My search for grace and meaning after a former care partnering life with a wife who suffered from Parkinson's disease and dementia giving her a confused and disorienting world.
Today I was experimenting with an old hobby. In the middle of the afternoon during that activity I thought a cup of coffee and maybe a couple cookies. About that same time a notice from AARP popped up on my phone with the lead question ‘How much should you weigh?’ Holy cow what a buzz kill.
I became interested in calorie counts. Those little labels required by the FDA or whoever that describe how little protein is in each cookie and yet each supplies enough sugar to make them edible. What about peanut butter? What about Nutella? The cookies I selected are McVitie’s digestives. 160 calories for two of them. I refer to this serving size as the minimum daily requirement. In reality much like Lay’s potato chips, one cannot eat just one. One cannot eat just two. There were five left in the box and they are all in me now.
Later on I had some peanut butter too. This was plain old Our Family peanut butter. I happen to like the house brand at the close by IGA. Jif is good too but why pay more for the same amount of calories? 180 calories in two tablespoons full. Nutella has more calories still but for the same amount of substance. I have tried substitute brands of Nutella but it is just not the same. Both of these need spreading on something. I prefer toast in both cases but a cracker of some sort works in a pinch. 180 calories as a minimum daily intake is a sham unless you are licking a spoon.
I thought of it as a trail camera and I was shopping for the deer that walk by but a squirrel apparently likes to sit on the stump of half of the tree that I attached my Moultrie camera to look at the path through the woods. I think of it now as “squirrel cam”.
I think it is the same squirrel that comes and goes from this stump but I have several pictures and I find it to be fun to examine its little body and any features that might distinguish it from other squirrels. I often see two scampering around the trees out of my living room windows.
It is windy today and later Debbie and I are going out. For now I am watching the squirrel cam.
We all have morning routines. Mine centers around finding coffee and reading the news while I listen to the newsy shows on TV. When Tera comes on to tell me the weather of the past in the present and for the future, I listen. Her enthusiasm captures my interest for a moment. I turn my attention to the puzzles in the New York Times. Wordle solved I turn my attention to the Connections.
Lately the connections puzzle has me staring at the final category (purple) to discover the connection before I click submit.
This is Monday. The empty trash bin needs to return to its special place in the garage. I often return my neighbor’s bin to its special place.
While in the midst of this early routine I scan my emails and look at other bloggers that I follow. Proverbs27Flocks writes about a gluten free chocolate banana bread recipe. I have some bananas getting ready in the fruit bowl. I want to try his recipe later in the week.
Morning routine get me going.
Some use prayer and meditation. I use this time to write and think about what will come.
Today Debbie and I will visit the tow yard where her daughter’s car landed after going slippy slidey in the ice and snow one day while we were enjoying the Florida sunshine.
I bought a cocotte from King Arthur’s baking. A few weeks ago I re-interested myself in sourdough bread and other similar recipes. Although I used my dutch oven for this in the past I felt the need to up my game.
The cocotte is red and made by Staub in France. Ou la la – but here is an intriguing thought – check out these definitions from and online dictionary and Merriam Webster’ online dictionary:
co·cotte – (/kōˈkät,kəˈkät/)
noun: cocotte; plural noun: cocottes; noun: en cocotte; plural noun: en cocottes — a small heatproof dish in which individual portions of food can be cooked and served; a Dutch oven.
And M-W
cocotte (kȯ-ˈkȯt)
noun: Definition of cocotte: as in prostitute; a woman who engages in sexual activities for money
Those are very different definitions. M-W gives examples of use in a sentence;
The skillets, cocottes, braisers, and baking dishes are all oven-safe and come in a uniform matte black finish. — Clint Davis, People.com, 15 Mar. 2025; The dishes available in the Gourmand collection include cocottes (with and without lids), mini braisers (with and without lids), oval bakers, rectangular bakers, and skillets. — Sophia Beams, Better Homes & Gardens, 27 Feb. 2025; Get some cute the itty-bitty pans, like GreenPan mini egg pan, or a tiny cocotte from the maker of our favorite Dutch ovens (these are perfect for baked eggs). — Wilder Davies, Bon Appétit, 16 July 2024; At under $100, this adorable cocotte set won’t break the bank. — Amber C. Snider, Peoplemag, 25 May 2024
Down the rabbit hole I went. One is a pot. The other is a word for the ladies that General Joe Hooker, coincidentally buried in Spring Grove Cemetery in Cincinnati, brought to his troops to be assured that his men were satisfied in every way. (You can laugh.)
