Food Therapy

To Sit or Not to Sit

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To sit or not to sit that is the inaction.

That is the thought that jumped into my head as I pondered life’s choices and what we make of them when we make them.

The young man yesterday morning who in his zeal to get through the intersection on the Yellow traffic signal even though it was obvious that he had no chance of clearing the intersection before the Red because the service truck before him was also in the intersection blocking it chose to ignore his surroundings and become an asshat. (Was that judgmental of me? I chose to be judgmental just then.) I praised him for his eagerness to get his workplace twenty milliseconds faster as the rest of us became 20 minutes late while I waited to turn left through his driver-side door.

The Rule of Lines: The other line always moves faster.

  • 1st corollary: Switching lines (a choice) removes the delay in the queue you entered originally
  • 2nd corollary: Switching back (a second choice) much like Schrodinger’s cat screws it up for everyone.

Choices have consequences. Own them and learn from them.

All the time I am writing this and thinking about these I have stalled my original task I set for myself of going to the grocery store. Sometimes choices that need to be made are distasteful. Today for me that is pushing a grocery cart.

Cheryl taught me to make a list before entering the store. Mom just went to see what interested her. Her attraction to Sam’s Club was the idea that one could snack their way around the store. This idea was adopted by the Thriftway store that I would take her to when she had coerced me into doing it. I have found that Cheryl’s list method works well along side of Mom’s spontaneous want method for me.

It appears that I am fretting before doing. This attitude will keep one at home idling while the rest of the world moves on.

Carpe Diem.

Yesterday

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Two days ago I tripped over this recipe from the New York Times for an apple tahini tart. I wondered what tahini could possibly be. That thought led me down the rabbit hole of reading and cooking. It is my favorite sort of hole to fall into. I can be lost for hours.

Tahini is merely toasted sesame seeds and some oil. I found a recipe and method for making my own from scratch. When I was finished the product had the consistency of peanut butter and a similar albeit milder flavor. I should back up a bit. After reading the entire NYT recipe and how to create my own tahini, I looked through my larder. Low and behold I had everything except for apples. (Apples generally do not last long in my house.) Off to the store for more on Sunday morning I went.

I made the tahini on Saturday and refrigerated it overnight. On Sunday I made the pastry and placed it in the refrigerator as directed to rest a couple hours while I went to the grocery store to find apples. IGA had Pink Lady apples just as I had hoped for when reading the recipe. (I become ecstatic when I can find all the exact ingredients to make a new recipe the first time.)

When I made the tahini sauce by mixing the tahini with the other ingredients I covered it with a piece of waxed paper to keep out any small fliers that seem to appear when I bring in tomatoes from the small garden we have. I asked Cheryl (I could feel her nearby.) where did you put the rubber bands? I could use one to put around the top of this container of sauce. I found the Rubbermaid leftover tubful of rubber bands that I had recovered from her office several months ago and carried it from my office into the kitchen. When I opened it to find a suitable elastic band I found also a note from Cheryl.

A yellow post it note was wrapped around a flash-drive with the message “Sr. Pat” and a crossed out phone number. The flash-drive contained a video file that our grandson Max had put together some time ago. That video is a collection of early Christmas videos that his Dad made twenty years ago. I could not watch it all the way through until today when I could give myself time to react to the memories.

October is tomorrow and this is the time of year when Cheryl would start agitating to decorate for Christmas and I would resist (because I did not share her enthusiasm.) She sent me a message. “Christmas will be here before you know it!” she would say (and was saying this time.) I would argue that it is ONLY October. Thanksgiving has not happened yet! Today I argued that I had to finish this tart first!

This will be the first Christmas without her. I miss this discussion. I wonder how I will react to that fact in a few weeks. I wonder how I will react to the first Christmas without her in a few months.

Yesterday I put the flash-drive aside to finish assembling the the tart. Here is the end result.

I took it to my son’s house to consume after the football game. I will keep this recipe to do again with other fillings.

