Cheers

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I have a lot of extra time. Cheryl is being cared for at Bridgeway Pointe and I hunt for ways to fill my day. I take walks on good weather days, this is one of those. The Spring weather is warming. It is not warming fast enough for me. Every time I walk by my bike to get into the car to visit Cheryl I check the tires just because. My plan for the summer is to ride that bike as many days as I can fit into my open schedule.

This morning I was uninterested in the news of the day. Donald is going to badmouth Joe for eight more months. It is impossible to describe how uninterested I am with all of that. The primary in Ohio is March 19th. After that I will no longer hear about what stinkers Frank and Bernie are and the guy with the construction company may get to drive down and fix the wall. None of those guys are telling me what they plan to do make the world a better place. They are telling me what the other guy is incapable of doing. Politics is sport. Trash talk is here.

Losing interest in network television I woke up Prime video and eventually old TV shows appeared inside of the CBS app. Cheers is an old favorite. The theme song came on and took me back to long ago. Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? ….Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see our troubles are all the same.

I sat and watched the very first episode (I think) where the bar burns down at 2 AM in the morning after partying hard at a wedding. Afterward I told Alexa to find the theme song and it politely played that for me before switching to a collection of other TV show themes. Nostalgia on some days is good I think.

Stephen Curry was on the morning news yesterday for a bit. He wrote another children’s book. He commented that his theme is to leave the world a better place. I think that is a good life philosophy. I used to have as a goal to have the money run out about the time I did, but that is a low bar.

Perhaps, “Choose happiness and leave the world a better place than you found it. And when you start something, finish it.” is my new motto, philosophy, theme.

Spring is coming!

Carpe Diem!

—

Cheers Lyrics: Songwriters: Gary Portnoy / Judy Hart
… Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you’ve got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
… All those nights when you’ve got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it’s tail
And your third fiance didn’t show
… Sometimes you wanna go
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)
Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)
You wanna be where everybody knows your name
… Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead
The morning’s looking bright (the morning’s looking bright)
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn’t even write
And your husband wants to be a girl
Be glad there’s one place in the world
… Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You wanna go where people know
People are all the same
You wanna go where everybody knows your name
… Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
And they’re always glad you came
Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)

Dear Cheryl

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Dear Cheryl,

You know of course that you are the love of my life, the place where I am home.  I do not say this to you often enough. I am writing it here so that you can read it often if you want.

This morning when I came to you to be home and see how you were doing, Jennifer told me that you had no interest in getting up so after the bathroom she helped you back to bed. This is where you were when I came. I kissed you and you ignored me.  You were deeply sleeping. I sat and watched you breathe for a few minutes, hoping you would stir. You did not, so, I kissed you again and told you that I would return later.

Here I am again. It is almost three pm and you are still lights out. I talked to Mike in the hallway outside of the Harbor. He told me that you were still sleeping and he had taken your vital signs. He made a little joke about this being one of those days when you are not participating. He is such a gentle nurse.

As I was ending my conversation with him, I met Rosie Doud. You know, Bill Doud’s sister? She is staying at Bridgeway Pointe.

Even though Mike said you were sleeping, I came to watch you breathe. Maybe you will awaken later when Linda and Regan come. Maybe not. Obviously you need to sleep today. I am glad you did not need to doze yesterday afternoon. We held hands and you told me about something but I did not understand all of your words.

Sleep some more and I will check on you after supper.

I love you.

Paul

Spring 2024 (a haiku)

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I have always been a fan of haiku. Seventeen syllables to evoke an emotional connection to the earth and our surroundings. I am also a fan of sonnet but the rhythm and rhyming sequence often escapes me. Haiku is free verse, an emotion, a summary. It is a painting in words to me. I like to experiment with it.

forsythia in bloom

new life persistent
provides much beauty on gray
wintertime background

Regardless of where we are or what we are doing or what trouble may concern us, Spring flowers appear in the landscape. Take notice of them. A new year of growth is here. Breathe in, breathe out, enjoy your surroundings. This year this lone forsythia left to grow wild in the woods behind our condo shows its beauty once again.

