what is new and what is affecting the markets and so on. Over time, through the blather I have collected some of my own list. All of us have our own reality based on our own perceptions, a solipsistic philosophy which is all our own.

Marc Thiessen’s answer is 10 from here (the list is almost a year old) – https://beta.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-10-best-things-trump-has-done-in-2018/2018/12/31/a2de64b6-0d1b-11e9-84fc-d58c33d6c8c7_story.html?noredirect=on — admittedly it is an opinion piece but Marc Thiessen is on FOX News a lot so his opinion good or bad right or wrong appeals to conservative thought. He admits that his numbering scheme is arbitrary. And, Marc does not write “good”, he writes “best”.

10. He has secured the release of 19 people, including 16 Americans, from foreign captivity.

9. He delivered for the “forgotten Americans.” this is a reference to job creation

8. He worked with Democrats and Republicans to pass important legislation.

7. He has ushered in a golden age for women in the CIA.

6. His push to expand domestic energy production bore fruit.

5. In the six months after the Singapore summit with North Korea, he has made no concessions to Pyongyang.

4. He struck Syria again and eliminated the last vestiges of the Islamic State’s physical caliphate.

3. He’s continued his tough line with Moscow.

2. He pulled out of Obama’s disastrous Iran deal and reimposed crippling sanctions on Tehran.

1. He stood by Brett M. Kavanaugh and even in the worst moments never wavered.

Marc also says — That is a strong record of success. We’ll review the 10 worst things Trump has done in the next column. So, in the interest of presenting both sides his next talking points are shown below. Ten worst are here: https://beta.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-10-worst-things-trump-did-in-2018/2019/01/02/f4025456-0eb0-11e9-84fc-d58c33d6c8c7_story.html

10. His comment about “shithole” countries blew up negotiations for a deal that would have given Trump his border wall.

9. His offensive tweets continued to undermine his presidency.

8. His misuse of power turned critics into martyrs.

7. He drove away suburban voters and caused the GOP to lose control of the House.

6. His graceless handling of Sen. John McCain’s funeral was a new low.

5. His handling of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder harmed America’s moral standing.

4. His news conference with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki was an embarrassment.

3. His policy to separate migrant children from their families at the southern border was an avoidable tragedy.

2. His planned withdrawal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan is a gift to the Taliban and al-Qaeda.

1. His pullout of all U.S. troops in Syria will take America’s boot off of the terrorists’ necks. (He hasn’t done this yet. Mattis left prematurely.)

Marc continues with — It is notable that, with the exception of troop withdrawals and family separations, most of the items on this list were transgressions of style rather than substance. With the mute button on, the Trump presidency is pretty good from a conservative policy perspective. And yet Trump’s approval rating at year’s end is just 39 percent — because most Americans don’t follow politics with the sound off.

The Atlantic is a magazine that I do not subscribe to but I read articles from online from time to time. Most magazines of this type will allow you to read so many articles per month (4 or 5 typically). At this place on the web they have pointed to many articles about things – good and bad – that Pres. Trump has accomplished. https://www.theatlantic.com/unthinkable/ Below are the Atlantic’s editor in chief’s words.

