Men Do Not Like Questions and Women Need Reassurance

That is a tag line that provokes thought. Debbie said that to me in a conversation we were having about I do not know what. It struck me as so true to stereotype I stopped to write it down in my notes app on my phone.

I observed the stereotype at work in an extra class I taught this spring at the community college. A logistics difficulty with the school caused me to take over a class that had been started by another instructor.

Young men in their all knowing way can plunge off into the abyss of I don’t need any help/I got this. In this case a little extra knowledge is helpful. They were building a control panel for the semester project. For one the magic smoke leaked out of a component. This is never good in electrical work. The young women, there were three, were unsure of their abilities and were more cautious. One told me one day, “I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing.”

I wrote to her at the end of the class my thoughts about her performance in the lab project portion of class. I do this for all of my students. I have done this since my student teaching days. I think of teaching and instructing as guiding the students. Lecture implies an all knowing authoritative relationship. I do not have that style. I think it helps me to get to know and understand their abilities and how I can guide and help them succeed. Along the way I make notes about them in the hope of aiding the journey.

To Simara: I recognize that my taking over the course midstream was disruptive to you. In my short time with you and the rest of the class I took the time to observe a few things about each of you. I am writing this to you to report those observations and offer some unsolicited advice. I detect that you are unsure about many things both in this class and around you in life. That observation may be an incorrect one as I have only known you for a short time. And yet you were not afraid to admit it as you said, “I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing.” That admission is a bold thought and shows an intelligence beyond your years. The important thing is that you asked for help. You may not understand how well that ability will serve you through life but it is a very useful ability to ask for help. Not everyone can do that. Often they are worried about looking stupid and unknowledgeable.

The whole idea of this class is to gain some practical hands on experience, so at the end of our time together I wrote to everyone to tell them what I thought of the class as a whole and to thank them for the smooth transition. They gave me the impression that the previous instructor did not like to answer questions. That simple fact would explain why they were so tentative about asking for information about the project they were working on. And for the project they were working on, they had incomplete information.

This experience was not unlike several business experiences in which I was tossed into a project that was going awry with the wish of, see if you can fix it. Sometimes that means starting over midstream rapidly and using as much of the existing disaster as possible. Sometimes it means finding a new piece of paper and resharpening the pencil. I failed one young man, Sam, who raced ahead not knowing he had incomplete information.

Not only do men not like questions but they do not like asking questions. Women on the other hand ask lots of questions. Follow up questions, many follow up questions help to define the edges of the path to be taken. The path becomes clearer as the follow ups serve to sweep the leaves off the pavement.

Debbie does this to me. My usual response is, “Hmmmm…” while I am stalling for time to answer whatever she asked. Sometimes our banter wanders off into the weeds while I am thinking about what I am thinking about. (It is another comment of hers, “you are always thinking about what you are thinking about.”) She is right. I am not a spontaneous answer-er. I have several stall techniques.

She asks hard questions sometimes, often actually. Her questions are often feeling questions. The answers to which are very often hard to put into words. I will see her today. I look forward to our long conversations about life. She helps me to see how bright and cheery the world is even though Cheryl is not in it. For that I will be forever grateful.

Carpe Diem.