Carpe the landscape Diem!

Sunday Awake Day

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My cheesy grin

Today is Sunday. When I was here earlier Cheryl was dozing. She had taken her meds earlier and ate a little breakfast. Often when I come over on Sunday afternoon she is alert and  active and talking to someone else who is invisible to me. This day is no exception.

She let me sit with her and hold her hands for a few minutes. Now she has rediscovered a knitted fidget that has beads, a pocket, a loop and buttons. Cheryl discovered this shortly after she moved to Bridgeway Pointe and it seems to keep her interest for long periods. She is struggling with the loop to hook it over the bead and button.

The loop is the most fascinating thing. She loves to loop it around her fingers.

I take every opportunity to hold her hand.

Carpe hand holding Diem.

Florida Again

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After a few months, I find myself in Florida again without Cheryl. In June of 2023 when Cheryl and I came to the Florida panhandle with Anna and her family it was fun and it was exhausting. This time Cheryl is not with me. This time Joyce is often driving and I am able to watch the scenery. This time is different.

Last summer may have been our last trip together. This trip is not the first one without her that I was not going to work but this trip feels different. I cannot put my finger on what is different. Is it because Cheryl is not with me and it is the nation’s designated vacation spot? Surely that’s not it. I am visiting family with family. Is it because I am not worried or concerned about her care? As I was visiting with my sister in the previous October? I am still analyzing those thoughts.

Judy’s pool view

This trip started as an invitation to participate in an informational weekend about  the activities supported by the Southern Poverty Law Center  founded years ago by Julian Bond et al.

The weekend’s events culminated in jubilee commemoration of Bloody Sunday 59 years ago on the march from Selma to Montgomery Alabama.

Edmund Pettus Bridge

My impression of Selma is that it is remarkably poor. This impression is supported by empty and boarded up storefronts and the slow or non-existent recovery from the tornado that passed through a couple years ago. Whatever the vision is in the leadership of the great State of Alabama may be for the future it seems to have left the the small village of Selma behind. It is a pretty area. The few pictures I took of the river area show this fact and Selma has a grand boulevard in the center of it. There is a Walmart Super Center less than two miles from the town center. Big box stores tend to kill off the core of little towns. It seems to be happening here.

The bridge crossing happened on Sunday and after we walked across the bridge and completed wading through the crowd on the other side taking selfies and deciding what to do next and generally recrossing the bridge on the sidewalks back to the carnival atmosphere a block off the side of the boulevard, we found our bus back to Montgomery. That evening we went to a nice local restaurant for dinner. Fifty-nine years ago many of those bridge crossing folks spent the night in jail or the hospital somewhere. It is quite a contrast, then and now, but the poverty is still there.

The next day we were off to Port St. Joe, Florida to visit with our nephew Mark and his wife Leslie. Their little vacation home in Port St. Joe is set up perfectly no TV, no WIFI,  just conversation. Port St. Joe is a sleepy little town with the distinctive title of original capital city of the State of Florida. Leslie grew up there. Mark and his family took us to a raw bar. I later found out this is another name for a sea food restaurant.

As I conversed with Mark it struck me that he is very much like his father, my brother. In addition to resembling his father physically, his mannerisms, his focus, his jesters, I felt like I was talking to a younger version of my brother. I have not seen Mark since Mom’s funeral and we did not talk at length at the funeral.

Cheryl came flooding back into my mind. I looked around and in my head she told me that if she could have been there she would have sat near Leslie and the kids to talk and catch up. Family and conversation is very important to her. Sitting with Mark, my sister Joyce and his family, I realized how much I was missing Cheryl. She would have enjoyed this trip very much. And the additional aspect of lived history would have had her telling about this trip over many dinner conversations into the future.