Tahini Apple Tart By Andy Baraghani Published in NYT website Sept. 16, 2024

For the dough
  • 1½ cups all-purpose flour, plus more as needed
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1¼ teaspoons kosher salt (such as Diamond Crystal)
  • ¾ cup/170 grams unsalted butter, cut into small cubes, chilled
  • Ice water, as needed
For the tahini spread
  • ⅓ cup tahini
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
  • 1 large egg
  • ¼ teaspoon kosher salt
Assembly and filling
  • 2 pounds crisp, tart apples such as Honeycrisp or Pink Lady (about 6 medium apples)
  • 1 tablespoon cider vinegar or lemon juice
  • 3 tablespoons sugar, plus more for sprinkling
  • 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
  • Heavy cream, for brushing
  • 1 to 2 tablespoons white sesame seeds
  • Vanilla ice cream, whipped cream or crème fraîche, for serving
  1. For the Dough: Whisk together the flour, sugar and salt in a large bowl. Dump in the cold butter and toss until coated in the flour mixture, separating any pieces that stick together. Use your fingers to smush and flatten each piece once.
  2. Drizzle ¼ cup ice water over the flour mixture. Repeatedly run your fingers through the mixture, as if rummaging through a drawer, until combined. The dough will start out looking dry then become very shaggy. Transfer to a clean work surface and use your palms to knead the dough together, forming a ball with no dry spots. You may need an additional tablespoon or two of ice water to help the dough come together, but even then it will be shaggy, not smooth or shiny.
  3. Wrap the dough with plastic wrap and use your hands to flatten it into a round disc about 1-inch thick. Chill for 2 hours or up to 3 days.
  4. Lightly dust a clean work surface with flour and roll out the dough, turning it to prevent it from sticking between rolls, into a 14-inch round. Gently gather both ends of the dough and transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet. Refrigerate the dough while you make the sesame spread and apple filling.
  5. For the sesame spread: Whisk the tahini, sugar, butter, egg and salt together in a medium bowl until smooth. (You can make the sesame spread 5 days ahead; just bring to room temperature before using, so it spreads easily.) [Ask Cheryl where the rubber bands are located.]
  6. For the filling: Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Peel, core and thinly slice the apples (see Tip). Toss the apple slices, vinegar, sugar and the cardamom together in a large bowl until the sugar feels like it has dissolved.
  7. Remove the dough from the fridge and plop the sesame spread in the center. Use the back of a spoon to evenly distribute the sesame spread, leaving a 2-inch border. Arrange the apples on top in whatever manner you like. Fold the edges of the dough over the apples to form the crust, then brush the dough with heavy cream and sprinkle with sesame seeds and more sugar.
  8. Bake on the bottom rack for 40 to 50 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through, until the crust is deeply golden brown and the apples are tender. Let cool for 20 minutes before slicing and serving with the topping of your choice.

I often bake bread in a convection bake and I started this tart in a convection oven. I got used to doing this in our old house. The temperature is uniform in a convection oven. After the first twenty minutes or so I rotated the cookie sheet that I had put the tart onto. I also changed the oven setting to bake from convection bake. I gave it a few minutes over the allotted time. As you can see from the photo it needed perhaps a short time under the broiler to get that golden brown color. I chose not to burn it.

David and I both pronounced it excellent.

Carpe Diem.

Food Therapy

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A good friend posted this recipe for her focaccia bread. — A few of you asked for my Focaccia bread recipe. Here you go: 

In a large bowl combine 4 cups of flour, plus 2 teaspoons each salt and yeast. Stir until dough comes together. Drizzle with a good olive oil and gather it into a rough ball. It will be quite moist. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator for 8 to 24 hours. When you remove the bowl, gently punch down the dough, drizzle with a little more oil and gather into another ball.  Take an 11 by 13 inch pan, spread olive oil all over the bottom and sides of the pan. Press the dough to the edges of the pan.  Let sit for 30-60 minutes (some recipes suggest 2-4 hours).  Sprinkle fresh rosemary leaves on top. Drizzle more olive oil on the surface. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.  Using all ten fingers dimple the dough until it has small depressions all over it.  Drizzle a little more olive oil and bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from pan to a cooling rack. Cut into shapes of your choosing. Serve with butter or olive oil and herbs. Enjoy. See my post from earlier today to see photos.

Always up for a good challenge I noticed that Robyn didn’t mention any liquid other than oil. Her ingredients will need about 16 ounces to get a dough. Many years of making my own bread tells me this. I made it last night before I went to bed,  oiled my bowl put the dough ball in after kneading for a few minutes. I drizzled more oil on top, covered with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator overnight.

Robyn sprinkled it with olive oil and fresh rosemary. Alas I was out of fresh rosemary leaves, so I adjusted.

I cut the dough in half after letting it warm up to room temperature for about an hour or so. One half I put in the freezer for a couple of days later.  Dough freezes well. It will keep a couple of weeks.

The other half I rolled out a little  and pulled it into a 10 by 14 roasting sheet that I use a lot. I previously spread olive oil on the pan and after helping the dough into the corners, I covered it with oil and wax paper and let it sit about 2 hours. During the last 30 minutes I chiffonaded some spinach, diced an onion and a green pepper, found my jar of minced garlic. I spread more olive oil on top and decorated the surface.