From the American Heritage Dictionary – affectionately known by me as the big dic – a clue! The etymological entry writes – French – originally a baby’s word for hen.
AHA! The connection between available females and chicken pots. One of the recipe photos included with the pot shows a roasted chicken in the pot.
Off to find recipes for my new pot to christen its use, I found this one I had saved previously:
• 1 pound beef stewing meat, trimmed and cut into inch cubes
• 5 teaspoons vegetable oil
• 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 1 cup red wine
• 3½ cups beef broth, homemade or low-sodium canned
• 2 bay leaves
• 1 medium onion, peeled and chopped
• 5 medium carrots, peeled and cut into ¼-inch rounds
• 2 large baking potatoes, peeled and cut into ¾-inch cubes
• 2 teaspoons salt
Step 1 – Combine the flour and pepper in a bowl, add the beef and toss to coat well. Heat 3 teaspoons of the oil in a large pot. Add the beef a few pieces at a time; do not overcrowd. Cook, turning the pieces until beef is browned on all sides, about 5 minutes per batch; add more oil as needed between batches.
Step 2 – Remove the beef from the pot and add the vinegar and wine. Cook over medium-high heat, scraping the pan with a wooden spoon to loosen any browned bits. Add the beef, beef broth and bay leaves. Bring to a boil, then reduce to a slow simmer.
Step 3 – Cover and cook, skimming broth from time to time, until the beef is tender, about 1½ hours. Add the onions and carrots and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. Add the potatoes and simmer until vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes more. Add broth or water if the stew is dry. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Ladle among 4 bowls and serve.
Sadly, I am out of onions and potatoes. I purposely used them up before going to Florida two weeks ago. I will go shopping very soon. Stew seems like a good idea when it is cold outside.
This is fancier than my stew but it is my new cocotte.
Last week we returned from a midwinter trip to southern Florida to our home here in the “Heart of it All” Ohio. I like the slogan. Close your eyes a little and squint at the shape of the state. It is slightly heart shaped. These days here it is a cold heart.
Sit back and relax while I whine a little about the Ohio winter made worse by visiting Florida in late January. I am just starting to understand the snowbird phenomenon and why Delta Airlines has direct flights from Cincinnati to Naples, Florida bypassing their home port Atlanta, Georgia which is actually on the way.
When Cheryl was still here, winter weather was terrifying for two reasons. The first was obvious. She did not move well with her Parkinson ailment, so, any slippery surface was an opportunity for a catastrophic fall. She did not think well with her dementia ailment, so the winter darkness brought on strange behaviors that I did my best to help her cope with. We did many late night drives around a four mile loop I invented on the fly to take her home because her sun-downers syndrome convinced her that she was not home. Once I took a different path “home” and she told me, “This isn’t the way home.” I never varied from my original route after that comment.
I am not terrified of Ohio winter any longer. Inconvenienced perhaps. Uninterested in winter sports perhaps. There is a great sledding hill just across the street on an old abandoned golf course but I am not going there.
Going for a walk is inconvenient. Most folks just shovel off the driveway if they shovel anything at all.
Going for a bike ride is out of the question for similar reasons to those of walking. Many drivers are incompetent at that in normal daylight dry conditions. Cabin fever makes them aggressive it seems or maybe they are upset that the dairy guy is unable to refill the shelves in a timely manner and they will miss out. FOMO sires aggressiveness. Bicycle riders be damned. And it is too cold in any case, I am a warm weather rider.
Mostly winter anywhere is just gray while the world awaits the return of the sunlight and warmth. The view of the woods from my living room window will be bleak and gray for a few weeks more. And just as I am thinking these sad thoughts, a cardinal appears in view outside of that window and lifts my spirits.
He is wearing his best late winter plumage. He is looking for a mate. His distinctness against the gray and white is fantastical. He whispers change is coming. He cheeps a little because there are no females in this woods. He is off again.
