My search for grace and meaning after a former care partnering life with a wife who suffered from Parkinson's disease and dementia giving her a confused and disorienting world.
One of the hidden benefits of my sister-in-law’s retirement from her lifelong private babysitting business is the fact that Zane her grandson often comes to help his mom spruce up my condo. Zane came yesterday and brought his rock collection. He is so proud of it.
I have many magnification devices and he had none, so, I gave him one of mine so that he could further explore his collection and expand his knowledge of his world. I also gave him a special Rubbermaid rock case to house his collection. He seemed satisfied with both
I snapped a few photos of the future STEM student. I am hoping that Zane will come to help his mom often. And I hope he will keep up his interest in geology.
It is unlikely that his interest in rocks will last throughout his lifetime but it might. Maybe many years from now when I am gone he will remember the good time he had yesterday examining his collect with the special magnifying glass Uncle Paul gave him.
Scott figured out the exposure controls on his phone and took this picture. All I got was a blob of white light. The corona is still quite bright and phones have poor optics.
Leading up to and leading away from the time of totality, the light takes on an odd quality. In much the same fashion as just after a fierce rain storm, a thunderstorm, the light is oddly yellowish. It is dimmer of course but it is diminished and yellowish.
After the eclipse, young people’s conversation was about other things in their lives. My thoughts were about what I had just witnessed. I think I was a little awestruck and underneath the complete shadow, I felt a little sad. The sadness passed quickly as the awe took over.
After the eclipse shadow passed over us the newly blooming tulips where opening back up. The plants had closed their eyes for the night when the moon blocked out the sun.
Sunlight was dim but getting brighter. Little half moons appeared where the sunlight filtered through the bushes nearby.
Mostly though my thoughts went to Cheryl. Cheryl was fascinated with astrological phenomena. I was saddened that I could not enjoy the spectacle with her. I spent some time thinking of her reaction and discussing what we saw. We talked at length about how magnificent the corona appeared once the moon completely shut off the rays of the sun. She noted that she felt chilly when the shadow of the moon was directly overhead. (I am glad she did not need me to get her jacket from the car.) I told her that I noticed that the wind had kicked up somewhat . I supposed because the air was cooler. Many but not all of the birds stopped chattering to each other. I asked her if she had noticed the eerie sunset like quality to the horizon in all directions. This was unexpected for me.
Perhaps this is a way to mentally deal with grief, just simply talk to her. Later when I go to find the northern lights she can see them with me.
Falling down and injuring myself has captured my thoughts for the time being. Some lessons can only be learned from one’s own experience.
The first and maybe the most important one is pretty straightforward. I am older than my brain is willing to accept. Maybe I should be more careful about things. Not surprisingly I am much less athletic than I used to be when I was a younger man.
The second is no longer will I focus on strength training. Exercise focus will be endurance and balance based. If the particular exercise helps with those things I will include it. Biking and yoga are two exercise activities that I am drawn to in particular .
The third idea is perhaps I should seek out help to deal with ongoing grief.
A good friend posted this recipe for her focaccia bread. — A few of you asked for my Focaccia bread recipe. Here you go:
In a large bowl combine 4 cups of flour, plus 2 teaspoons each salt and yeast. Stir until dough comes together. Drizzle with a good olive oil and gather it into a rough ball. It will be quite moist. Cover the bowl and place in the refrigerator for 8 to 24 hours. When you remove the bowl, gently punch down the dough, drizzle with a little more oil and gather into another ball. Take an 11 by 13 inch pan, spread olive oil all over the bottom and sides of the pan. Press the dough to the edges of the pan. Let sit for 30-60 minutes (some recipes suggest 2-4 hours). Sprinkle fresh rosemary leaves on top. Drizzle more olive oil on the surface. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Using all ten fingers dimple the dough until it has small depressions all over it. Drizzle a little more olive oil and bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from pan to a cooling rack. Cut into shapes of your choosing. Serve with butter or olive oil and herbs. Enjoy. See my post from earlier today to see photos.
Always up for a good challenge I noticed that Robyn didn’t mention any liquid other than oil. Her ingredients will need about 16 ounces to get a dough. Many years of making my own bread tells me this. I made it last night before I went to bed, oiled my bowl put the dough ball in after kneading for a few minutes. I drizzled more oil on top, covered with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator overnight.
Robyn sprinkled it with olive oil and fresh rosemary. Alas I was out of fresh rosemary leaves, so I adjusted.