After decorating the dough…it is ready for cheeses.

Alas again I am out of fresh Romano. Another adjustment to my normal pizza activity. I forgot to mention that I intended to use Robyn’s recipe for focaccia and make a white pizza. I sprinkled the veggies with a combination of mozzarella, Colby-jack and parmesan.

Into the  450 degree oven for 10 – 12 minutes.

Good pizza is made in a very hot oven. My oven only goes to 500 degrees Fahrenheit. 10 – 12 minutes at 450 works pretty good.

Out of the oven after 12 minutes.

I let it rest long enough for me to touch the pan to cut it.

Leftovers. Nice.

I cut the remaining into four pieces and put them into a ziploc bag in the fridge. I think that they will reheat okay. The dough soaked up a fair amount of the olive oil. Letting it rest overnight coupled with the two teaspoons of salt gives the dough a sourdough taste and chew to it.

Overall an excellent choice for homemade pizza or focaccia.

Robyn’s product.

Thanks Robyn.

Carpe Diem.

Catfish Friday

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Many years ago when I was still working our company had installed a machine in a manufacturing company in Glasgow Kentucky. If it was necessary to visit this customer I would try to steer the meeting to Friday because it was Catfish Friday at Annie’s Kitchen in Glasgow. That memory came to me today when I ordered the catfish in the Drake cafeteria for lunch today.

I do not remember when I was last to Annie’s but it has been quite awhile. The fish at the cafeteria was pretty good but the fish at Annie’s place was exquisite.  I do not eat a lot of fish. I live in Ohio.

Lent is upon us and many churches, restaurants and volunteer firehouses have fish fries during lent. For many years that was our Friday(s) in Lent. Go to the fish fry and visit with friends and be Catholic like the old days when we were children for a time.

The pandemic pandemonium killed that all off for a time. And afterward Cheryl was less and less able to navigate the cafeteria and the commotion.

I miss that. Today I had fried catfish for lunch. (Okra and cornbread, too.)

Carpe Diem

Ice Cream

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This morning my thoughts turned to ice cream. Cheryl and I often went out for ice cream in the evening. In two smaller suburbs there was a Dairy Queen in one – she likes Oreo Blizzards – and Aglemessis Bros. which is a small local ice cream and confectionery. She likes black raspberry chocolate chip.

There is a very good story about the second store. many years ago when Cheryl was still working one of her coworkers would have what she referred to as “Grandma’s Camp”. She invited the grandchildren to stay with her for a week in the summer individually so that she could get to know each child without the distraction of the others and the bigger family around that would be there during big family gatherings. Cheryl decided that this was a good, bordering on great idea.

Audrey, Anna’s third child, stayed with us during this episode of our life adventure when she was about seven years. I am unsure exactly how old she was but it suffices to say she was a young child. She was a very early reader which became apparent when I took her with me to visit my mother at the independent living situation she was staying in to help organize her meds for another week. Audrey read some of the names of the medications and was asking me what various ones were for. Mom took a bunch of stuff.

Afterward I took her to Aglemessis Bros. for ice cream. This store has an old fashioned soda fountain style counter in it that you can sit at and watch the folks (soda jerks) dish up the ice cream and sodas. We sat there. There is a big board on the wall listing all of the flavors and other less important information about price. There is also a menu of sundaes and other goodies in addition to a display case for various chocolate delights and chunky chocolate all sold buy the pound. It is a chocoholic addict’s downfall. Audrey looked up at the board and said to me, ” Grampaw, they have chocolate chocolate chip!” I responded yes they do and you can probably get hot fudge on top if you want that also. I did not know at the time that my granddaughter was a chocolate fan like me. (It makes me smile inside when I recall this experience.)

I think she got chocolate sauce on her two scoops of double chocolate chip ice cream as did I and we sat with satisfaction as we ate and watched the activity behind the counter. I suppose that is why I particularly enjoyed bringing Cheryl to the Aglemessis store. It always reminds me of this story. I think tomorrow perhaps I will see if I can bring Cheryl some black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream from there.

From a precocious, chocolate loving, early reading, intelligent young girl to a beautiful young woman, when I think of Cheryl and I going to Aglemessis Bros. for ice cream, I think of Audrey and chocolate chocolate chip.

Carpe Diem.

Every Morning and Every Evening

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Every morning when I wake up alone I miss her physical presence. As I get up from bed I sit for a few minutes and listen to my heart and I can sense her. I suppose a very long life of being together does that to me. Our souls are intertwined and connected through the ether. I sense her while doing whatever wake up routine I have decided upon for the day. I do not know if that is strange or normal.