50 Moments That Define an Improbable Presidency

Jeffrey Goldberg Editor in chief of The Atlantic

Trump Administration Accomplishments from Whitehouse.gov

• Almost 4 million jobs created since election.
• More Americans are now employed than ever recorded before in our history.
• We have created more than 400,000 manufacturing jobs since my election.
• Manufacturing jobs growing at the fastest rate in more than THREE DECADES.
• Economic growth last quarter hit 4.2 percent.
• New unemployment claims recently hit a 49-year low.
• Median household income has hit highest level ever recorded.
• African-American unemployment has recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded.
• Hispanic-American unemployment is at the lowest rate ever recorded.
• Asian-American unemployment recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded.
• Women’s unemployment recently reached the lowest rate in 65 years.
• Youth unemployment has recently hit the lowest rate in nearly half a century.
• Lowest unemployment rate ever recorded for Americans without a high school diploma.
• Under my Administration, veterans’ unemployment recently reached its lowest rate in nearly 20 years.
• Almost 3.9 million Americans have been lifted off food stamps since the election.
• The Pledge to America’s Workers has resulted in employers committing to train more than 4 million Americans. We are committed to VOCATIONAL education.
• 95 percent of U.S. manufacturers are optimistic about the future—the highest ever.
• Retail sales surged last month, up another 6 percent over last year.
• Signed the biggest package of tax cuts and reforms in history. After tax cuts, over $300 billion poured back in to the U.S. in the first quarter alone.
• As a result of our tax bill, small businesses will have the lowest top marginal tax rate in more than 80 years.
• Helped win U.S. bid for the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.
• Helped win U.S.-Mexico-Canada’s united bid for 2026 World Cup.
• Opened ANWR and approved Keystone XL and Dakota Access Pipelines.
• Record number of regulations eliminated.
• Enacted regulatory relief for community banks and credit unions.
• Obamacare individual mandate penalty GONE.
• My Administration is providing more affordable healthcare options for Americans through association health plans and short-term duration plans.
• Last month, the FDA approved more affordable generic drugs than ever before in history. And thanks to our efforts, many drug companies are freezing or reversing planned price increases.
• We reformed the Medicare program to stop hospitals from overcharging low-income seniors on their drugs—saving seniors hundreds of millions of dollars this year alone.
• Signed Right-To-Try legislation.
• Secured $6 billion in NEW funding to fight the opioid epidemic.
• We have reduced high-dose opioid prescriptions by 16 percent during my first year in office.
• Signed VA Choice Act and VA Accountability Act, expanded VA telehealth services, walk-in-clinics, and same-day urgent primary and mental health care.
• Increased our coal exports by 60 percent; U.S. oil production recently reached all-time high.
• United States is a net natural gas exporter for the first time since 1957.
• Withdrew the United States from the job-killing Paris Climate Accord.
• Cancelled the illegal, anti-coal, so-called Clean Power Plan.
• Secured record $700 billion in military funding; $716 billion next year.
• NATO allies are spending $69 billion more on defense since 2016.
• Process has begun to make the Space Force the 6th branch of the Armed Forces.
• Confirmed more circuit court judges than any other new administration.
• Confirmed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and nominated Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
• Withdrew from the horrible, one-sided Iran Deal.
• Moved U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem.
• Protecting Americans from terrorists with the Travel Ban, upheld by Supreme Court.
• Issued Executive Order to keep open Guantanamo Bay.
• Concluded a historic U.S.-Mexico Trade Deal to replace NAFTA. And negotiations with Canada are underway as we speak.
• Reached a breakthrough agreement with the E.U. to increase U.S. exports.
• Imposed tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum to protect our national security.
• Imposed tariffs on China in response to China’s forced technology transfer, intellectual property theft, and their chronically abusive trade practices.
• Net exports are on track to increase by $59 billion this year.
• Improved vetting and screening for refugees, and switched focus to overseas resettlement.
• We have begun BUILDING THE WALL. Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME.

There is more but probably not from me. I care not what the Donald does. My total focus is on the person who lives with me and her disease and how I can better serve her needs. Stay tuned, there will be more theatrics from the White House and the reporters of the White House and to me it matters not.

With Parkinson’s disease it’s hard to discern what’s a disease thing, what’s an old-age thing, what’s a medication thing or is that a thing that’s always been there but now it’s more noticeable because I’m paying closer attention. I am unsure of these categories and unsure whether it is important or even significant to categorize various symptoms and features of this sometimes gone, sometimes debilitating disease.

New mental behaviors – vocal dreams, location confusion, physical dreams (not somnambulism), sense of an extra person or persons in the house, cognitive failure, short term memory impairment, minor mania, circular thinking, anxiety about imminent events, extra drama, heightened emotion, strong nostalgia.

New physical behaviors – inability to easily rise from a sitting to standing position, balance control, shuffled walk, a hard to describe fidgety motion while concentrating on another tv show or other activity, spontaneous loss of consciousness, sudden loss of stamina, chest tightness, mild nausea.

New combinational behaviors – incontinence anxiety, visual acuity and reaction to perceived emergency, thought vocalization, spontaneous tears.

Vocal dreams started early after Cheryl was initially given Sinemet as a treatment for PD. It is and old drug combination that dates from the 1960’s. I do not think she talked in her sleep before this prescription was given to her about 12 years ago. If she did it was not common or memorable. Her brother was somnambulant and she tells stories about him as a child walking about. Doctors seem to place importance on various family traits, so, Cheryl may be genetically predisposed to talking in her sleep. The Sinemet seems to have heightened this effect.

On rarer occasions she will act out the dream in bed. We sleep in a queen size bed and she will poke or push at me if that is what her dream requires. She can not recall her dream even if I awaken her from it.

