I just heard. Are YOU doing okay?

That question annoys me when coming from anyone other than close friends or family. My first thought is to say, of course I am not okay, you dumb shit. My wife, the love of my life, the person that makes me whole,  the place where I am home has gone to heaven and left me here to deal with the dumb shit questions about how I am doing. But, I do not respond that way. I merely respond with, I am okay most days.

That truth is how I think about it. Some times I am saddened when I think of Cheryl, however, most of the time I am happy for her. She was very ill. It would be better maybe great if she was still alive but not with the health situation she was in. She was sick. She was eating so little her body was consuming itself to stay alive. And although I feel guilty about admitting it, I am happy she died. She truly is in a better place. No bullshit about it. She knew she was dying for awhile. She told me about it a few months before her actual death.

We do not talk about death as a society. Christians believe in an afterwards. When this is done there is more and it is better. Other religions have similar beliefs. I personally am not so sure. (If it’s better afterwards why is it a sin to commit suicide?) Maybe Ronny Reagan is right. But what if he is not? Lots of philosophical ideas there. Plenty to think about.

Cheryl and I talked about it a couple of years ago. I think that it occurred to her that she needed to make her wishes known to me so that I could do it for her. After death discussions with Mom, it was not so upsetting to talk about it all with my wife. Cheryl was focused on the actual service. I was focused on the practicalities of burial and cremation. At the time she still had long periods of almost normal cognition and she recognized that it was lessening. Imagine how scary and upsetting that would have been to her. She never offloaded any of her personal grief about her disease on me. Looking back it was another kindness that she used to protect her family from sadness.

I wish I had spent more time with Cheryl talking about hymns and prayers. She cared greatly about the service. I wanted to ask her things when we had the meeting to discuss what and who. The kids were great. They knew Cheryl’s wishes. I suppose she was talking to them as well as me.

I started this thinking about how annoyed I am with the question about how I am doing. Cheryl just told me to be kind.  Most folks do not know what to say or how to respond to news about death. Mostly they are thinking, man, it must be hard. And it is but my perspective is different and I am doing okay mostly.

Michele Obama’s mother passed away recently. She was 86. No cause for her death was given. (said a stupid news reader.) Why is a cause important? Is there a solution to old age other than death?

Carpe this Diem and the rest that you are given.