Music – Nostalgia and Healing

Posted by

0

Lately I have noticed how the residents at the Harbor at Bridgeway Pointe seem to perk up and take part in the music that gets played occasionally either as a part of Hospice care or BP’s effort to provide activities for them. Most residents have some physical inability to participate fully and yet they do their part. Music has this effect on everyone.

One day when I returned to my little condo I looked at our old stereo and drug the two plastic tubs of LPs that had made the cut to our new place from the old one. Once before Cheryl and had done this but it has been a few years now.

I have played several old albums during the past few evenings. We have quite a collection of stuff. She tended toward Johnny Mathias and the Four Tops. I tended toward the Iron Butterfly and the Doors but intermingled in the tubs with those are Carly Simon, Crosby Stills & Nash, Peter Paul & Mary and Linda Ronstadt (another parkie). Growing up in the late 60’s and married in the early 70’s, I was very tuned into the Vietnam War and the associated commotion that it stirred up in my generation. So, there are a lot of folk singers in the tubs.

Listening and not listening to Crosby, Stills and Nash this morning, Steven Stills started singing, ” Helplessly hoping her harlequin hovers nearby awaiting a word.” I quit working the quordle for a minute and listened carefully. The refrain, ” They are one person. They are two alone. They are three together. They are for each other.” made me cry and think about Cheryl.

“Wordlessly watching he waits by the window and wonders at the emptiness inside.” – Steven Stills. 1969 Gold Hill Music Inc.

I needed a bit of nostalgia. This song and these words have a different meaning to me today. I will spend some time thinking about this today. I think Cheryl is getting close to the end and it breaks my heart. It is hard to find good in any of this situation.

Carpe the damn Diem and keep looking.

Dear Cheryl

Posted by

1

Today I came to visit and you are sleeping again. So, I think that I will sit with you for a bit in your room and write you this letter.

Yesterday was a busy day for you. The Hospice aide came to give you a bath, I came after lunch and we went outside to the garden to sit in the sun, Allison came to do your hair ( it looks good) and Mike came late afternoon to check your vitals and see how you are doing. You were busy with lots of stuff.

Today it looks like you’re worn out.

When I talked to you, you did not respond. I kissed you on the cheek and you did not stir. So, my conclusion is that you are very tired and I will not disturb you.

Robert Thomas called the other day. He is going to come and visit in early May. Our plan (his mostly) is to ride bikes a lot and see where we get to. I have ridden my bike a couple of times this week when the weather was good. Once around the loop in Winton to see if I could deal with the helmet and the dog collar around my neck. It seems okay but the neck collar pushes the helmet up in back so that it is hard to see forward. It is easy to see my front tire. Yesterday I went down to Lunken to see how high the river was. It has covered the bike path under the Beechmont bridge. The fence is covered up so it must be six or seven feet deep under the bridge.

This neck stretcher really restricts movement of my head. In the short periods when it is off and I gently turn my head, it hurts to turn it very far to the side. I think that when I get it off in a couple of weeks I will be glad to restart my chair yoga and balance exercises. I am looking forward to that.

Billie and Fran and I are going to meet for lunch next week. You might remember them from when I worked in Sharonville. Anyway we are Facebook friends and thought it would be good to have lunch together one day. Billie has had some recent health issues and so has her husband. I am interested to know if Fran is still doing her flea market thing and what else she’s been up to in her life.

I have not planned any activity today. I was watching the weather all week and today was supposed to be raining, overcast  and cool. My thought was to sit with you, so I am doing that. You however are sound asleep. They must have gotten you cleaned up and dressed this morning. Did you tell Jennifer that you were not interested in getting up today when she asked you? (My guess is yes. )

I have been here for more than an hour and it appears that you are not going to awaken. I will let you rest and come back later.

As I left the Harbor I talked to Tonya, the nurse supervisor. She told me that you did not take your medication today and that you were breathing oddly earlier and she had called Mike the hospice nurse. He will come in a little bit to check you.

I love you and missed your company today. I had hoped to sit and hold hands like we did yesterday. The sun is supposed to be back tomorrow, although, it will be a bit cooler. We can still go outside tomorrow. I will put your brown jacket on you to go into the garden.

Paul

Today Too day Two day

Posted by

0

I got up earlier than usual, although not that much earlier. I did not sleep well. I have little idea why that I did not sleep well. Often I wonder why that is or why other things are. There often is no answer to; Why?

Small children ask this of their parents. My parents are both gone so I have no one bigger or more elder to me to ask, “Why?”.

Y is also the second to last letter in the English alphabet. Z, the last letter, is often used in graphic novels and comic strips to indicate that the character is sleeping. Why comes just before Sleep. Sleep is how Jesus refers to Lazarus in that story in the Bible.