This picture is from my trail camera that Debbie gave me for Christmas.
Often I hear people make statements about ideas they believe to be true. What is it within us that excites us to passionately argue for some idea that is merely opinion, our opinion, no one else’s opinion.
If I miss-type opinion it comes out onion. Onions are bulb root veggies that grow in layers. Onions become metaphors, plant metaphors, for other thoughts and ideas.
“That is just wrong on so many layers!” Have ever heard that comment? I have. I have made that comment before about something. What does that mean to you?
To me it merely means that the nuances of some idea are wrong.
Recently I posted on Facebook, the fact based forum where anybody may post any comment about any idea or article, the link to an article from the New York Times. My opening comment: “Remarkable in many ways… Makes you understand why he called previous guy sleepy Joe. I hadn’t thought about before but Donnie is like Elvis – he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere! He’s in Joan Rivers but he’s trying to get out!” set off an unintended firestorm of commentary among my grandchildren and their great uncle. Other family and friends leaped into the breach to defend, contrast, explain and even chastise the poster.
Admittedly I did not read the complete article. I did look at and read the pictures associated with it. That cursory examination supported my own view that once the weather forecast happened and the latest Donald Trump comments went by, there was little of interest to me on the morning news shows. I observed that our current president seems almost despondent if he is not leading the headlines.
It sounds unkind to my own ear when I write that but this assumption of mine is based on facts very much in evidence by the New York Times as well as other news sources. Mr. Trump refers to any derogatory news article as fake news – but is not all news gossip?
Much like the wizard in Dorothy’s dream about Oz, who says, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” Mr. Trump diverts attention as much as he is able when the gossip is unflattering and attracts attention when it suits. Occasionally he has fired the messenger. It is great entertainment.
John F. Kennedy embraced the media of television when it suited him. Franklin Roosevelt’s medium was radio. Donald Trump embraces social media and select interviewers on select networks. Part of the entertainment value is listening to reporters inane questions and hearing his peculiar insults when they ask questions that although impertinent are meaningful. On his social media platform Truthsocial he can ignore any commentary and take the pulse of his supportive base. On camera he is compelled to respond regardless.
I started with opinions and onions. Some onions are sweet and other onions are, well, oniony. Onions build themselves in layers as they develop. Opinions develop differently and similarly. Opinions do not require facts to develop. Opinions do require support but not necessarily facts.
Facts solidify opinions either pro or con.
I have read the complete article.
The victorious man in the day of crisis is the man who has the serenity to accept what he cannot help and the courage to change what must be altered. – Reinhold Niebuhr
At certain times in a time of creativity it is. Yes it can.
I have not been good at blocking throughout my life. I must learn that, the ability to block certain times for certain activities and to block out other thoughts while doing those activities, is helpful to following creative thought.
“Human life revolves around four big questions: What is the meaning of life? What is the ultimate source of right and wrong? How can we reduce the amount of suffering and injustice in the world? How can we understand the world without resorting to magic, using reason and evidence instead? – Jonathan Rauch.” I read this in David Brook’s column in the New York Times. What does that have to do with “too busy”? Throughout my life (and career as a controls designer) I found that when I was up against a particularly vexing problem – dilemma, conundrum – simply walking away mentally for awhile helped with finding a solution or at least a path towards one. Some would call this prayer. I think of prayer as a literal request, so, I do not. (Maybe I should think of prayer differently – a different topic.) Although I am not good at blocking, there are too many devices nearby, I am able to about-face my mind and focus entirely on something very different. Jonathan’s list groups some of the topics hovering in the background that jump into the foreground when I let my mind wander off the vexation.
These are all deep enduring thought exercises. If I truly want to abandon rational thought for awhile I ponder the meaning of Facebook, TikTok and X.
Writing these small blog posts help me to disengage for a bit.
Simply disabling the ringer on the mobile phone is remarkably satisfying.
Life is too busy.
I want to devote more time to writing. I want to devote more time to travel. I want to devote more time to service others. I want to do more me before there is less me to do it.
Various lines left from the past for us to understand today.