The reference made to thought vocalizations is interesting to see.

Cheryl started sensing others in the room after we down sized into a 3 bedroom condo. It is a two story building and there are other residents above us that can be heard upon occasion. So, it is my guess that her brain is interpreting these occasional noises as someone else is here. Reasoning with her about it does not remain in her memory even though we have discussed this several times. We previously lived in a big old house with it’s own creaks and groans. She never reported sensing others around.

Cognitive decline is slow. Often she seems to get stuck. Which sends her into a “circular thinking ” mode that can be hard to break out of. A typical example; she has through 49 years or so of marriage been the family accounts manager. Plans a monthly budget, balances the checking account, an absolute hawk on credit card purchases. I have misplaced receipts in the past, never again. She is good at it. I think it is enjoyable to her. Recently she forgot to note an ATM withdrawal in the check register and additionally she noted an ATM deposit twice. The combination of these two errors got her “stuck” and launched her into a circular review of her entries for days (evenings actually) until I got her to tell me what she was in a panic about. I use the term “circular” because she wound find one error and lose it before finding the other. Around and around for several days.

Forgetfulness is a mishmash of things. Not finding the right word. Saying a word that means the opposite. Or simply forgetting what we were talking about 5 minutes ago, so, we have to repeat it. For me, her husband and caregiver, its exasperating. I keep plugging ahead.

Oh, by the way, Parkinson’s disease sucks. Big time!

I learned a lot of bad habits from Mom. I learned many good habits from Mom. I learned a lot of odd methods from Mom. I learned a lot of non-methods from Mom. I learned good versions of all of these too. But mostly I learned stuff.

Moms are great for that – teaching stuff to you, the kids. Even if you did not want to know about it, you were getting the lecture anyway. I smile as I write this because it makes me smile.

Mom is a horizontal filer.

Paper in various forms, newspaper, magazines, bills, flyers, catalogs, birthday cards, etc. comes into every dwelling constantly. In Mom’s case no filter or system of triage is applied when the paper arrives. All is placed indiscriminately and horizontally onto a near at hand flat surface. Usually this is a table. This table may be in the kitchen, dining room or living room. There is no specification other than the surface is to be horizontal and 20 – 30 inches off the floor.

This format was the predominant filing format of any and all paper that entered the house. Of course some paper comes into view at special times and due to this timing achieves special status for a short period. Newspapers are of this ilk arriving as they do at specific times of the day and requiring only a temporary attention.

As paper accumulates of course it becomes necessary to deal with the encroachment into other spaces used for eating, crafts, writing and other activities. This requires a neatenment activity. Paper is stacked. Sometimes it is also sorted by size. Occasionally it is filtered by importance into loose categories; bills and flyers and ads, bills and charitable appeals, stuff that is neither of these, magazines, catalogs too small to stack properly, other.

None of this paper is of long term interest other than invoices. Eventually these are sorted and selected for payment.

This may seem a disorganized arrangement. Consider the alternative stress inducing method of filtering and sorting every piece of mail as it enters the house. I have modified the method slightly by applying certain detection techniques to the mail stream and collecting billing notices into their own stack. No other sort is applied to the pile of paper beyond that.

I think Mom taught me this same method by observation. Children spend a lot of time watching their parents every move. My personal area in this living space looks much like Andy Rooney’s office. Perhaps Andy’s mom was a horizontal filer.

Mom is a down-sizer.

As we age we forget that we are not twenty years old anymore. I have noticed this creeping into my own life as I get older.

Recently my wife and I summoned up the courage to make a change in our lives that we believe will enhance our future (golden) years. We spent 35 years of our life in a five bedroom house with a 200 square foot eat-in kitchen and an even larger dining area for big family gatherings. We have had as many as 50 people in the first floor at one time although not seated around the same table. The house is wonderful. Built in the very early part of the twentieth century. In a perfect neighborhood to raise children. I don’t think either of us thought much about leaving until we seriously started to actually do it.

Mom and Dad did the same thing in about the same time in their lives. It is remarkable to me how similar these two moves are. Single floor plan, three bedrooms, two baths. Garage. Smaller space. No basement.

So, after thinking and discussing this for approximately a year we moved. Most everything is stored, sorted, poured over and away somewhere. Done. The deed is done. On to the next new adventure!

Another observational lesson.

In her later years Mom’s mind flits from thought to nuance to detail to expected failure to indecision to stasis.