Yesterday I visited with my son. We sat in the sunshine in his backyard enjoying some time together. My daughter-in-law is off on a trip with her mother visiting a new niece. They currently live in Spain so that child will eventually ask, “por qué ?​” (thank goodness for Google translate.)

This morning as I sat and watched the CBS morning news with little interest, I noticed my neighbor Pat walking to and fro past my window as she worked on her garden in the rear of our property. Why am I watching this show which has failed to capture my interest on this beautiful sunny day in Ohio? Perhaps I should get up and get my bike out. Why not? I have this wonderful neck brace on my neck. Why should that stop me from doing something that I truly enjoy. Perhaps I can go on a short ride before I go to visit Cheryl today.

Why not? I am done sleeping. Perhaps it is time for a little extracurricular activity.

Carpe Diem!

Dear Cheryl

Posted by

0

Dear Cheryl,

It has been exactly four weeks since I have written to you. The days blend together, so, ever since you have moved to Bridgeway Pointe, I have kept a journal of how you appear to me, your moods, your alertness, my thoughts and other things. As I look through this log of information about the past few weeks I noted many things that have happened during the last four weeks.

A couple days after I wrote the last letter, I was enjoying the sunset with some of our neighbors and was a little more inebriated than I thought at the time and fell while getting up from my chair. I admit to myself that I was feeling a little sad when I came home from visiting you that day. I do not know why. You appeared frail and I noted that I cried when I first saw you that day. I suppose that was still with me when I returned home to make myself dinner. For whatever reason I give myself, I found the bottle of vodka that I had in the freezer and added a little sprite to it in a glass. ( I was out of tonic. ) It was sweeter than I like but I imagined watching the sun go down while I was waiting for the casserole I had put together cook in the oven. Two of our neighbors showed up to join me and all was well until I fell on my face. I must have knocked myself out because I have little memory of the incident until I was looking at a fireman who strongly suggested that I go to the hospital. I had no interest in doing that but I gave in and went anyway. Now I have this collar to wear that you see me in when I come to visit. And now I know what an annoying experience that must have been for you when you were taken to the hospital over the past several years. Although I was not hallucinating at night, sleeping was like trying to get forty winks in a busy elevator.

I went to the hospital on Thursday evening. I came back home on Sunday afternoon. Sleeping on Sunday night was wonderful. I made it to six hours before my bladder took me to the bathroom. All of our kids came to visit with me on Friday. Scott gave me a ride home on Sunday. Anna and David and Scott visited you and me that whole weekend. We have wonderful children.

On Monday I was a little stiff and wearing an old set of eyeglasses. I could see okay but not comfortable driving with my new neck apparel. Your sister, Nancy, offered to drive me over to Bridgeway Pointe so that is what happened on Monday, bloody Monday. About every other day of that week you were sleeping when I came and Nancy gave me a ride to visit another day and we rode you around the building that day. You were more alert and Nancy seemed pleased to do it.

On Monday March 25th I went to see Lauren, our PCP folk. Her office called me the Monday after I got home from the hospital to check on me and ask if I wanted to come in for a visit. I admitted to her that I felt a little sad that day and asked her if there was a grief counselor or psychologist I could talk to about me. I am not sure what I want to get out of such an encounter. Sometimes when I leave you to come home I feel an overwhelming sadness. I did that Thursday a few weeks ago. I thought to have several drinks. That was a normal, I suppose, and stupid reaction. I will have to be aware of that when it creeps up on me. Perhaps I should just call Joyce or your sister Nancy and talk about what I am feeling. I am unsure about how talking to a complete stranger or a group of complete strangers will help. Joyce asked me if it affected my manliness when I felt sad and teary-eyed with others around. I replied that it did not bother me so much but I wished that it would not happen. She pointed out to me that you are a very important person in my life and although you have not passed on from this Earth, in many ways you have passed on from me and that is always going to be hard on me. (I think it is not so hard on you because you seem off somewhere else most days when I come to visit.)

Anna had a party for Virginia’s Birthday. She is sweet sixteen now. Do you remember what a cute two year old she was? I spent David’s birthday in the hospital. I wished him a happy birthday when he came to visit me.

Britney called me on the phone one evening as I was driving home from kissing you good night. She said you had slid out of your wheelchair as they were getting you into bed for the evening. Are you having a harder time sitting up in that chair? Or were you in a hurry to get into bed? I remember when you were home with me sometimes you went to bed early and were in a hurry to get there.

On Easter Sunday when I came to visit, You asked me where I was going today. I told you that I was going to Anna’s house for the afternoon for a cookout. I noted this in my journal because of two things; your voice was very plain and understandable when you asked, it seemed to me to be a very lucid thought. After you asked me that, you said; good, I am going to stay here today. (I noted a small patch of lucidity.)