Reading the editor’s notes in poetry magazine, I noted that she made reference to Gilgamesh. In my technical education I was not exposed much if at all old and ancient writings. This fact became apparent to me when I walked into take the MAT test cold while I was working on my M Ed. Over the past twenty years or so if someone made reference to some old work or an author with which or whom I was unfamiliar, my inclination is to find that work or another work by the same author to familiarize myself with the style.
So it is with Gilgamesh. I found a volume on Amazon.
“The strongest of men will fall to fate if he has no judgment.”
This lesson (take away) from the story of Gilgamesh has been translated from a Babylonian clay tablet that was carved 900ish years BCE. This is I think the earliest known discussion of the death of common sense.
Reading about Gilgamesh who is two thirds god and one third man running around chasing down Enkidu who was living the good life like Tarzan or the roman twins brought to light the quoted comment from the gods shown above.
It is a cobbled up story about how Enkidu came to be. As it turns out, Gilgamesh was a stinker running around grabbing stuff even if he did not need it. That activity tends to use up all your kudos and the people get grumpy about it. Common folk started looking for a way to get rid of Gilgamesh so they can be in peace. They – the people – were feeling jilted and put upon. (Good king Wenceslas has run amok.) They talked to their god(s) who then talked to another group of designer gods who got the creator god on the phone. She, her name is Aruru, was told by the design team, you messed that up (Gilgamesh) so fix it.
Aruru invented Enkidu so that Gilgamesh (Gil) would have a playmate and leave the regular folks out of it. To make it seem plausible Gil had to do more conquerings. (We do a similar thing today. If you get assigned a drug that has (a) crappy side effect(s) there is also a drug to treat the side effect(s).) The story goes on to tell about various conquerings after Gilgamesh and Enkidu become mates and spend time doing the random conquerings. They do not spend much time thinking about the consequences of their conquerings. Eventually stuff turns to crap because the infrastructure is not being maintained. The flood happens. Etc.
The book of Genesis seems to be the same story with a few more begats in it and a little more specificity instead of leaving the story of everything up to a few random gods. The term god means starter person. In the beginning there had to have been starter people. Those early folks who through random chance developed the fire gene.
Once they developed fire, the world went rapidly crazy from there. Food tasted better. Drinks were better. Try making whiskey with cold water. Or try making bread without an oven. Smelting metals from ore is especially hard to do without fire, a really hot one. Wars became easier to fight with spears and swords and knives and arrows. It was easier to hunt when the war was on pause. Better longer lasting food led to affluence which led to opulence which led to pondering the universe and the why of it all. Steam was invented and that got rid of that annoying job of rowing and rigging the sails when not rowing. On and on it goes.
These days there is AI (arbitrary innocence, automated ignorance, artificial intelligence, you pick) which allegedly will either save us or kill us all and the grumpy folks are talking (still) to the gods. Where is Aruru?
The strongest of men will fall to fate if he has no judgment.
Throughout man’s existence the smart money has been on the guys who looked at all sides of some action before leaping into it with both feet. Fate in this instance is random happenstance. Planning is important. Even with all the planning fate can jump up and bite you in the left cheek while you are moving by it.
Maybe it is true. Stories must be told and retold over and over and again and again.
A gnat is any of several species of small flying insects that magically appear in the late spring and stick around until late autumn. Here and there they show up without seemingly any help from anyone. It is truly magical. Tiny life, once not here and then here.
I thought of this while waiting for the Nespresso to complete this morning. I was watching one of God’s creatures hop across the kitchen counter nearby as my cup was filling. To be honest, I was focused on whether it was a gnat or one of the floaters that occasionally appear in my vision. Gnat it was.
Imagine the world we live in from the view of the gnat. Big does not begin to describe it.
Imagine your universe … big does not…
This is the kind of thought experiment that I have when I allow myself to do it. We are all here doing the same thing. – Eat, survive, stay alive, reproduce. Why do we spend so much time getting in front of each other? If the hope was I would answer this question so that it could be rebutted with opulent dismissiveness, I cannot. I cannot answer why many are willing to advance unwanted or unasked for interference. I cannot answer why we cannot merely be present for each other.
Gnat is a term that means small fly. There are many species of tiny insects that are referred to as gnats in a general sense. Gnat is a generic term. Gnat is a stereotypical term. Stereotypes are assessments of a small group and extension of those assumptions to a larger group with a bias toward that larger group. The bias often comes from a sense of envy.
