Caregiver Mental Health

January 6th and End of Life

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Yesterday I put away the few Christmas decorations that I had spotted around. The very last thing was the door decoration that I had carried over to Cheryl at the Harbor. Later I realized I was a day early. Cheryl always did that on January 6th or the weekend afterward. I left a little carved camel and a note “Off to find the star…” in the place where I had set up a small creche that had been my mother’s.

I went out to retrieve the snail mail to today and noticed my note to mostly myself but able to be viewed by my neighbors. In the mail was an envelope from my sister that contained the signature page of her advance directive document should someone need to speak up for her at the end of her life. She has saddled that task on her lifelong friend Phyllis. I am her first alternate.

I visited Cheryl earlier today. She was sleeping very soundly so after sitting with her for a bit and sending her picture to her brothers and sisters, I kissed her good-bye. She did not stir so I left to find lunch at home.

Off to find the star… is a metaphor to me for life and where Cheryl and I are. I am very glad that she is well cared for at all hours of the day and night. Once in awhile I have this overwhelming sadness and grief that sneaks up on me at odd times. This morning it was during the simple activity of making the bed. It is funny how certain chores are taken over by various participants in a loving marriage. Cheryl always did this until a few years ago. Even a few weeks ago as I was making the bed I might be talking to her and encouraging her to select a certain shirt or “why don’t you wear your red jeans today?” Even though I was doing the bed, we would banter back and forth.

I miss that. The star dims with time.

My granddaughter is participating in a dance competition today. Soon my daughter will pick me up to go with her to watch the competition. Cheryl is safe and calm and perhaps asleep. I am off to find the star by myself.

Carpe Diem.

Gamache (Louise Penny) and Croissants

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“Grief is love with no place to go.” says Armand to a young killer. Amazon Videos has made shows out of several of the stories written by some of my favorite authors.

Watching one of these videos the other night while waiting for my croissants to fluff up for the oven, this quote jumped out at me.

I think I am feeling that these days. Baking can be therapeutic. It is a hobby I have perused for many years. When My sister came to visit a couple weeks ago I made her pot roast one evening. It was great and I used the leftover mashed potatoes in a recipe I have for potato bread. That turned out great. Something I have not tried to do but I now have the time for is croissants and other pastry.

Yesterday I made some croissants. (Why is there two sses in croissant?) Here is a image of my first effort. I took them to Cheryl this morning but she was sleeping.

I also need more practice with the croissants. The other half of the croissant dough is resting in the freezer waiting for me to become inspired to try it again. I think maybe a hotter oven and proof the yeast a bit when I start the dough. The recipe I was following used wet (cake) yeast which I do not have. Perhaps further experimentation with technique. These two out of ten turned out okay – not bad for a first effort.

Holy cow they are rich. There is a whole pound of butter in this recipe.

Carpe Diem.

A New Attitude

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My brother-in-law’s wife recently had some surgery to her neck and over the past couple weeks we have exchanged text messages and visits. I ask how he is doing and how my sister-in-law is doing. Often I send him my latest picture of Cheryl at Bridgeway Pointe. Yesterday we had the following exchange.

  • Thanks for sharing. Tari still has lots of pain !!! I am tired and frustrated !!! How are You ?? — 2:36 PM
  • Not tired and frustrated. With little to do for Cheryl, I think lonely and broken hearted. Is Tari home or in rehab? How did that turn out? — 3 pm
  • Rehab did not go well. Tari is home now. Waiting to see about Home Health Care. — 4:29 pm
  • In home physical therapy sessions? — 4:30 pm
  • I guess. Not sure. –4:31 pm

I wrote lonely and brokenhearted to him. It was the first time I admitted that to anyone.

I get up in the morning and realize again that I have no particular schedule. Nothing that I have or want to accomplish this day. Three weeks ago my day was centered around Cheryl. I made very few specific plans for me that did not include her somehow. I focused on getting her going, up and out, onward and into the sunshine. In the Autumn months when it is still warm, just four weeks ago, I conjured little trips to the places where we used to walk. I did carryout from a little chicken place nearby sometimes and we had a picnic. Her in her rollie chair and me waving the bugs away. In September I had my picnic supplies in the trunk of the car so that we could do that spontaneously (Carpe Diem). My main goal for each day was simply to get her out into the sunshine somewhere.

A new attitude is my goal today and the rest of my days. I need to be less broken hearted. Lonesomeness I think I can deal with. That feeling will come and go. Cheryl is safe and well cared for at Bridgeway Pointe.

Carpe Diem. Cheryl is safe and well cared for at Bridgeway Pointe. (Repeat)

(Repeat)