Focus is harder as I get older. This observation I wrote about Mom but in the retrospective of several months (now years) time I notice this in myself. Dang! Maybe I’ve been doing this all along. Alas.

It could be that the way to combat this activity is to do what it is that is thought of as a good idea at the time without regard expected failure. Be adventurous. See how it turns out. Why not? What the hell! Live a little.

Another aspect of this is the nagging feeling in the background that Cheryl is getting more frail as we age together and her Parkinson’s takes up more of her effort. I need to do two things: not dwell on this greatly, and, in fact, push her to keep going; be perceptive enough to recognize when this isn’t working and back off. Tricky.

The lesson here may not be as apparent as it ought to be. We are only here for a short time. All the major religions teach this. We should be satisfied with that time that we are here. But while we are here why not make the most of it? Pursue your passion. Live a little.

Mom believes in perceived authority.

The news is a perceived authority, at least, if it comes from a major news outlet. The church is not. Advertising, against the background of a major news outlet, is a perceived authority. Religion is not.

New drugs are hyped by the makers of them (a perceived authority). Too fat? Take this. Too tired? Take this. Life is getting shorter? Take this. Can’t get it up anymore? Take this.

If you read it in “The Sun”…

Doctors know everything. (maybe) But this book says do this. And on and on.

We all do this in some fashion. I think because my mother did it so often, I became immediately skeptical. I am searching for the proof in the pudding.

I think when she got to the end of her life Mom was still searching. And I perceive very little from authority. I want to know the background, the data collection techniques, the sources, etc. She taught me to be a skeptic.

Mom believes in marketing but not advertising.

In an old conversation with Mom after my sister and I helped her move to a retirement community;

“They must be struggling to keep this place rented. I think they have a lot of vacancies here.” – Mom

“What makes you say that?” – me

“They have been advertising in the paper.” – Mom

We were talking about The Seasons Retirement Community. They had changed hands a few months prior to Mom moving in. This is a place were the average age is about 85. The population is not so old that someone was being hauled out in the back of a hearse each day but it is close. (In fact there is a freight elevator and a dock in the back off to the side hidden from immediate view.) Turnover was high. The line was not out the door waiting to get in.

My general impression was “cruise atmosphere while awaiting death”. That sounds harsh but most retirement communities give off that vibe. Later after Mom was gone and buried, a friend, Bill was on a waiting list to get in. They were full up. The new management had corrected the leakage.

Advertising works.

Mom believes in herself and her own self reliance. (It terrifies her that this is slipping away.)

Some notes from conversations at the very end of her life. Joyce and I had moved her from Seasons to Bridgeway Pointe which is a part of UC Health. Not quite a nursing home but greater services than a retirement community.

When I was much younger, Mom used to say, “pull up your socks!” By that she meant be self-reliant. Don’t wait for anyone else to do it for you. You have to make it happen yourself.

“I don’t really need that much help.” She tells me constantly. But today (approximately four years ago now) I found out she is suffering from a episode of the stomach flu wandering around the building. A little gastrointestinal distress others have had in the assisted living facility. She needed help and thankfully she was in the right spot to get it.

June, 2015: I just paid Mom’s Bill’s – she only has one or two besides Bridgeway Pointe. (It just dawned on me how hard that is for me) I have learned – rightly or wrongly that I have weak organizational skills. I look around my office and realize that I too am a horizontal filer.

September, 2015: Mom has insisted she wants me to help her use her walker. I guess I will help coach her. But I never did. At this point in her life she started sitting in a wheelchair or a lift chair. She never got up without assistance ever again. I would push her places.

There is grace in allowing someone to help you.

My italicized remarks about Mom are in the present tense because that’s how I think of her when I think of her. I can actually hear her voice. I guess I didn’t fall far from the tree.

I found this Birthday card that Cheryl gave me for my birthday. On the front is a picture of a couple dancing. They are, perhaps, in their mid-twenties. I believe it was last year but I am not certain, it may have been the year before. In either event it was recent because I am not typically a keeper of cards. Lately however I think I have become one.

This, of course, is not a picture of us but it is how I see her. In my eyes I still see a young woman full of of vim and vigor for life. I think (I know) this is why I kept this particular card. The struggle we have with Parkinson’s disease is multifaceted but it is important, perhaps even demanded, that we do not let that define our relationship and taint our love for each other.