Usually it is coffee and some variety of breakfast food. Today it was merely toast made from a loaf of bread that I made a day or so ago. I futz around and shower, shave and brush my teeth. I make the bed and find some clothes to wear. Today is a holiday so I have spent time making croissants to go with dinner tonight. Those are almost done rising. I am delaying as much I am able because every morning about 10 AM or so I long to visit Cheryl and touch her.

These days she is sleeping later and I do not want to disturb that slumber. If she was still at home with me I would be getting louder doing whatever futzing I conjured for myself. I would be frustrated that she was not up yet so that I could work my breakfast magic on her. It is now about 11 AM and I am feeling anxious to go and visit with her at Bridgeway Pointe. I am also pretty sure she is still sleeping or at least dozing gently and not very interested in awakening. (Today I delayed until afternoon and when I arrived she was eating lunch. )

Today is Christmas. To me that means gathering with family and enjoying the company. Listening to the grand children and discovering what their interests are. Are there any new boyfriends? Girlfriends? Jobs? Changes in trajectory of their lives? Sometimes they are too busy to talk to grampaw – gotta go! This year there is a gap in my heart. I will not have Cheryl with me at this afternoon gathering.

In an effort to get my head in the game I have been listening to a Christmas playlist from Spotify. Many of these songs are new and remakes of older songs. Many seem to have the theme of love and joy at the birth of a child who will save us all. Many talk of love lost or at least gone awry for now. I do not think it is working.

In the evening I have the same thoughts and feelings. I can sense her even though she is not physically with me. I felt that very strongly last night as a got home from my son’s house. He has the smallest grand kiddo. Small people do not bring any baggage with them to holiday celebrations and that is good for us old people who do.

The croissants are cooling now. I will go and see how Cheryl is today.

Carpe Diem.

Turnovers

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As in turn over a new leaf or turn over you are snoring? Nope these are turnovers made with croissant dough, egg wash and, in this case, cherry pie filling left over from another project.

In my father’s family there was this undertone at family gatherings that one should eat dessert first because as we all know, “One cannot predict the time or place of one’s death.” That is for the big man upstairs.Recently I rediscovered my copy of “Baking with Julia” a cookbook in the same vein as her old shows where she demonstrates how to do things. This book is dedicated to bread and pastries. I tend to wander off and experiment with variations on a theme.

About two weeks ago feeling full of ennui I decided to follow the croissant dough recipe and make croissants. Buttery flaky pastry dough has been a mystery for me. I have made bread for many years and each time I do I am amazed at two things; why I continue to buy store bread from commercial bakeries and how long the commercial bakery bread will last while I am eating up the last of the loaf I previously baked.

Following Julia’s explicit detail I mixed up a simple sweet dough and placed it into the fridge overnight. With it I beat up a pound of butter (18 oz. actually) with some flour and shaped it into an oval shape about an inch think and placed it in the fridge overnight. This was a two day activity. Not as big of a time commitment as making sourdough but much more demanding physically and definitely more satisfying mentally.

The croissants tasted great but had no great beauty to them. I used part of the dough to create a fruit pocket style coffee cake but the dough was wrong for that. Danish dough is better for the fruit pocket.

The last of the dough I used to make turnovers. These are great. I rolled the last of the dough out into a 12 inch by 12 inch square, cut it into quarters and folded the dough over a glop of cherry pie filling. I glued the dough together with some egg wash and pressed the edges down with a fork. All are painted with egg wash before going into a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes. When they came out I drizzled them with Virginia Bakery roll icing which is just confectioners sugar with more sugar and a little water. These are good. I will do them again.

Carpe Diem, but do not forget to eat dessert first.

Rye Bread & Cooking for Myself

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Yesterday my daughter suggested that I might like to come to a school concert in which her youngest daughter was playing in the band. I decided that I could sit home and mope around or I could go to watch my granddaughter play her trumpet. I decided on the school concert.

Making bread, for me, is great therapy. After the concert we returned to Anna’s house to hang out for a little while. Eric had gone to a convention for collection of baseball cards and other baseball memorabilia. He is as is his son a fan of baseball. Eric was showing me some of his purchases. He was beaming with delight. I teased him about being a super fan. He replied that you have to have something that will take your mind away from daily things that are less desirable to think about. Those are not his words exactly but the intent of the words. For me that activity that takes me away is bread and baking and by extension cooking.

Yesterday when I returned from visiting Cheryl. I made Rye bread.This recipe from King Arthur is a favorite. Rather than find where I stashed it last time I printed it again and followed it exactly which is something I rarely do.