The next day we continued on to visit with Mark’s mother, my sister-in-law, Judy. My brother left this Earth in May of 2020. Sadly, because of the COVID travel restrictions, Cheryl’s inability to travel easily and other factors, we were unable to attend services for my brother Bill. Judy showed Joyce and me a wonderful memory book put together by the funeral services company as well as the program for Bill’s celebration of life. I picked up the book and looking through it had to catch myself as I wanted to turn and show it to Cheryl. (I was missing Cheryl again.)

This was perfect; family, history, hiking, a beach nearby, Judy’s beautiful house at the end.

When I got home in the early evening my son Scott picked me up at the airport. As we rode along my only thought was to drive over and visit Cheryl. She was in bed already so I kissed her goodnight and returned home to eat something and consider various aspects of the trip, my relationship to my own family and enjoy sleeping in my own bed.

Carpe the road trip Diem.

Dear Cheryl,

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I am thinking about you this morning as I do every morning.

Earlier I listened to and old U2 song – With or Without You – And I realized that these words from this song have a very different meaning to me than the original lyricist meant. I cannot live with you physically. It is simply more than I can handle day to day. Between your Parkinson and the associated memory and dementia, it is overwhelming for me to take care for you by myself. This breaks my heart.

And yet, in my heart I cannot live without you constantly in my thoughts. Often in the morning when I hear some song or part of a song I think of a time when we were younger and this song was on the radio or the group was very popular and what we were doing in our lives. Some of those memories are vague with little flashes of pictures in my mind. The dream ends and I am in our home, alone, without you. I become sad again.

Songs and particular lines from songs often evoke an emotional (teary) response from my heart. Loving you and living without you is a very unsatisfactory feeling.

With you or without you – I miss you,

Paul

Dear Cheryl,

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Dear Cheryl,

You were sleeping today when I came to visit. Sleeping so very soundly that I did not want to disturb you. I kissed you on the cheek like I usually do to tease you awake. I know that you do not like me to kiss you on the ear. You did not even stir, not one bit.

I sat in the rocker for a little bit to watch you breathe.

After a few more minutes I left you to rest and came home. As I was driving home I thought to write this letter to you. I have been listening to a collection of songs from Spotify entitled – Songs to Sing in the Shower. Pulling into the garage LeAnn Rimes started singing, “You Can’t Fight the Moonlight”. This line – “There’s no escaping love; Once the gentle breeze; Weaves its spell upon your heart” – stuck with me.

I suddenly realized how much I missed seeing you today. The past couple days you were alert and we were able to sit and hold hands quietly. Yesterday you put your head on my shoulder and we sat that way for awhile. I enjoyed that quiet time with you.

I think that touching you is more important to me than I admit to myself.

Sleep well and rest. I will see you tomorrow.

I love you,

Paul

Catfish Friday

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Many years ago when I was still working our company had installed a machine in a manufacturing company in Glasgow Kentucky. If it was necessary to visit this customer I would try to steer the meeting to Friday because it was Catfish Friday at Annie’s Kitchen in Glasgow. That memory came to me today when I ordered the catfish in the Drake cafeteria for lunch today.

I do not remember when I was last to Annie’s but it has been quite awhile. The fish at the cafeteria was pretty good but the fish at Annie’s place was exquisite.  I do not eat a lot of fish. I live in Ohio.

Lent is upon us and many churches, restaurants and volunteer firehouses have fish fries during lent. For many years that was our Friday(s) in Lent. Go to the fish fry and visit with friends and be Catholic like the old days when we were children for a time.

The pandemic pandemonium killed that all off for a time. And afterward Cheryl was less and less able to navigate the cafeteria and the commotion.

I miss that. Today I had fried catfish for lunch. (Okra and cornbread, too.)

Carpe Diem

When I Visit Cheryl

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When I visit Cheryl which happens everyday I notice things. Some of these are after I return home. I am not so concerned about where I put my shoes after I take them off for example. When Cheryl was here with me I was constantly concerned with trip hazards lying about in our condo. Occasionally we would argue about things like doormats and trow rugs, all of which I had removed from the condo over time as her ability to move and walk and balance became worse.