I cut the dough in half after letting it warm up to room temperature for about an hour or so. One half I put in the freezer for a couple of days later. Dough freezes well. It will keep a couple of weeks.
The other half I rolled out a little and pulled it into a 10 by 14 roasting sheet that I use a lot. I previously spread olive oil on the pan and after helping the dough into the corners, I covered it with oil and wax paper and let it sit about 2 hours. During the last 30 minutes I chiffonaded some spinach, diced an onion and a green pepper, found my jar of minced garlic. I spread more olive oil on top and decorated the surface.
After decorating the dough…it is ready for cheeses.
Alas again I am out of fresh Romano. Another adjustment to my normal pizza activity. I forgot to mention that I intended to use Robyn’s recipe for focaccia and make a white pizza. I sprinkled the veggies with a combination of mozzarella, Colby-jack and parmesan.
Into the 450 degree oven for 10 – 12 minutes.
Good pizza is made in a very hot oven. My oven only goes to 500 degrees Fahrenheit. 10 – 12 minutes at 450 works pretty good.
Out of the oven after 12 minutes.
I let it rest long enough for me to touch the pan to cut it.
Leftovers. Nice.
I cut the remaining into four pieces and put them into a ziploc bag in the fridge. I think that they will reheat okay. The dough soaked up a fair amount of the olive oil. Letting it rest overnight coupled with the two teaspoons of salt gives the dough a sourdough taste and chew to it.
Overall an excellent choice for homemade pizza or focaccia.
This is my favorite time of the year. These days in Ohio the white trees are blooming. Most of them look pretty. They seem a week or so early this year because we had a mild winter here in southern Ohio. Nevertheless, most of these trees are decorative Bradford pear trees and the surrounding countryside has an odd decaying carcass smell.
Later the redbuds will bloom. The daffodils and forsythia have been blooming solid for a week.
Opening the miscellaneous tools drawer in kitchen can send me down the rabbit hole just like Alice of rock song and wonder land. There are many things in this drawer. All of them have their own memories associated with them.
Before the move to our condo this drawer was much larger. We were less discriminating about which tools to keep and use. Following Cheryl’s ultra frugal idea of we might need it again, we kept many things. In her house as a child and even as we were dating in high school, her Mom kept throwaway plastic utensils. But we all have our little quirks. The picture above has two wire whisks in it because at some point in my life I decided I needed two. Rare has that occasion been but I still have two just in case that situation pops back up.
If I am going to mash potatoes I tend to reach for the handheld electric mixer in the next drawer over. It is way more efficient and quicker. Cheryl liked her mashed potatoes whipped up with a little milk and butter. There is the special two prong fork on the right side of the drawer (prongs are hidden) which is the only tool capable of determining if the potatoes have completed the boiling process. I learned so many cooking techniques from my wife. I can still hear her voice, “Get me the fork to check the potatoes.” Sometimes we would prepare a meal together but often she would shoe me out of the kitchen so that she could do things her way. We all have our ways.
Many nights cooking for myself I think her ways are better. And I was able to have a glass of wine and set the table. I think food tastes better if you do not have to do it yourself.
I did use the potato masher a couple times recently (in the last year) while following the meal preparation card that came with the Hello Fresh ingredients. Cheryl told me that she really does not care for sour cream in her mashed potatoes. “The garlic was okay but couldn’t we use milk and leave out the sour cream?”, she once asked. The potato masher was nestled back into the drawer never to come out again.
There are many stories associated with the implements shown in this drawer picture. The can opener came from a Magic Chef party held by a working friend of Cheryl who we met at Taste of Cincinnati. She was single and had leased an apartment in the old Shilito’s department store building downtown. It was a cute little apartment. I have repaired the handle several times. It has memories of better times associated with it.
As I was preparing to go visit Cheryl today, I pulled a ball cap off the shelf in my closet. Fifteen other hats fell on me. Those hats have a similar set of remembrance stories. Those are for another day.
I have a lot of extra time. Cheryl is being cared for at Bridgeway Pointe and I hunt for ways to fill my day. I take walks on good weather days, this is one of those. The Spring weather is warming. It is not warming fast enough for me. Every time I walk by my bike to get into the car to visit Cheryl I check the tires just because. My plan for the summer is to ride that bike as many days as I can fit into my open schedule.