This woman has been my life for 53 years. We met in high school. Eventually got married. Survived college. Had three children with all the struggles that that entails. Partied with friends, celebrated kids birthdays, friends birthdays, family birthdays, played lousy bridge and poker, played good bridge and won at poker, got fat, got skinnier, got the kids through their younger lives and into and through college without major incident, watched as they matured and married and started their families and lives without us, celebrated the birth of grandchildren, celebrated the birthdays of grandchildren, admired how our children parented their kids and loved every minute of it.

Deep breath now – we have this new nuance to our relationship. Occasionally, and I say this with regret, I allow myself to forget that she has PD. I say regret simply because I forget that this nuance, this adjective, this aspect, this aside, this extra descriptor has stolen part of her vigor, not her vim, not her excitement, not her love of the children and grandchildren, not the family and certainly not the friends and friendships. Life is greater than disease. Life is greater than in ability or disability. Life is change and PD is simply another change.

As a man (I will slip into stereotypes here) I have had to adapt and adopt chores that (think stereotype) men do not normally do. This last is not universally true but I was born before the middle of the last century so think Mayberry, think Leave it to Beaver and the Cleavers, maybe even Little House on the Prairie if you are unsure of the vision of manly duties that I was brought up to understand.

A hobby of mine is bread and baking. I have successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully extended that into actual cooking and the making of dinner. Betty Crocker is a friend but can also be a fiend. If you do not believe me, poke around at the website for a bit sign up for the occasional newsletter which becomes the “every fifteen seconds” newsletter. So many recipes, so little time, so many left-overs. Some of what used to be weekend treats have become during the week meals or breakfasts or lunches. It is interesting that Cheryl has kept the “Dinner for Two” cook book all these years. The bindings have fallen apart over time so we (she really) spent some time sliding it into page protectors and into its own three ring binder. The recipes are classics and available on their web space (but do not forget the newsletters filling your inbox.)

Life is full of changes and ever changing. The only constant is change. Buddhists believe this. As I age I am constantly reminded of this and occasionally chagrined. Anger does not come with change but it is easy to be disappointed that certain things that we had hoped would remain “as is” do not. The list is long.

Parkinson’s disease is merely another change. And it sucks!

In an earlier comment I noted that it seems as though Cheryl’s brain is slowly being re-wired so that every passing thought comes straight though. Naturally this is confusing to me because I am unsure as to whether I need to respond or merely listen. We laugh about it occasionally as I will say, “Are you talking to me or are you just talking?” The answer could go either way. Through our first forty to forty five-ish years of marriage she did not do this. Often we could sit for hours quietly, enjoying ones company, occasionally vocalizing our thoughts. Talking about the kids. Telling some story about some occurrence at work. It is different now.

It seems to me that it is different in a couple of ways. She vocalizes her thoughts continuously, often at a low volume, an understandable (mostly) mumble and she will talk about nearly anything to total strangers. This last I don’t recall her doing unless we were thrown into some social situation were it was sort of expected (i.e. sitting at a common table on a cruise.) I worry, probably unnecessarily, that she will give up some piece of information that will hurt her (and us) somehow. It may be totally unfounded but I think it is this nervousness in me that causes some background anxiety. In this behavior is a susceptibility or proclivity to believe in the kindness of ones fellow man which in the case of a scammer is none existent. Hence the source of my anxiety.

Parkinson’s disease sucks. It sucks big time!

Many years ago when Mom and Dad were still alive, we would take them to “Playhouse in the Park” a local theater here in Cincinnati. Mom always seemed to be interested in watching a live play. Dad confessed to me one time that he didn’t always understand what was going on but he went anyway to please Mom. (just one of his lessons to me about love)

One of the plays performed that season was Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot”. On the ride home I asked Mom, “So, who do you think Godot is? and will they ever find him, will he ever come?” Mom answered almost immediately. Godot is death. The second half of the two part question didn’t require an answer. But for whatever reason, this play, and my mother’s answer stayed with me thirty years later. It seemed to me perceptive.

About 15 years later I found a copy of the play in Barnes & Noble. It reminded me again of that conversation and I bought it. Now from time to time I read it. This is one of those times. I picked it up again last evening and read a portion of it before going to bed. The play itself, dialog with notes about the set, movement, actor emotion is harder to read than a fictional novel. It is less visually developed and requires the reader to do that visualization. Curiously, merely one picture or sketch, fixes that visual. Forever. (Standard sets are simple. A dusty road in the country and a tree in the background maybe some rocks are all that’s needed.)