I took the seat cushion from your wheelchair home to clean it on April Fools Day. It needed it. I traded the other cushion from the kitchen chairs with you. The last time I washed it I had to chase the washer around the utility room. It was out of balance after the cushion had sucked up ten pounds of water from the wash cycle. This time I thought that I would just soak it in the utility sink. I put about six inches of hot water in it and added a little bleach to the water. (It looked like you may have leaked a little onto it one day.) After soaking overnight it had these vivid purplish stains on it. There must be some metal in whatever it is stuffed with. Bleach reacts with a couple different metals to produce a purplish stain. Its clean but it looks bad.

This situation we are in, as I watch you become more and more frail. And as I watch you lose more and more weight. This whole process makes me worry about losing the picture in my head of your lovely smile. I have made a new project for myself of making a collage of you and your smile. So far it is pretty good, I think. I printed it out for you here so you can see for yourself and judge. I do not have a copy of every picture. There are many. On the next page you can see what it looks like so far. I am still searching for one or two other pictures that I know I have but with the cleanup I have been doing around our house I have placed them in a safe place where they will not be lost. I have not found that place back yet.

I have learned many things over the past four weeks. Do not drink vodka if I am sad. Beer will make me get up for a trip to the toilet more often and the alcohol is more dilute.

Avoid overnight stays in a hospital.

I am not interested in puzzles. I tried to become interested after one of the trips to Bridgeway Pointe with your sister. (new hobby and all that…) I have had it partially assembled on the dining room table for about two and a half weeks. I am told that real puzzle workers do not leave them dissembled out for that long. All I can say is that I am not that interested.

I am interested in writing more. I have a loose collection of stories that I call a hitchhiker’s guide to parkinson. That is much like a puzzle to me. Fitting it together as a story and memoir of our last fifteen years or so is a goal. Whether I achieve it or not is up to me.

A total eclipse of the sun is a magnificent sight. I shall remember it forever.

My journal is becoming more than a log of you and how you are. Two days ago I felt that my sourdough starter was far enough along to use it to make a loaf. Over that day I came to visit with you three times while I was waiting for it to proof and develop. At the end of the day after dinner and I got the loaf out of the oven, I came back over to Bridgeway Pointe to visit you. This is what I wrote that night when I returned home: I use this book to write about Cheryl and how she is doing but tonight I was disappointed that she was already in bed. I suppose I could sit with her in the darkened room but I sat on the edge of the bed for a short time and held her hand. I kissed her good night and went home disappointed. — I wanted to sit with her like we used to do.

(In the evening, some nights I really miss just sitting with you – maybe we watch TV, maybe we just talk, maybe you beat me at Scrabble, maybe I read a book and you are sewing on some project.)

Cheryl that is all I have for now. I have tried to catch you up on all the doings that happened since last I wrote. Know always that I love you.

Paul

Carpe Diem

A Budding Scientist

Posted by

1

One of the hidden benefits of my sister-in-law’s retirement from her lifelong private babysitting business is the fact that Zane her grandson often comes to help his mom spruce up my condo. Zane came yesterday and brought his rock collection. He is so proud of it.

I have many magnification devices and he had none, so, I gave him one of mine so that he could further explore his collection and expand his knowledge of his world. I also gave him a special Rubbermaid rock case to house his collection. He seemed satisfied with both

I snapped a few photos of the future STEM student. I am hoping that Zane will come to help his mom often. And I hope he will keep up his interest in geology.

It is unlikely that his interest in rocks will last throughout his lifetime but it might. Maybe many years from now when I am gone he will remember the good time he had yesterday examining his collect with the special magnifying glass Uncle Paul gave him.

He has such a great smile.

Carpe Diem.

After the Eclipse

Posted by

1

Scott figured out the exposure controls on his phone and took this picture. All I got was a blob of white light. The corona is still quite bright and phones have poor optics.

Leading up to and leading away from the time of totality, the light takes on an odd quality. In much the same fashion as just after a fierce rain storm, a thunderstorm, the light is oddly yellowish. It is dimmer of course but it is diminished and yellowish.

After the eclipse, young people’s conversation was about other things in their lives. My thoughts were about what I had just witnessed. I think I was a little awestruck and underneath the complete shadow, I felt a little sad. The sadness passed quickly as the awe took over.

After the eclipse shadow passed over us the newly blooming tulips where opening back up. The plants had closed their eyes for the night when the moon blocked out the sun.

Sunlight was dim but getting brighter. Little half moons appeared where the sunlight filtered through the bushes nearby.

Mostly though my thoughts went to Cheryl. Cheryl was fascinated with astrological phenomena. I was saddened that I could not enjoy the spectacle with her. I spent some time thinking of her reaction and discussing what we saw. We talked at length about how magnificent the corona appeared once the moon completely shut off the rays of the sun. She noted that she felt chilly when the shadow of the moon was directly overhead. (I am glad she did not need me to get her jacket from the car.) I told her that I noticed that the wind had kicked up somewhat . I supposed because the air was cooler. Many but not all of the birds stopped chattering to each other. I asked her if she had noticed the eerie sunset like quality to the horizon in all directions. This was unexpected for me.