This morning I was uninterested in the news of the day. Donald is going to badmouth Joe for eight more months. It is impossible to describe how uninterested I am with all of that. The primary in Ohio is March 19th. After that I will no longer hear about what stinkers Frank and Bernie are and the guy with the construction company may get to drive down and fix the wall. None of those guys are telling me what they plan to do make the world a better place. They are telling me what the other guy is incapable of doing. Politics is sport. Trash talk is here.
Losing interest in network television I woke up Prime video and eventually old TV shows appeared inside of the CBS app. Cheers is an old favorite. The theme song came on and took me back to long ago. Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? ….Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see our troubles are all the same.
I sat and watched the very first episode (I think) where the bar burns down at 2 AM in the morning after partying hard at a wedding. Afterward I told Alexa to find the theme song and it politely played that for me before switching to a collection of other TV show themes. Nostalgia on some days is good I think.
Stephen Curry was on the morning news yesterday for a bit. He wrote another children’s book. He commented that his theme is to leave the world a better place. I think that is a good life philosophy. I used to have as a goal to have the money run out about the time I did, but that is a low bar.
Perhaps, “Choose happiness and leave the world a better place than you found it. And when you start something, finish it.” is my new motto, philosophy, theme.
Spring is coming!
Carpe Diem!
—
Cheers Lyrics: Songwriters: Gary Portnoy / Judy Hart … Making your way in the world today Takes everything you’ve got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn’t you like to get away? … All those nights when you’ve got no lights The check is in the mail And your little angel Hung the cat up by it’s tail And your third fiance didn’t show … Sometimes you wanna go Where everybody knows your name And they’re always glad you came You wanna be where you can see (ah-ah) Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah) You wanna be where everybody knows your name … Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead The morning’s looking bright (the morning’s looking bright) And your shrink ran off to Europe And didn’t even write And your husband wants to be a girl Be glad there’s one place in the world … Where everybody knows your name And they’re always glad you came You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name … Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name) And they’re always glad you came Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name) And they’re always glad you came Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name) And they’re always glad you came Where everybody knows your name (where everybody knows your name)
I have always been a fan of haiku. Seventeen syllables to evoke an emotional connection to the earth and our surroundings. I am also a fan of sonnet but the rhythm and rhyming sequence often escapes me. Haiku is free verse, an emotion, a summary. It is a painting in words to me. I like to experiment with it.
new life persistent provides much beauty on gray wintertime background
Regardless of where we are or what we are doing or what trouble may concern us, Spring flowers appear in the landscape. Take notice of them. A new year of growth is here. Breathe in, breathe out, enjoy your surroundings. This year this lone forsythia left to grow wild in the woods behind our condo shows its beauty once again.
You were sleeping today when I came to visit. Sleeping so very soundly that I did not want to disturb you. I kissed you on the cheek like I usually do to tease you awake. I know that you do not like me to kiss you on the ear. You did not even stir, not one bit.
I sat in the rocker for a little bit to watch you breathe.
After a few more minutes I left you to rest and came home. As I was driving home I thought to write this letter to you. I have been listening to a collection of songs from Spotify entitled – Songs to Sing in the Shower. Pulling into the garage LeAnn Rimes started singing, “You Can’t Fight the Moonlight”. This line – “There’s no escaping love; Once the gentle breeze; Weaves its spell upon your heart” – stuck with me.
I suddenly realized how much I missed seeing you today. The past couple days you were alert and we were able to sit and hold hands quietly. Yesterday you put your head on my shoulder and we sat that way for awhile. I enjoyed that quiet time with you.
I think that touching you is more important to me than I admit to myself.
Many years ago when I was still working our company had installed a machine in a manufacturing company in Glasgow Kentucky. If it was necessary to visit this customer I would try to steer the meeting to Friday because it was Catfish Friday at Annie’s Kitchen in Glasgow. That memory came to me today when I ordered the catfish in the Drake cafeteria for lunch today.
I do not remember when I was last to Annie’s but it has been quite awhile. The fish at the cafeteria was pretty good but the fish at Annie’s place was exquisite. I do not eat a lot of fish. I live in Ohio.
Lent is upon us and many churches, restaurants and volunteer firehouses have fish fries during lent. For many years that was our Friday(s) in Lent. Go to the fish fry and visit with friends and be Catholic like the old days when we were children for a time.
The pandemic pandemonium killed that all off for a time. And afterward Cheryl was less and less able to navigate the cafeteria and the commotion.
I miss that. Today I had fried catfish for lunch. (Okra and cornbread, too.)
Adjunct_Wizard 