It is an allegory, of course, and allegory interpretation is in the eye of the beholder and interpreter. And my mother’s interpretation was just as valid as the scholars’ interpretation.

Scholars and critics talk of God and religion, humanity and spiritualism, existentialism philosophy. But, in some way, we are all waiting for death. How we wait, what we do while waiting, are we merely waiting or do we search for meaning in the wait? Those are some of the greater life questions that settled on me with a thump today.

Mom has been gone for a while now. Dad even longer but I think of them often when things around me spark some memory. I tell this story often about Mom. Mom was a saver of things to put things into. Boxes, baskets, bowls, crates, the clutter of life are kept in these. Or piled up over there until a suitable container is found. To this day I cannot throw a box away without hearing Mom’s voice in my head, “Don’t throw away that box! That’s a good box!” Life is full of boxes and crates and sheds and garages and storage facilities and warehouses but I have digressed.

Samuel Beckett is a person that I think I would have liked to know in life. Or, at least, I would have liked to sit and have a couple glasses of wine with.

Godot for me the present. One need not wait for it because its here. Lucky and Pozzo are the rest of the surrounding (cluttering) experience. Vladimir and Estragon are the dance with the present. They are waiting for Godot but Godot has come and they are too concerned with their dance to notice.

Early this morning Cheryl got up to visit the bathroom as is often the case with older men and women. Storage capacity diminishes with age. As she looked at the clock I bought for her a while back to help with her orientation in space time – it has more information than just the time – she became confused about what the information meant to her.

Sunday? What does that mean? That’s the thought that passed through her head. She later described this to me. Puzzling through why she couldn’t seem to understand the significance of the word.

She needs (wants) to find an explanation for all the little deteriorations that occur. It’s hard to sort out those that belong to the Parkinson’s and those that are merely “gray hair”.

I guess it’s hard for me too. I tend to think that everything is somehow related to the Parkinson’s. And everything is in a way. A certain amount of independence is given up when one decides that it is unsafe to drive a car. Cheryl has decided that. But, now, because of that decision she has added a concern, a worry, an anxiety, that it is an inconvenience to me. She is right of course. My interests are not the same as hers but I have adjusted – I think. But what I have been unable to do with great success is dissuade her from her being concerned about “putting me out”. I have also been unsuccessful at giving me a bit of warning when she schedules my time so that I can plan a bit and rearrange things as necessary.

Sometimes this causes undue tension between us. Generally speaking Parkinson’s sucks.

We have been together for a long time. Married for 50 years next year. Together as a couple 53 years this year. A long time. I guess we are comfortable with each other. I will call it love since I have no better way to denote it.

When we where younger, we could sit quietly together. No longer is this true. Parkinson’s has attached new wiring and Cheryl’s thoughts come directly to her lips. She now talks constantly. To things, about things, to insects and sometimes to me.

These are noticeable changes in behavior.

There is a deep emotional connection to these changes in behavior. They are a window to a view of the future. It feels like grief. It sucks.

Our middle child once became very angry with me about something. I no longer recall the context of the outburst. But his thought was this, “I want to do more than just hold the board!”.

It may mean little to you as you read this. But to us, he and me, it spoke volumes. When David was very little, I was in my prime wood working years. I gave him a pair of safety glasses and showed him some safety things. What to do and not do. Often when crosscutting a board with a hand saw I would let him hold the board to steady it.

Later on in life he wanted to use the saw.

When people say, “She’s a good-looking woman,” they usually mean, “She used to be a good looking woman.” But when I say that about Margaret, I mean it. She thinks—she knows-that she‘s changed, and she has; though less to me than to anybody else. Naturally, I can’t speak for the restaurant manager. But I’d put it like this: she sees only what’s gone, I see only what‘s stayed the same. Her hair is no longer halfway down her back or pulled up in a French pleat; nowadays it is cut close to her skull and the grey is allowed to show. Those peasanty frocks she used to wear have given way to cardigans and well—cut trousers. Some of the freckles I once loved are now closer to liver spots. But it’s still the eyes we look at, isn’t it? That’s where we found the other person, and find them still. The same eyes that were in the same head when we first met, slept together, married, honeymooned, joint-mortgaged, shopped, cooked and holidayed, loved one another and had a child together… [Julian Barnes in “The Sense of an Ending”]

What a beautiful sentiment. Its true with the advantage of age, its easy to look back and see these same things in the person I love. Thank you, Julian.