I notice how the staff interacts with the residents. They are generally kind and attentive. They are, I imagine, acutely aware of their own staffing levels.

I notice how the residents interact with the staff. Helen, another resident in the Harbor with Cheryl, is awake and alert and talkative today. Last night the Super Bowl went into overtime. It was not won until just before 11 PM, so, I imagine that several maybe most of the staff sat up and watched it until the end like I did. The difference being that I did not have to get up at 5 AM to make the 6:30 AM staff meeting. Some of the staff have that combination of Monday morning sleepy grumpy going on. I get that. I used to be a service/engineering manager. Mondays were often unnecessarily busy while we picked up all the stuff that fell on the floor over the weekend.

I notice the level of staffing. It is less so on the weekends as one might expect it to be. If there is one single area that I could suggest could be improved it would be weekend staffing. The world in general revolves around folks not working weekends without some sort of extra incentive which is often money. Rewarding altruism and empathetic caring for folks who cannot care for themselves is hard work for the administration and work life balance is strained when the work and life are similar. Conjuring useful rewards for weekend work like appealing to their sense of altruism is probably tough.

I notice the changes when the shift ends. The next group comes in. It is generally a smooth transition.

I hear the little discussions between the staff – what’s important to them.

I also find that if I am not the full time care partner I was when Cheryl was home with me I am able to have opinions about how others do the same task. I wonder about how I might do it differently. I keep those thoughts to myself. Juggling the needs of a dozen people at different stages of Alzheimer’s, Lewy body, Parkinson’s and other forms of dementia is more complicated than I had to deal with at home. My personal dilemma was remaining kind and thoughtful with lack of sleep but a lot of love. Love is sometimes hard to find if you are Mr. Lack-of-sleep-cranky-pants.

All of this wandered though my thoughts today as I visited with Cheryl and sat with her while she dozed in her chair. She was slightly awake but sitting with her eyes closed. She was uninterested in having company. I just held her hand for a bit and it seemed like she relaxed and fell into a nap. I miss her daily company.

Carpe Diem. ( Carpe Somnum when it is time.)

Trust

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Trust and have faith that the right thing is going to come. This is not my line. Someone said it on TV a couple days ago.

I found myself staring at this thought and wondering where I was going and all the while thinking about St. Valentine’s day coming up. This by the way could allow me to wander down my own personal rabbit hole of date is dyslexia. But I will not do that. I ignored this prompt for a couple days until today.

We have a bulletin board on our hallway to the main bedroom. I made this for Cheryl a few years ago because she needed a place to hang THE CALENDAR. Since she is not home with me I did not bother to buy and hang up another calendar. I use the calendar on my desk in front of me. The board looks a little naked and I hang little tchotchkes that I find as I go through her collections of cards, photos and other memorabilia.

When I am stuck on something, a thought, a problem, a puzzle, my emotion, I leave it alone for awhile to see if my brain finds a solution. I have used this technique throughout my working career. This morning walking back to the bedroom to get dressed and start my day, I passed by a card that Cheryl had gotten for me some time ago. (I know that because her script is still readable.)

On the front: “Thank you for finding me, charming me, and loving me. Thank you for making me laugh, for being there for me in so many ways, and for always being the best friend I need.”

Inside: Dear Paul, (in here hand) “Thank you for making me feel like the luckiest person alive.” Love, Cheryl (in her hand)

These days since Cheryl has very little voice left these words mean a lot more to me than I care to admit to myself. I am not sure when she got this for me. In fact she may not have given it to me. Over the past couple years she would often write a card out and then put it away in one of her collections of stuff to take care of later. The great organizer of our family had lost her organization. When I found it a few weeks ago I put it on the bulletin board instead of the throwaway pile of 20 year old birthday cards and Christmas cards.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Cheryl. I love you! I hope that somewhere in your befuddled head you still understand that.

Carpe Diem.