delusion

Hoping against Hope

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For many weeks about eight or so Cheryl has been aware of where she is at night. It all vanished tonight and I drove her around the reset block back to our condo and home.

A dark starless nightmare as I prayed the trip would take her mind home.

I found an old movie called “Nebraska” and we had been watching it for 30-40 minutes. Cheryl seemed to be following the story line. I believed that she was anyway. After forty minutes or so after taking her bedtime pills she announced that she wanted to go home. I clarified like always do with response- we are home. We went to church, then to a restaurant and came home to here where we live. To which she responded that she wanted to go to her “other” home. Her imposter syndrome had reared its ugly head.

I wonder what triggers this delusion. The movie dealt with early dementia issues in the main character’s father who read the clearinghouse sweepstakes mailer and believed that he had won a million dollars. He wanted to travel to Lincoln Nebraska to get his winnings. His son humors him rather than fighting his father’s delusional behavior and make a road trip to Lincoln. Things happen along the way as the story unfolds.

We have watched other movies and Cheryl merely announces that she is tired and wants to go to bed. Tonight she wanted to go home to bed. Tomorrow she will have no memory of this episode. I will not mention it. If she does we will talk about it. She will not mention it though. If she does it will be the first time.

Carpe Diem

Waiting

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It seems to me that I spend a lot of time waiting for the next thing. I started this about a week ago. I did not know where to go after the first line. But late last night after I finally convinced Cheryl to lay down I realized that sometimes I am waiting for life to smooth out for a bit.

Care partners often do not realize how important it is to have relief.

I wait to find out if Cheryl is going to organize her office.

I wait to find out about if we are home or if we need to fix that by driving home.

I wait to find out if getting to bed is next or if this is a late night.

Things are more mysterious at night and I am tired and on guard against argumentative discussion.

Last night we drove around to get home again. Because I was bored I picked a different circuit. That was a mistake on my part. I realized my error after I turned and she said, “This is not the way.” Oopsy. Now she is concentrating on landmarks which caused me to start a running commentary about streets and where were. Luckily she came with me and said we have to turn left at the light.

One more street and we were looking at home.

Carpe waiting Diem.

From Luke