There is relief in kneading dough. It is much like getting a great back massage. There is aroma therapy from the oven as it bakes. There is anticipation removing it from the oven. There is blindness for a bit as the oven releases the steam from baking onto my glasses.

I set the bread to cool on a rack and went back to visit Cheryl who was struggling with resting and going to bed at night after having spent the previous night and early morning in the ER from falling Saturday night. With the nurse’s help I got Cheryl into her bed.

I am leaving in a few minutes to find out how well she slept overnight. When I left her she was laying on her left side as she did with me at home. I got a good look at the bruise on her face from hitting her head when she fell.

Breathe in. Breath out. Move on. Bake bread if you are able. Love deeply always. Take notice those around you who need help. Ask them if you can help.

Carpe Diem.

Gamache (Louise Penny) and Croissants

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“Grief is love with no place to go.” says Armand to a young killer. Amazon Videos has made shows out of several of the stories written by some of my favorite authors.

Watching one of these videos the other night while waiting for my croissants to fluff up for the oven, this quote jumped out at me.

I think I am feeling that these days. Baking can be therapeutic. It is a hobby I have perused for many years. When My sister came to visit a couple weeks ago I made her pot roast one evening. It was great and I used the leftover mashed potatoes in a recipe I have for potato bread. That turned out great. Something I have not tried to do but I now have the time for is croissants and other pastry.

Yesterday I made some croissants. (Why is there two sses in croissant?) Here is a image of my first effort. I took them to Cheryl this morning but she was sleeping.

I also need more practice with the croissants. The other half of the croissant dough is resting in the freezer waiting for me to become inspired to try it again. I think maybe a hotter oven and proof the yeast a bit when I start the dough. The recipe I was following used wet (cake) yeast which I do not have. Perhaps further experimentation with technique. These two out of ten turned out okay – not bad for a first effort.

Holy cow they are rich. There is a whole pound of butter in this recipe.

Carpe Diem.

Admission Of…

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What is a good way for me personally to think about, meditate, ponder my own feelings and emotions as Cheryl adjusts to her new environment? I have expressed to others that this change in our lives seems harder on me than her. It is merely a perception but she has adapted and accepts her new digs as hers.

I admitted to myself a few days ago that I felt guilt and doubt about getting Cheryl into Bridgeway Pointe’s Memory care unit. I now think it was the best decision we could make for ourselves. Many people including the nursing staff at Bridgeway have asked me how I am doing.

Dealing with feelings of emptiness…

I feel empty. It is as though a death has occurred.

Every day, all day up until November 15, 2023 Cheryl occupied my waking thoughts. On November 14th she moved into Bridgeway Pointe’s Harbor section room 137. She did not leave my heart but she left. Things were still happening on the 14th but on the 15th when I woke up, I did not have to take care of anybody but me. My day was suddenly empty.

I went to get a haircut and get the oil changed in the car. Two things that I had put off because I either did not remember to do it until it was too late in the day or I could not focus on the day to day activities that one has to do to keep it all moving forward. As I drove off to do those chores I said to myself out loud in the car that I could do whatever today and one of those whatevers could be visit Cheryl.

I suddenly felt empty again. I really hate eating alone.

Connections to others…

For some time now I have focused all my energy on Cheryl and her needs. It is time to reconnect with other friends and acquaintances and lament the lack of a life long friendship with anyone other than my wife.

Perhaps it is time to make new friendships. Have lunch. Drink a beer or two and watch a football game.

Turned inward toward Cheryl for so long…

I was and am still so focused on Cheryl and assuring myself that she is happy and we cared for I was unable to accept the fact that others may be able to do better for her than I could.

I have visited with her each day since she moved in. There is actually nothing for me to do but visit. That is fine but she is off in her own thoughts and delusions most of the day. Once she told me that I needed to take care of myself. (She has little periods of lucidity.)

I cannot always distinguish between watery eyes and simple ego. Both make it hard to see. Ego takes a lot of side stepping to see around. It really blocks the view. Watery eyes distort the view much like looking through a piece of skrim.

What is next?

For now I will devote more time to my part time activity at Mason. There are many things that I want to make sure work correctly for the red level control activities.

I want to write about our experiences more. I may back away from my blog for a bit. Writing about Cheryl and her affect on my heart is still too much. It gives me watery eyes.

I want to set up a work area in my little office space. I have always been interested in electronic things and gadgets. I need to set up a space to do those things – whatever they are.

Today I made bread. Baking is a hobby. I will have to be careful since I am the only one to eat anything I bake. Perhaps I can find others to give my baking to and make a new connection.

Carpe Diem is a motto I need to apply to myself.