Perhaps this is a way to mentally deal with grief, just simply talk to her. Later when I go to find the northern lights she can see them with me.

Carpe Diem.

Pictures of Her Smile

Posted by

0

Lately I have struggled with the idea that this terrible disease of Parkinson has robbed Cheryl of her smile. To keep that smile present in my mind I have been collecting pictures, old and new, and assembling a collage of smiles.

I am not finished but this is it so far. I will revisit this posting every now and then as I find pictures back that I want to add.

Carpe Diem.

Almost Losing My Head

Posted by

2

Falling down and injuring myself has captured my thoughts for the time being. Some lessons can only be learned from one’s own experience.

The first and maybe the most important one is pretty straightforward. I am older than my brain is willing to accept. Maybe I should be more careful about things. Not surprisingly I am much less athletic than I used to be when I was a younger man.

The second is no longer will I focus on strength training. Exercise focus will be endurance and balance based. If the particular exercise helps with those things I will include it. Biking and yoga are two exercise activities that I am drawn to in particular .

The third idea is perhaps I should seek out help to deal with ongoing grief.

Carpe Diem

Food Therapy

Posted by

0

A good friend posted this recipe for her focaccia bread. — A few of you asked for my Focaccia bread recipe. Here you go: 

In a large bowl combine 4 cups of flour, plus 2 teaspoons each salt and yeast. Stir until dough comes together. Drizzle with a good olive oil and gather it into a rough ball. It will be quite moist. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator for 8 to 24 hours. When you remove the bowl, gently punch down the dough, drizzle with a little more oil and gather into another ball.  Take an 11 by 13 inch pan, spread olive oil all over the bottom and sides of the pan. Press the dough to the edges of the pan.  Let sit for 30-60 minutes (some recipes suggest 2-4 hours).  Sprinkle fresh rosemary leaves on top. Drizzle more olive oil on the surface. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.  Using all ten fingers dimple the dough until it has small depressions all over it.  Drizzle a little more olive oil and bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from pan to a cooling rack. Cut into shapes of your choosing. Serve with butter or olive oil and herbs. Enjoy. See my post from earlier today to see photos.

Always up for a good challenge I noticed that Robyn didn’t mention any liquid other than oil. Her ingredients will need about 16 ounces to get a dough. Many years of making my own bread tells me this. I made it last night before I went to bed,  oiled my bowl put the dough ball in after kneading for a few minutes. I drizzled more oil on top, covered with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator overnight.

Robyn sprinkled it with olive oil and fresh rosemary. Alas I was out of fresh rosemary leaves, so I adjusted.

I cut the dough in half after letting it warm up to room temperature for about an hour or so. One half I put in the freezer for a couple of days later.  Dough freezes well. It will keep a couple of weeks.

The other half I rolled out a little  and pulled it into a 10 by 14 roasting sheet that I use a lot. I previously spread olive oil on the pan and after helping the dough into the corners, I covered it with oil and wax paper and let it sit about 2 hours. During the last 30 minutes I chiffonaded some spinach, diced an onion and a green pepper, found my jar of minced garlic. I spread more olive oil on top and decorated the surface.

After decorating the dough…it is ready for cheeses.

Alas again I am out of fresh Romano. Another adjustment to my normal pizza activity. I forgot to mention that I intended to use Robyn’s recipe for focaccia and make a white pizza. I sprinkled the veggies with a combination of mozzarella, Colby-jack and parmesan.

Into the  450 degree oven for 10 – 12 minutes.

Good pizza is made in a very hot oven. My oven only goes to 500 degrees Fahrenheit. 10 – 12 minutes at 450 works pretty good.

Out of the oven after 12 minutes.

I let it rest long enough for me to touch the pan to cut it.

Leftovers. Nice.

I cut the remaining into four pieces and put them into a ziploc bag in the fridge. I think that they will reheat okay. The dough soaked up a fair amount of the olive oil. Letting it rest overnight coupled with the two teaspoons of salt gives the dough a sourdough taste and chew to it.

Overall an excellent choice for homemade pizza or focaccia.

Robyn’s product.

Thanks Robyn.

Carpe Diem.

The End of March Beginning of Spring

Posted by

0

This is my favorite time of the year. These days in Ohio the white trees are blooming. Most of them look pretty. They seem a week or so early this year because we had a mild winter here in southern Ohio. Nevertheless, most of these trees are decorative Bradford pear trees and the surrounding countryside has an odd decaying carcass smell.

Later the redbuds will bloom. The daffodils and forsythia have been blooming solid for a week.

Maybe I will buy a bag of birdseed.

Carpe Diem.