In the New Testament there is a story about an owner of an olive grove who hires day labor several times a day to pick his olives. At the end of the day the guys who worked all day became grumpy that they were not paid more than the guys that had only picked olives for a couple hours. They expected their deal to change simply because the olive grove owner was generous to the late comers. The early group was envious of the late comers good fortune.
Envy is a powerful force in life. Envy is all mental. The guys who worked all day could have celebrated the two hour workers’ good fortune instead of mourning their own perceived misfortune but they did not. They chose to be grumpy. The olive grove owner admonished them for their grumpiness.
Everywhere in the world people, animals, insects, plants, fungi are doing the same thing – eat, survive, stay alive, reproduce. Seemingly not recognizing that our fellow people, animals, insects, plants, fungi are doing the same. Recognizing that we are all doing the same thing in life brings peace to the soul. Some would call that woke, a slang term that intends to demean the idea of compassion for our fellow man. Peace only comes with the awareness of the needs of others.
We are all human on Earth with the same needs.
We are all gnats or smaller in the universe. Our needs do not change nor do others.
Joe Biden, Jake Tapper, Alex Thompson — Biden’s health
Watching the morning news show on CBS I found myself listening to an interview with Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson both journalistic authors of a new book about health issue cover ups by the Biden staff towards the last couple years of his term in office. The point of their conversation was transparency in cognitive health of the president and other leaders in our society. Certainly, I believe, a worthwhile pursuit. Being President or serving on the SCOTUS or any other high level position in our government is cognitively stressful. It seems useful to weed out the mentally deficient, sociopaths and other mental health issues.
But how to determine the clarity of the transparency? And who to lend definitive definition to the mental issues and the transparency of the communication? A conundrum indeed.
My mind wandered off into the weeds of “Is this news? Is this gossip? And What is the difference?” I generally turn on the morning news show for companionship. I feel no strong desire to do so when others are present.
Yesterday, when Debbie was here and, although she was here, out of habit I turned on the news. We spent some time watching the show and she pointed out that I talk back during the show. It is as though I am having a conversation with the TV. It made me smile and I believe that news and gossip are names for the same activity.
When the TV folks invented TV news, it was profound and important. Edward R. Murrow and the like made it so. George Clooney is on Broadway memorializing it. But is it not merely gossip in an official form? The term gossip demeans the news reporting activity. Fake news explains to everyone which way we lean in the political landscape. (What is a political landscape? Sorry.) Is politics another form of gossip? Or is it merely advertising and selling one’s belief structure?
I am really in a deep rabbit hole this morning.
Merriam-Webster’s thesaurus, I have had a red covered one to go with my college dictionary of the same vintage for a long time but find the online version most convenient and worthy of support, displays these as useful synonyms for news: information; info; story; announcement; tidings; rumor; item; advice(s); message; intelligence; gen; word; bulletin; uncos; reportage; communication; tale; gossip; 411; feedback; tidbit; dispatch; correspondence; scoop; tip; lowdown; propaganda; tidbit; dope; tattle; disinformation. Gen, uncos and 411 have a special use in the British, Scottish and slang genres. Gossip is in the list.
The gossip entry in the same volume does not display news as a synonym for gossip. It is no doubt a unilateral relationship. Gossip can be either news or olds (repetitive stories). The term news implies something that is a new story and is factual. Gossip can have facts but those are not a requirement. Alternative facts and opinion may be presented as substance.
With Tapper and Thompson and the CBS morning crew the conversation leapt from news – they wrote a book – to we should do something about the less than forthrightness of discussion of health issues of the leadership. This last is most worthy of discussion but perhaps in a different forum. Perhaps a thoughtful show presented by a news oriented organization but not the early morning slot it got between the latest Mission Impossible movie hype and yesterday’s CBS Deals shopping segment. I find it hard to believe Nate changed his suit that fast. Why would he?
The morning news shows are just gossip after the opening fifteen minutes of weather disaster, shootings, the Trump spot and war images.
The gossip is more interesting but there is more to the day than that. I will move on.
Adjunct_Wizard 